Where Words Fail (13 page)

When we stopped at the edge of the water I slid out of the truck and headed towards the dock and sat on the edge, travel mug in hand. Jameson sat down beside me, took off his shoes and dangled his feet into the water.

“What are you drinking?”

“Moonshine and iced tea.” My fingers traced over the logo that was now too faded to even read. Looking up I held the mug towards him. “Want a drink?”

“Fuck yes...” He sighed and grabbed the mug, our fingers colliding in the process. There was no denying the spark between us was still there, and I hauled my hand back as fast as I could and diverted my eyes towards the dark water.

“Thanks,” he said as he pushed it back towards me. I just nodded. The only noise around us was the rustling of the leaves and the frogs.

Finally breaking the silence I spoke up. ”Alright, can you please elaborate on what you told me earlier?”

“The thing about my dad?” I nodded, my eyes searching the water. His voice sounded pained and forced as he continued. “Before I can tell you what happened I kinda gotta tell you a bit about my family. Ok?” I nodded again, my eyes flicking from the water to him and back. “My dad was an alcoholic, was since right after he met my mom. Hence why both his sons are named after alcohol.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’m Jameson and my brother’s name is Evan... We were both named after his favorite types of whiskey.”

“Ahh.”

“So anyway... He was this raging alcoholic growing up but every time my mom would get the nerve to leave he would beat her until she agreed to stay. It was horrible. Sometime after I hit high school, he started doing drugs too... It totally sucked. Watching your mom be scared to make a wrong move, or say the wrong thing is horrible. I was always worried that he was going to start turning on Evan and me, and he did eventually. If I was in the house when he was coming down and he didn’t have the money to get a fix it was the worst. Ok, so I’m getting to you now, so please don’t stop me...

“When I met you, it was like you were sent straight to save me. It was crazy how I was instantly drawn to you that day. Those guys were assholes by the way. I don’t know if I instantly fell in love with you or not but I can’t remember one second that I didn’t love you fully. Being with you made me whole. Our relationship was everything to me...
You
were everything to me. I didn’t worry about going home anymore or what my dad was going to do to me if I was at home, because I was usually with you.

“The week before I left was when I turned eighteen. I was so fucking excited. I had money saved up. I was going to get my own place so I could be with you whenever I wanted and not have to worry about anybody but you. I was going to ask you to marry me when you got old enough. I was that sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I never, I have never, felt that way about anyone but you, Abby.”
 

I can feel myself starting to tear up so I drink a little more to cover it up. I never knew anything that he told me other than that he loved me. He used to tell me that every chance he got. I wasn’t going to cut him off though, so he kept talking.

“The day I left my dad staggered into my room coming down off something pretty hard. He was panicking, shouting about moving and getting out quick. That I only had an hour. When he noticed that the classified section was laying in front of me with apartments circled, he flipped his shit. I don’t even remember what he said other than that I had to get my shit together fast.

“I fought with him so hard... I didn’t want to leave you, Abby. You’ve got to know that.” He turned to look at me. My eyes were filled with tears that were spilling down my cheeks. He brought his thumb up to my face and wiped them away before cradling my cheek in his palm. “I never wanted to leave you. When I told him I wasn’t going because I was in love with you, he laughed in my face and punched me. Told me I didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. Then he did the one thing he knew would make me walk away from you.” His voice cracked so I grabbed his hand and laced my fingers with his. It took us both by surprise that I did it. I’m not even sure why I did. I felt like he needed it, but I also felt like I needed to be touching him while he told me this part. This is what made him leave me. This was a turning point in my life. He squeezed my hand before he went on.

“He grabbed a knife and held it to my mom’s throat, telling me that if I didn’t go with them that he was going to kill her. I believed him. That’s the
only
reason I left without saying goodbye. By the time I had gotten through fighting with him he gave me twenty minutes to get my shit together. So I grabbed all of the pictures I had of us and some clothes and climbed into the back seat of the car. I’m so sorry, Abby.”

I was full blown bawling now. The tears were running off my face and splattering on my chest, and I was having a hard time breathing through it. If I had just known this. If he had just had some extra time to tell me what was going on, everything, every ounce of heartbreak could have been avoided. I would have known it wasn’t something I did. I would have known that he loved me as much as I loved him. But one question was still sitting heavy on my mind.

“Why didn’t you ever come back, or call?”

“I called a few times a few weeks after, but no one answered and you didn’t have an answering machine. Every chance I got to a payphone and I had some change I tried. And I did come back. He died two years after I left and as soon as I knew my mom was safe I came back, but by the time I did, I was too late.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, when I showed up... You had already moved on. You looked happy with that blonde kid. Since you were happy, I wasn’t going to jeopardize that. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy, so I left again.” He shrugged. He’s talking about Matt... I can’t believe he came back for me and saw me with that asshole. If I looked happy, it was because he hadn’t started beating and raping me yet...

“You should have come to me when you saw me.”

“But you looked happy and-”

“Stop.” I took a few minutes to catch my breath, so I wouldn’t hyperventilate. “I may have looked happy, Jameson... But I haven’t been truly happy since you left. Part of me was happy, yes. The part that was so desperate to fill the void you left when you walked away. But even then, with that guy... I wasn’t really happy. I put on a face and tried to will you out of my heart. The part of me that you held was so big that no one could fill that void. That’s how much I loved you. Everything went downhill again after you left.

“I got in so much trouble. Alex and AJ had to bail me out of jail so many times for stupid shit... I was in there so much I might as well have had a reservation for my own cell and been able to check myself in. I knew all the cops on a first name basis. That’s how I met the kid you must have seen me with. He was the police chief’s son. Somehow he got me to clean up my act. But he still wasn’t you... No one was you.”

“I really am so sorry, Abby.”

“I know. I am too.”

“I never stopped loving you, Abby... Think we can get back to being us sometime in this life?”

“Honestly?” He nodded and squeezed my hand that I still hadn’t pulled away. “I don’t know. But now that I know why you left me I don’t hate you anymore. I think I’d be better with trying to be your friend first. Is that ok with you?” He stood and pulled me up with him. Wrapping his arms around me he pulled me in for a hug. I settled into his chest, the moonshine had made me weak to resist him and I’m surprised I’ve been this strong and haven’t put the moves on him yet.

Abby

It’s been five weeks since Jameson and I talked everything out and he seems to be abiding by my ‘let’s try friends first’ tactic. It’s not that I don’t want to be with him as more than that. Hell, I’d always wanted more when it came to Jameson, but I wasn’t ready to bring my heart back into the equation. If we were friends and he walked away, I don’t think it would be as bad as if I handed him my heart on a fucking platter again. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? It’s going to kill me either way.

He hasn’t tried anything, yet... I can tell he’s trying hard not to though. I’ll catch him almost touching me before he pulls his hand back and curses under his breath. Randomly, his eyes will flash with that all too familiar spark of desire. I’m not going to lie either and say that my thoughts have been all platonic. It’s almost nightly that I have to remind myself that I set the boundaries for a reason. I know that it’s the only thing keeping me from running over to the barn and giving us both what we crave.

Had I forgiven him for leaving? Yeah, for the most part, I had. He did what he had to, to protect his mother. That I actually respected, it was something I would do for Alex or Izzy. What was still killing me was the no goodbye part. Coming from someone who has lost almost every person I cared about, a goodbye is a big deal. No goodbye means no closure.

I still haven’t told him about the baby. I’m afraid to give up that little piece of information. I know that it might make me a bad person, but I’m still kind of mourning that loss and am not ready for him to see that part of me. I think we both feel bad enough about what happened when he left, and I don’t feel like adding to that.

So that leaves us here, sitting on the tailgate of the truck working on a new song for the upcoming album while we wait for Izzy to get off the bus. Things were awkward for a while, but lately we’ve seemed to get into a comfortable groove. For that, I was thankful. One more awkward dinner with only Izzy creating conversation for all of us, was probably going to make me want to run away screaming.

“Why don’t you try changing that last chord to a C. There, that sounds a lot better.” I wrote down the change while Jameson played it. His blonde hair was falling down into his eyes and it was taking everything in me not to reach over and push it out of the way.

“Yeah, it does. Hey, there’s Izzy’s bus.” His head tipped in the direction of the bus, and I slid down off the tailgate to go meet her. Alex hadn’t been feeling good all day so we volunteered to go get her. I loved how excited she gets when she gets off the bus and tells me all about her day. Although it made me sad, thinking I should be doing this with my own child, sharing it with Izzy was pretty amazing.

“Aunnie Abby!” She yelled as she jumped in my arms. Her giggling was infectious as she told me about the girl who was her new best friend. As we got closer to the truck Jameson hopped down and slid his guitar back into its case and put it in the back seat of the truck and climbed up into the passenger seat. “Oh, some guy asked about you at school today.”

Who would be asking my six year old niece about me? Something about that didn’t settle well with me. Making a mental note to go talk to the school about the security of their students, I asked. “What did he ask?”

“He said he knew you, that he was your best friend. He gave me a note to give you.” She dropped her purple backpack to the ground and began searching through it. “I thought AJ and Tuesday were your best friends?”

“They are baby, what did this man look like?”

She scrunched her face up and shrugged her shoulder as she handed me the note. “Um, he had yellow hair like mine and he had tattoos... But not pretty ones like you. They were mean and yucky looking. Like monsters. He kinda scared me. Hey, can I get a tattoo like you?” Her question threw me for a loop before the statement registered in my mind.

“Wait, if he scared you why did you talk to him?”

“Talk to who?” Jameson came up beside me and caused me to jump. “Whoa, easy it’s just me, babe.”

I couldn’t focus on the fact that he just called me babe because Izzy started talking again. “He said he was your friend. I didn’t want you to be mad at me because I was mean to your friend.” She hung her head and looked at her feet, her sniffling told me she was trying hard not to cry.

I picked her up and sat her on the tailgate where Jameson and I had just been. “Izzy look at me.” I lifted her head with my fingers. “I’d never be mad at you for not talking to anyone who made you uncomfortable. What did daddy and I tell you about strangers?”

“To not talk to them...” She wiped away a tear that had escaped as I pushed her hair out of her face and kissed her forehead.

“That’s right. That means even if they say they are friends, sometimes they aren’t. Next time you feel like this, go tell a teacher. Ok?” She nodded. “Good, now go get in the truck so we can get supper ready.”