Why Men Love Bitches (19 page)

Women often reassure, or try to convince, a man to win him over. But the bitch wins him over by acting as though she could take him or leave him. Therefore, backing off in a subtle way will give your man renewed “pep” in his step. You can also apply the advice in this chapter:

• When he seems complacent
  
• When he waffles about whether to be in the relationship
  
• When he isn’t respectful
  
• When he repeatedly ignores what you need
  

Let’s get started. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200—because sister, there will be plenty of time for that later.

When you started nagging, your behavior began to tell a different story. “I’m affected by every move you make.” For this reason and this reason alone, nagging rewards him. Not because he enjoys it, but because it reassures him you care.

It doesn’t matter if you’re a high-powered litigation attorney and can give a closing argument that makes his head spin. Nagging still reassures him of where he stands and where you stand. It doesn’t give him anything to worry about, think about, or mull over. It doesn’t intrigue him or pull him in. Instead, he tunes you out.

Now you want to “talk” and he wants to do anything
except
talk. And if you press the issue, he’ll shift the blame.

The other thing he’ll do is tune you out completely. He can see lips moving, but he cannot hear what you are saying. Like a remote control in his head, you’ve been “muted.” Ideally, his hope is that you’ll “nag yourself silly” to the point of exhaustion. He figures if he bides his time, eventually you’ll wear yourself out and go away.

Women differ in terms of how long it takes them to run out of steam. Evidently, according to the men I interviewed, each woman-as with clothing, perfume, and lovemaking-has her own “personalized style” of nagging. Here are some just to name a few:

• The Marathon Nagger:
  This woman will nag for a longer time so she paces herself, for two to three hours.
  
• The Sprint Nagger:
  This woman will nag for a shorter period of time. It’s a more intense burst, so she’ll get tired much more quickly.
  
• The Momentum Whiner:
  This woman will start out with a whine and then will slowly pick up momentum, building up to a nag. Then she’ll cry. The longer she goes, the more momentum she builds and the less likely she is to stop.
  
• The Sunrise Whiner:
  It starts as the sun comes up over the horizon. His eyes begin to open and he hears his first morning whine. Or he’s still asleep, and it wakes him like a rooster.
  
• The Nightcap Nagger:
  Just as he is falling into a deep REM sleep, she nudges him and reminds him of something he has to do the following day.
  
• The Bushwhacker:
  This nagger employs the element of surprise. She catches him off-guard at any moment in the day. One minute everything is going along fine and then, without any warning, she jumps out of the bushes and whacks him.
  
• The Sniper:
  This is the premeditated nagger who will make one cutting remark. It’s usually a well-placed shot that delivers a devastating blow.
  

Many times, when a man steps on a woman’s toes, he doesn’t have a clue. She has to remember that if something happens that she doesn’t like, he may not know any better.

Therefore, if she wants to tell him something he did that put her off, she should stay calm. Then she should say, “Could I explain something to you?” She needs to approach it as though he did not intend to hurt her because more often than not he
doesn’t have an inkling.

Shaquille O’Neal said, “This is a tough game. There are times when you’ve got to play hurt, when you’ve got to block out the pain.” The reason that you block out the pain is that it impairs your decision-making. Long term, how you communicate will affect his desire for you.

If a woman is losing a man’s attention, it’s because the woman is following a
predictable
routine and she’s becoming an opponent rather than a partner. Therefore:

Envisioning him as just a friend enables you to relate to him without the heaviness or the intensity of the nagging. Don’t say, “Hey, buddy. Hey pal,” and throw down a cold beer in front of him with a fake, peppermint-refreshing smile. Don’t offer to girl-watch with him or chew tobacco. Don’t overdo it.

Again, treat him as you would a friend, which means exude a demeanor that seems
unlikely given the circumstances.
If you’ve been uptight, needy, or clingy, appearing casual, relaxed, and
un
concerned is the unlikely response that he would expect.

For example, if he has excuses for why he isn’t spending time with you, you need to make excuses for why you can’t spend time with
him
. Is it a game? No. If he’s too busy and you’ve already tried telling him how you feel, it’s time to show him with your actions that he will no longer be dictating the terms. Because his terms will most likely continue to drive a wedge between you-and that’s not the outcome you want.

Here is a classic case in point. You want to see more of him and you suggest going away for the weekend together. He says, “No, I can’t because of work.” You’ve typically whined over the issue of him not spending enough time with you. What will throw him and get his attention is if you go left when he thinks you’ll go right.

If you
don’t
cop an attitude or you appear to lose interest in going away, he’ll immediately be concerned. Most men are used to women wanting to be around them all the time. He gets concerned when he’s busy trying to defend something you mysteriously no longer want. If you don’t bring it up and pretend to forget all about it, he second-guesses himself: “
Hmm…
why is this okay with her when I know it’s wrong?” Now his clout or leverage with you will be called into question, and he no longer knows if he has a 100 percent hold on you. When he
doesn’t
get the nagging but he
knows
he deserves it, he begins to wonder what’s going on.

Let’s say he likes seeing you two nights a week, but he likes to do his own thing on the weekends. Some weekends you get together and other weekends he leaves you hanging when he goes out with the boys. The last thing you want to let Yogi Bear think is that you are Boo Boo the fool. “Gee, Yogi what are we going to do next? Okay!”

You need to alter the pattern that has become convenient for him
with no attitude and no warning
. Use the same type of excuses that he wanted you to accept. See him half as much as he wants to see you. “I’d love to see you Thursday, but I can’t. I am really behind in my work. I want to go to the gym after work, and I’m going to be too tired. We’ll get together next week.” In that one gesture, you’ve done something you could have never accomplished with all the whining and nagging in the world. You’ve just rekindled the flame.

The second you take away the security of a predictable routine, his orientation changes. Instead of worrying about buying time or making excuses about work, he has to think of something fun to do so you’ll want to be with him. When you’re not available,
he’ll go out of his way to make more time for you.