Why Men Love Bitches (20 page)

If you ask any parrot trainer how to train a parrot, he or she will tell you to raise the perch to about shoulder level. The trainer will tell you not to raise the bird up higher than you, because the bird will think he is better than you. No matter how much the bird loves you, if you put your finger up over your head to touch him, he’ll be more inclined to bite you. This dynamic with birds is where the term
cocky
originated.

If, on the other hand, you put the bird on the ground, the bird feels vulnerable. Trainers suggest doing this to keep the bird “in check.” If you put your finger out, instead of biting you, he’ll crawl up on your finger and want to get on your arm. When your man behaves as though he is more worthy than you, re-create the balance and equality in the relationship by gently taking the “little birdie” and putting him on the ground.

For example, Rhonda was being taken for granted by her boyfriend. He asked her to “come over” late one night. She indicated she didn’t have a car because it was in the shop. He was seven minutes away with a car that was running fine, parked right there in his driveway. He asked, “So, Rhonda, when will your car be ready?” After realizing that she had no wheels, he dropped the subject of getting together.

In this example, Rhonda was “dissed” by a guy who wanted her to keep him warm at night but wouldn’t drive seven minutes to pick her up. Typically, she would have nagged, but she didn’t this time. The next time he called, Rhonda spoke to him very casually as though he were an acquaintance. A friend. A pal. A
muchacho
. She said, “Hey, great to hear from you. Can you call me back in a few? I am on the other line.” He called back and she was in the shower. Then he called a third time. They chatted a bit casually. For the first time in their relationship, her disposition changed from
intense
to
indifferent
. After a short while, her call waiting beeped through and she politely ended the conversation. “Talk to you soon. Bye, sweetie.” Almost immediately, the guy started to become much more attentive.

Let’s hit the “pause” button. Rewind…now, let’s review play-by-play. Notice how simple it was for Rhonda to get him to realize he needs to give more.

1. He wasn’t nice.
   
2. He
   knows
   he wasn’t nice.
   
3. He expected her to nag.
   
4. She didn’t nag.
   
5. He was unsure.
   
6. She was relaxed and self-assured.
   
7. She gave no explanation and no attitude.
   
8. He said to himself, “Uh oh. I better get busy.”
   

When there is a problem, men love to “fix” it. By nagging, you make it seem as though the problem lies with you. A perfect example is Diana, who started nagging her husband to fix a latch in the laundry room. After the third time she asked, he became so irritated that no force on earth could get him to fix that latch.

One evening some friends came over. While her husband was within earshot, Diana asked her friend’s husband to fix the latch in the laundry room, in that sweet “damsel in distress” tone of voice that men eat up. Then she started looking for a screwdriver. Before she could even turn around, her husband ran up the stairs like Speedy Gonzales and fixed the latch in two minutes flat.

Men despise it when other men fix things for them. It’s a territorial thing-like some other man is treading on his turf. When you’ve asked him to do something a few times and he doesn’t do it, say, “Honey, it’s okay. I don’t need you to do it anymore. Ed, our next-door neighbor, said he’d come over and do it.” If you don’t have a neighbor, tell him his best friend will come do it. This is how you will get whatever it is you want done, right then and there.

My friend Lucy noticed that when she asked her husband for help in various ways, he was less attentive. For example, she often asked him to help bring in the groceries when she came back from the market. He was always in the middle of something, so he said, “Give me a minute.” A minute later she said, “The food is going to spoil.” And she kept repeating herself. “The food is going to go bad. If you’re going to do it, please do it now.” Every time she went to the market, it became a power struggle.

Then she stopped asking for his help and she noticed a change. When she brought in the groceries and he asked if she wanted a hand she said, “No thanks, sweetie. I’ve got it.” Suddenly, he was out there insisting on bringing in the groceries.

Then there’s my friend Rayanna, who found herself repeatedly nagging her husband to take their child to school. He always made excuses to avoid doing the driving. But instead of nagging him, Rayanna found a single dad down the street to carpool with. When her husband got wind of the fact that a neighbor was doing the driving, suddenly Papa Bear put a chauffeur hat on.

Remember, men need a little coaxing. They aren’t the most talented when it comes to running a household. Before he was Papa Bear, he lived the life of the untamed bear, living in his bachelor’s habitat (with furniture). Think back to your first walk-through. The sheets didn’t match and the pillows didn’t have cases on them. His lamp consisted of a velour hand-me-down shade on a contemporary silver stand with air fresheners stuck to each side. It was so ugly that even the Salvation Army truck kept driving when you put it on the edge of the driveway.

So the day the “live-in bear” sets the living standard is the day your living standard plummets. Stake your claim, but do it without nagging him. There’s a better way.

When you use guilt or nagging to motivate him, he feels bad. If you stroke his ego, however, he feels good. He needs to be praised. When he goes out to straighten the mailbox and he comes back inside, say, “Thank you so much, sweetie!” Praise him the whole way. Then he’ll say, “Why don’t I fix that latch in the laundry room?”

Barbara told a funny story of how she engaged her husband in helping out one lazy Sunday afternoon. She sneaked down into the garage when her husband wasn’t looking and figured out which circuit breaker turned off the lights to the part of the house he was in. Then she flipped it off and tiptoed back into the house and pretended as though she had no idea what happened. “Honey? I’m scared! What happened to the power?” He’d never think she had the brains to turn off a circuit breaker. Now she gave him a jolt with a jumper cable that got him right up off the couch. Big Papa to the rescue! Then he helped out because he felt needed—as the “man of the house.”

He found a flashlight and went downstairs to the circuit-breaker box. He assigned her the very complicated duty of holding the flashlight for him. “Hold it steady.” When he flipped the circuit breaker back on, she appeared proud and impressed. “Wow! I can’t believe it. How did you do that?” Then she called his mom. “Mom, he is so smart…”

When you make him feel like the man? The stud-muffin? The legend? You can ask him to do anything and he’ll jump to do it. He won’t do it because you nagged him, he’ll do it because he
wants
to. And he’ll now feel good about it.

As John Churton Collins said, “Never claim as a right what you can ask as a favor.” Nagging makes it a right; asking for a favor makes it a positive experience. He’ll come running to help if he’s going to be praised. Just as a woman wants to be perceived as a “dream girl” to a man, a man wants to be perceived as a “hero” in his woman’s eyes.

Pop psychologists would suggest that you shouldn’t withhold how you feel. They tell you to “express yourself.” Begin every sentence with “I feel…” Ask for feedback. Then sit in a circle, hold hands, and pass around the Kleenex. Promise never to do it again and live happily ever after. Then pay the therapist $175. It’s a wonderful theoretical ideal. It feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about “expressing those feelings.” And I’m sure on rare occasions it even works (because after spending $20,000 total on a therapist, you can’t bear to think that it hasn’t). But don’t kid yourself. No man changes because of couples therapy. Men think of therapy as a form of blackmail—coercion with a ransom. The only reason they straighten up is to keep from going broke. Half a session will usually do the trick. “Okay. I’m all better. Can we stop the clock now?”

Expressing yourself when he takes you for granted doesn’t work. You have to show him with actions. Expressing your feelings constantly is like pleading. It comes across as needy rather than dignified. But backing away when he crosses the line?
Plenty dignified.

When he is intrigued because the cards aren’t out on the table, he is forced to see you differently. It isn’t the love he had for his mother. Or his sister. Or his grandma. Now you have his attention because he is no longer in the “safety zone” that enables him to have his cake and eat it, too.

This isn’t being mean. Men are turned on by it. Think about the average run-of-the-mill male fantasy he had growing up: It’s always a woman who has power over him. There’s the teacher he had in the eighth grade, the nurse at the doctor’s office, the babysitter who gave him a few extra cookies, the policewoman with the handcuffs. All of these women, in their own feminine ways, have power over him and leave him at a disadvantage and
he likes it
.