Why Men Love Bitches (7 page)

For example, you are on a first date. He gets drunk and behaves badly. For starters, never get into a car with someone who is drinking. Always keep a credit card in your back pocket or a $20 bill in your bra. Tell him you are going home early. Excuse yourself, go to the little girl’s room, and call a cab.

Another friend named Kelly snagged a guy whom a lot of women wanted by setting the tone from the very beginning. She did so simply by being reticent. The man was extremely successful, very attractive, and charismatic. He first saw Kelly when he was eating his lunch at a cafeteria where she often eats. He had that confident vibe and was used to women hitting on him.

Kelly was the exception to the rule. He was trying to get her attention while she remained absolutely riveted by her BLT sandwich. She knew that he was watching her, but she pretended not to notice. He came back Tuesday. And Wednesday. And Thursday. When he finally asked her out, she paused before she answered, “I don’t know you, so I can’t look at you in a romantic way. We could start as friends and see where it leads.”

Here’s a guy who was used to women clamoring to be with him, but with Kelly, he was presented with a challenge to pursue a woman who let him know she won’t be so easily won over. In this way, she
held her own
.

“Terms and conditions” are a novel idea for the woman who is too nice. (And you shouldn’t leave home without them.) Don’t get me wrong: Unconditional love is a beautiful thing. Just be sure to give it
after
your conditions have been met.

The Mama/Ho theory holds that a man will either see you as his “mama” or his “ho.” The word
ho
is a derivative of the word
whore.
It is not a garden tool. A ho is any woman he is having sex with, any woman he wants to have sex with, or any woman he has had sex with.

The antonym for ho is mama. A man will feel affectionate toward a woman who is really sweet and nice, much like the affection he has for his mother. Because she doesn’t present a challenge and she’s always there, he begins to take her for granted. This is when you hear men say, “She’s really nice, but there just wasn’t any chemistry.” Therefore:

Even though a man is turned on by the independent woman he can’t have, he’ll still try to get you to be like his mama. He’ll want you to cook, clean, and do his laundry.

One woman I know nipped the issue of laundry in the very beginning. Early in her marriage, she threw a red sweatshirt in with all of her husband’s white cotton underwear. Then she turned the water on hot to seal the deal. The only underwear he had left was the pair he was wearing. No self-respecting, heterosexual male would ever be caught dead wearing
pink
underwear. On seeing the ruined garments, her husband threatened her with the very words she wanted to hear, “You will never, ever, ever do my laundry again!”

What a nice girl should know is that even if you make every effort to be an exemplary housekeeper, he’ll still want a ho behind closed doors. The two are related. Why? Constant mothering will eventually turn a man off. Yes, they say that every man is looking for his mother. This is a nice theory, but it doesn’t mean you should run out and do his laundry or treat him as though you are his keeper. There are four things that make a man feel suffocated or mothered, that often turn him off, and that make him distance himself from you like a rebellious teenager. These are the major Mommy no-no’s:

Never give the appearance that you are closing in on him. For example, suppose he gets off the phone with his long-lost Auntie Mae. If you immediately start questioning him or you jump down his throat and demand to know who was on the phone, it has the same effect as throwing on an apron and assuming the role of mama. Like a teenager, he’ll rebel.

There are many things women inadvertently say that sound very motherly: “Get some rest,” “Don’t stay out late,” “Call me when you get in,” or “Eat something before you go out.” You will make him feel
emasculated
. It’s no different than telling a two-year-old, “After naptime we’ll have a little cookie.”

Asking a man to explain himself or check in with you is mothering. Maybe he ran a half-hour late coming home. Perhaps he was having a friend help him fix his lawnmower, or maybe he was having a beer under the hood of his friend’s car. The very second he thinks he has to explain himself to you, he’ll feel as though he is losing his freedom. Then he’ll make up a story to conceal something that didn’t need to be concealed, just to protect his “territory” or his “turf.” And he’ll feel cornered.

Don’t make him feel as though he has to ask permission for the day-to-day things he wants to do. It’s smothering to him when you watch him too closely. Don’t give him the feeling he’s
under a microscope
. He’ll feel controlled and will instantly want to get away.

When he’s shaving and he’s late for work, don’t push your way into the bathroom to watch him. Don’t look in his car’s glove compartment as though there’s something suspicious in there. Don’t appear to eavesdrop on his phone conversations. Don’t try to take over his kitchen or leave girlie things in his bathroom as though you’re marking your turf. Don’t ask him to spend all his time with you, and don’t say, “I miss you” when he hasn’t seen you in two hours. If you do these things,
you are subtly doing the chasing
.

Don’t say things like, “Tuck in your shirt,” “Go wash your hands,” or “Go brush your hair.” Don’t ask him if he’s hungry three times in a row, and don’t wait on him hand and foot—unless he has a cold. (One little sniffle and you can treat it like a terminal illness.)

Don’t plan all of your weekends together so he has to ask permission to go fishing. Let him catch a couple of fish. Otherwise, he’ll start to break dates. Why? Because he’s acting like a rebellious teenager who’s been given a curfew by mama. He’ll do it deliberately so you don’t get used to
dictating
how his time is spent.

When you treat your time together as something he
has
to do, you’ve taken something that was a pleasure and made it a chore. If you are nice, but you give of yourself with strings attached, the demand for reciprocity will send him several steps backward. Whenever you make him feel as though he
has to
see you, it will feel like work. When it’s
not
an obligation to see you, the very same thing will feel like pleasure.

Men like things that are difficult. They like to drive stick-shift automobiles. They like to jump out of airplanes, and they like to climb mountains. They like to do the impossible. Therefore, when he has to go out of his way to see you, he is actually happier. It will not feel like work to him.

This theory applies to anything—a phone call, time together, sex, or whether he checks in at the end of the day. If you always make him feel he has plenty of space to do his own thing, he’ll always feel that lust. You’ll be like a lover not like his mother. He’ll perceive you as a privilege rather than an obligation, and he’ll come your way.

Sometimes you hear men say, “I want to leave my options open” or “I don’t want to get tied down.” Or they use catch phrases like
ball and chain
or
henpecked.
My favorite is a hyphenated term that begins with a female body part and is followed by the word
whipped.

Clearly, men are scared to death of losing control of their freedom. The thought of being stuck with one woman frightens them. If a woman immediately acts as if she
expects
a man to behave like a serious boyfriend without much effort on his part, he’ll get scared and run off. With the nice girl, it only takes a few dates for him to feel trapped. And then “lockdown mode” begins.