Why Men Love Bitches (17 page)

He dials her number and the machine picks up.
Beep!
Then comes the breathy voice, which sounds as if she’s half asleep. “Hello there. You’ve reached Susan’s answering service. I am out and about and just a little bit busy at the moment doing, well, [giggle] … If you would be sooooooo kind to leave a message after the tone, I will try my very best to get back to you as sooooooon as I am available. Although I just got in from Portugal, I haven’t quite unpacked yet. But if I have a free moment, I’ll call you. Wait for the beep …
ciao
… ta, ta … kisses … have a spiritual day … and bless you for calling me.”
Beep!
All she needs is a 900 number and a pimp, and girlfriend is in business.

As men often say, “Men like a woman who is natural.” This has nothing to do with makeup or dyed hair. Natural does not mean he wants a vegetarian who drinks wheat-grass juice or a woman who wears organic lip-gloss. Natural implies that the minute something is excessive it becomes a turn-off, because it looks as if a woman is
trying too hard to get the attention
. Whenever a woman is trying too hard, she is jumping through hoops.

Let’s look at how one relationship unfolded when the woman was willing to jump through hoops. It’s a classic scenario. Sarah bought an airplane ticket to go see Mickey, a man she’d met only once before when he had been in town for a holiday weekend. They’d kept in touch for a month via e-mail and over the phone. Convinced he was “the one,” Sarah decided she’d like to see Mickey again.

The ticket cost $400. Mickey agreed to pay for the accommodations, which ended up being $40 for a motel. After Sarah arrived, they had sex in the motel. Then he took her to a coffee shop with coupons that were complimentary with the room. Afterward they had sex again—
while
he watched the World Series.

A Kodak moment, isn’t it? No foreplay. No candle. No soft music. No showering together. Instead, one eye is on the game, and he’s listening for the score. “The count is three to two … and the bases are loaded.
Steeeeerike!"
Any man—even one who was raised in a jail—has sense enough to know that watching a game while having sex is rude. Hardly a "romantic getaway” for two. After two days of being romantic, they couldn’t wait to “getaway” from each other.

Now let’s do a financial comparison. He got plenty of food, plenty of sex, and he got to watch the game (not bad for $40). Her bill exceeded $400. She did, however, get two extra packets of peanuts on the airplane, each containing 2.5 peanuts, for a total of five peanuts. Even if she divided them up into peanut halves, she still wouldn’t come out ahead.

A bitch would never have put herself in this position. She would have required that he come to see her,
and
she would have suggested a hotel that is conveniently located.

When the nice girl jumps through hoops or bends over backward and overcompensates, she does so because she has a fantasy that he will “complete her.” To keep the spark from fizzling, it’s sometimes best to stay ever-so-slightly just outside a man’s reach, because it charges up his batteries.

The nice girl fails to take a “breather” because of her fantasy that he is “the one” or her “soul mate.” But this fantasy is a liability because it feeds a myopic view that he is the center of her life.

Another reason women rush into a relationship is
fear.
A woman named Mary said, “I can’t say ‘no’ to my boyfriend. For example, I drive to his place and I wait outside in my car until he comes home from work. Then I eat dinner later and I stay up late even though I have to be up early. I feel totally depleted the next day.”

I asked Mary why she doesn’t just say, “Not tonight, honey. I really need some down time.” She answered, “Because then he pouts. I guess deep down I’m afraid he’ll get another girlfriend.”

The bitch is not governed by fear of losing a man, because she knows the real price to pay is when she loses
herself.
Almost immediately, women give themselves up
in small ways.
The cumulative effect of these subtle concessions, however, is what amounts to feeling depleted.

Here’s the cycle:

• She develops a myopic view that what he gives is absolutely vital.
  
• Because of this fantasy, she gives up everyday needs.
  
• She feels more and more drained but continues to try harder, believing that he’ll be the one to make her feel fulfilled again.
  
• He senses her willingness to exert herself, and
  relaxes
  what he gives even more.
  
• She senses this and works even harder to jump through hoops.
  
• The cycle gets worse, as she becomes more and more depleted.
  

The solution? Lose the fantasy. And if you feel you are going to resent something after you give it, don’t give it. Give only what feels comfortable to give. This will enable you to stay firmly planted with both feet on the ground.

Remember when you learned the golden rule in kindergarten? This was a nice theory, but in the real world we’ll need to modify it just a bit.

Many times, when you are going through your daily life, Attraction Principle #50 will be very subtle. For example, a woman may have spread herself very thin between her career and her time to herself, and she’s exhausted. He asks her out:"How about Wednesday?" She tells him Wednesday isn’t good because of work demands on Thursday morning. So he asks, “How about Tuesday or Thursday?” Then she accepts. Her needs are swept under the rug, and worse yet,
she
is doing the sweeping. Then she goes out and she is cranky and irritated because she is overworked and hasn’t rested.

The bitch doesn’t take the more difficult course; she takes the easier course. How hard is it to suggest, “The weekend would really be better.” It’s better for
everyone
involved. The bitch is her own guide.

Cathy was on a first date when she found that the guy wouldn’t let her order what she wanted off the menu. He kept saying, “You
have
to try this …” She was firm but polite, and finally, he ordered what she wanted. Then he ordered a bottle of wine after she had said she didn’t want to “drink and drive,” particularly because it was a weeknight. He poured her a glass and they made a toast, so she didn’t argue. They clinked glasses and she took one sip to be gracious, but not another sip thereafter. Her glass of wine didn’t move.

What is important in this example is that she didn’t explain herself. She just did what she wanted to do. She didn’t need to ask his permission to honor her own wishes, she just honored them.

Another woman I know shared a story about a man she dated. After two dates, the man asked her to take him to the airport at 4
A
.
M
. (yes, in the morning).

On their second date, he was coordinating while she listened. “You could get up at 4
A
.
M
., pick me up at 5
A
.
M
., get to the airport at 6
A
.
M
., go home by 7
A
.
M
., shower, and get to work by 8
A
.
M
.” (The ringmaster had the poodle hoop-circuit all planned out.) Here’s a novel idea that never crossed his mind: He could pay seven bucks for a shuttle, rather than yank her out of bed at such a ridiculous hour. She politely said, “I’m sorry. I’m going to be busy.” And he said, “What do you mean busy? Busy what? Sleeping?” She smiled and politely said, “Yes.”

If he acts as though it’s perfectly normal for you to jump through hoops, don’t let that be your guide. Ignore what he says. When he says, “I’m spiritual,” don’t listen. Just look at how he acts. If he said he was spiritual, but he expects a lot of “unholy compromising,” let your observations be your guide.

Another way a woman may jump through hoops is to “tell time” by when a man calls. How many times have you called a girlfriend to say let’s “hook up” and she has to wait for a call from a guy she’s dating to give you an answer? These are always the women who get treated poorly. She becomes depleted because she is willing to wait “at bay,” never making plans until she rules out the possibility “beyond a reasonable doubt” that she is seeing a man. Then you get a call back, “Okay let’s get together,” but now it’s 10
P
.
M
.

If you don’t hear from him in enough time to suggest he respects your time, there is a simple solution: Don’t give him any.

Here’s an example of a woman who jumps through hoops—and at the same time, it defies the stereotype that beauty and youth are what are most attractive to a man. Karla was nineteen and so pretty you could have placed her on the cover of any men’s magazine without airbrushing. She was the one who cried on my shoulder about the fact that her boyfriend, Bart, told her that when he goes out with his friends he looks at the sixteen-year-olds.