The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (15 page)

I have been in the cottage for four days straight…A coffee break might not hurt.

“C’mon…I can tell you want to.”

“Okay, but just ONE cup.”

Three cups later, Kurt was up to speed on what I
think
happened to Taddeo in New York and what
really
happened between Leo and Taddeo at my birthday party in August, and I was up to speed on his surprising break up with Kayla.  Apparently, not long after her parents came back, she was expecting an engagement ring and a house like the one Kurt and I used to own in Danville.  When he tried to gently set her straight, she freaked out and broke up with him. 

“She wanted what you and I had, but I told her I already had it once and blew it.  Why would I go down that road again?”

“
Are you crazy?
  You go down that road to find what was missing between the two of us. Maybe you didn’t find it with Kayla, but you will with someone else.  I guess the good news is, until you find her, you still have the Porsche, right?”

I’m trying to lighten up the conversation, but he’s not having it, and what he says in response shocks me.

“Nothing was missing between the two of us.  I just blew it.”

Okay, now I’m really freaking out.  This is not the guy I knew in high school and certainly not the guy I married.  It would be a massive understatement to say something’s different about him.

“Kurt, I’m just so confused.  When we split up, it really seemed like you were falling for her.  And then, at your “house” in Orinda you talked about her being some kind of convenient distraction.  What’s going on with you?”

Abruptly placing his coffee cup down on the table, “
What was I supposed to say, Chrissy?
  I already told you a million times before the divorce was final that I thought you were making a terrible mistake.  I already asked you for another chance…told you I can give you everything that guy can and more.  Once the divorce was final, it felt better to just tell you I had moved on.”

Following suit with my coffee cup, I bark back, “Again…I’m confused!  Why would you have even wanted another chance?  Look what I did to you!”

Staring intently at me, he says the unexpected.  “Chrissy, look what I did to
you
.”

Shaking my head in shame, I mutter, “Believe me, it didn’t warrant my behavior.”

“It must’ve or you never would’ve done it.”

In an attempt to set him straight, I unload things that I thought for sure I’d keep a secret my entire life.

“Kurt, I snuck out of our house to meet with Leo in the middle of the night.”

“I know.”

“I left that surprise party you threw for me to go and find him.”

“I know.”

“Dammit!  I fell in love with him!”

“And at one time you fell in love with me, and that just doesn’t go away.”

“You know what?  Maybe you’re right.  Maybe I’ll always love you, Kurt. Maybe I’ll always be concerned for your happiness.  Maybe I’ll always be disgusted with myself for all of the lies and betrayal.  Is that what you wanna hear? Will that make you happy?”

“Actually…it-”

“Well don’t let it.  Because just because I love you, it doesn’t mean you’re right for me.”

“Is that you or Dr. Maria talking?”

“Sorry to disappoint you, but no one put the thoughts in my head and no one put the words in my mouth.”

“I don’t get it, though.  How can you divorce someone that you might always love?”

This conversation has gone
wayyyyyyyy
over his untruly, unmadly, undeeply head and it’s beginning to break my truly, madly, deeply heart.

“Funny, because that’s the very thing I had to come to terms with in order to finally leave you.”

“What do you mean?”

“You wanna know what happens to unrequited love, Kurt?  Well, just like Dr. Maria tried to explain to you the one and only time you went to see her, it turns into resentment and once that happens, the relationship is over.  No matter who’s in love with who or how much.  In my heart, I knew I’d always crave more than you could give to me, and it just seemed like a love life not worth living.  That’s how I could divorce someone I might always love.”

“But you never even tried to explain it to me like that.  It’s like you never even gave me a chance to fix the damage.”

“I’ll give you that.  By the time I realized what was wrong with us, it was too late. I already met Leo, and it was like all of these missing pieces in my life magically appeared right along with him.  Our marriage didn’t stand a chance.”

“Ouch.”

“I’m not trying to be mean.  I’m just trying to give you the truth you deserve.  I wish you knew how hard it was for me to do that.”

All of a sudden it feels like a heavy weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  But I feel like I deserve some truths too…I wonder if hearing them will add the weight right back.

“As long as we’re being honest with each other, maybe you can fill in some blanks for me.”

“Like what?”

“How come you let me move out of our house so easily?  No wait, how come you
helped
me move out of our house?  And, you never called after I moved out…never even went to one single therapy session alone like I asked you to.  Seems to me like there were a few opportunities to try and fix some of the damage.”

Cracking a tiny half smile, “I feel so stupid.  But, I honestly thought I was giving you your space.  I thought I was giving you what you wanted and it would make you happy and then you’d come home.”

Offering him no hint of enjoyment back, “I couldn’t risk losing another twelve years of my life by thinking your intentions were anything other than simply not caring.  I had already given enough of myself to you.  Even if Leo and I didn’t work out, I knew I’d be happier alone.”

Looking down at my watch, I’m reminded that I’m not alone and that Leo and I did work out and that I really have to get back to the cottage to see if he called.  I abruptly scoot my chair out from under me.

“Thanks for the coffee, but I really have to get going.”

Now standing himself, “Wait…There’s something else I need to talk to you about.  Stuff that I thought I was gonna have the opportunity to make up to you, but everything just fell apart.”

“What are you talking about?”

“This is hard for me, Chrissy.  Remember, I’m the guy who thought letting you move out was a good idea.”

“Talking isn’t supposed to be torture, Kurt.”

“I’m learning that.  Look…that thing that happened in high school…I have to make it right.”

Why? Why? Whyyyyyyy
did he have to go there and
WHY NOW?

“MAKE IT RIGHT?”

Realizing that people are now staring, I lower my voice back down. 

“How the hell are you gonna make it right, Kurt?  I had an… an…”

It’s still so hard to say that vile word.

“I can’t tell you how sorry I am that I acted that way.  I was young and stupid.  I didn’t handle it the way I should’ve.”

“Stop! Stop! Stop!  I’m not doing this with you!  You had your chance to make that situation and so many others right.  In fact, you had over a decade of chance! You ran out of time, Kurt.  When are you gonna realize that?”

“I realize it already, I just thought that-”

“You realize NOTHING, and I’m starting to think you never will!  Three years ago I took you to Dr. Maria so that you could figure yourself out and get shit like this out of your system.  But you chose not to say one helpful thing or share one compassionate thought and because of that I got on with my life.”  Reaching for the receipt on the table I scribble Dr. Maria’s phone number. “Here!  Try again!  Believe me…she’s the only one who wants to listen to what you have to say.”

Having coffee with Kurt has been a distraction from the shitty things happening in New York, but it’s been a destructive distraction.  Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure to him, and this is the absolute last time I plan on playing with fire.  He says nothing as I grab my things and storm out of the coffee shop with more weight on my shoulders than I had when I walked into it.

There weren’t any messages when I got back to the cottage, but there were five missed calls.  Leo picks up on the first ring of my first attempt to reach him.

“Where were you? I called like a hundred times!”

“Ran out to grab some coffee.”

Technically…just another omission.

“Is everything okay?  I didn’t expect to hear from you so fast.”

After a longer than comfortable pause, Leo’s voice cracks as he says, “I didn’t expect to find him so fast.”  And then he breaks down.

Frantic

October, 2001

After failing to get anywhere near Ground Zero, Leo frantically started asking where the nearest hospital was.  He was told that most of the 9/11 survivors were taken to The New York City Downtown Hospital.  Before he rushed there, he pinned up a picture of his best friend, along with his new cell phone number, at the make-shift lost victims gathering place.  Sadly, there wasn’t one single lost victim there hoping to find a family member or a friend, there were only the people looking for them.

The hospital was crowded and chaotic, two things Leo hates the very most.  He tried to be patient and wait his turn in line at the reception desk, but that only lasted five minutes.  He offered a hundred dollars to a nurse to take him to the rooms of every male victim of 9/11.  After the ninth room, the nurse had to leave him for an emergency, but for another hundred, he let Leo search on his own.  It was during my phone call with Leo, when he interrupted his recount of searching for his friend by reminding me of how shady the people are in New York, that’s when I knew, Taddeo was alive. That phone call was twenty-five days ago.

I flew in yesterday.  It had been almost a month since I saw Leo, and I couldn’t take being apart from him any longer.  I could also tell by the sound of his voice that, as each day went on, he’d grown increasingly more depressed about Taddeo’s condition.  His best friend had been laying in a coma for nearly a month with no signs of waking anytime soon.

Leo arrived to my room shortly after I checked in last night.  His face unshaven, his clothes coffee stained and wrinkled, and his eyes sunken in.  He looked ten years older than the last time I saw him. We embraced for a long time and then proceeded to a light dinner where he tried to prepare me for what I was going to see the following day.  After dinner, he excused himself to go and pray at the small church he found down the street from the hotel.  He said, “It’s the only thing I can think of that will help him.”  I declined his invitation to go because, well…after all of the sins I’ve committed, I’m afraid I’ll light on fire if I step foot inside of one of those things.  I decided to contribute to Taddeo’s recovery by doing what I do best; I raided the hotel mini-bar, shook myself a martini, and begged Kelly to pull some strings.  Clearly our prayers worked last night because two hours ago Leo called me at the hotel with the remarkable news that Taddeo woke up.

Apparently, a few minutes before the first plane hit the towers on 9/11, Taddeo, who recently left Goldman Sachs to start his own Hedge Fund, went to the lower level of The North Tower. He was called down to meet a very lost furniture delivery guy.  Once he was down there, tragedy struck.  Everyone, including Taddeo, very slowly started leaving the building and no one really panicked until they got outside and realized what had happened.  Even so, it seemed like such a small hole in comparison to the size of the building and he even contemplated going back to his office to grab his laptop.  When he turned to ask a police officer if he could re-enter the building, that’s when The South Tower was hit. He stayed nearby to witness the catastrophe…too close actually.  When The South Tower fell, it crumbled to the ground as quickly as a Jenga game gone bad.  He ran as fast as he could to avoid the debris, but knew his efforts were hopeless when it started steamrolling around him.  He dove under a car and held on for dear life.  Apparently, Taddeo held on good enough because finally, after nearly a month of drifting in and out of consciousness, he woke up this morning to his grateful best friend sitting beside him.

After a few minutes of gathering his surroundings and several more of doctors poking and prodding him, a very confused Taddeo finally turns to Leo and asks, “Dude, what the hell?”

“Terrorists, Man.  It was really bad.  The Towers are gone.”

“Holy
… A lot dead?”

“Almost everyone.”

“Jesus Christ.”  After absorbing the enormity of what he survived and telling Leo the story of how he did, he asks, “When did you get here?”

“Bout’ a month ago.  Took the first flight out.”

“Holy shit…I’ve been out that long, huh?  How do I look?”

“Like you got the shit kicked out of you.”

“So I guess I look just like I did before that building landed on me, huh?” 

“Damn it, Taddeo, I am so sorry that happened.  We never should’ve fought.”

“It’s all in the past.  Forget about it.”

 Realizing he came as close as he did to losing one of the most important people in his life, after doing one of the most foolish things in his life, Leo conceals the sorrow in his eyes with his fingertips and hangs his head low.  In barely a whisper, “I don’t know what came over me, and I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself.”

And like all good best friends, Taddeo lets him off the hook.

“Love, Man.  Does crazy shit to people.”

Leo’s job at Robertson Stephens, although sympathetic at first because everyone there seemed to have known someone that died on 9/11, had become tired of waiting for him to come back and gave him an ultimatum- be at work on Monday or we have to let you go.  That was two weeks ago.  It would’ve been a devastating blow to most guys who had worked their entire adult life toward becoming an investment banker at one of the most prominent firms in the country, but he barely felt an ounce of pain from the loss.  It paled in comparison to the potential one he sat next to at the hospital every day for the last month.