The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (14 page)

“We’re being attacked!  Have you heard from Leo?”

For a second I think it’s all a big joke.  Nobody can attack us.  We have eyes and ears everywhere, and we have missiles and bombs that can easily destroy whatever those eyes and ears see and hear.  Still confused, I flip through the channels again and make out that the plane I’m watching slam into the World Trade Center, over and over again, is one of ours.  Piecing together everything I’m looking at, Megan’s question now jolts me to my feet.  Leo works on the top floor of the Bank of America building, the tallest building in San Francisco!

“OH MY GOD, HE’S IN HIS OFFICE!  I have to go Megan!  I have to find him.”

Frantically pushing the end call button so that I can enter Leo’s office number, the line just rings and rings and rings.  No answer.  After my tenth attempt, I call Megan back.

“He’s not picking up in his office!”

“Did you try his cell?”

“It’s Leo, remember? He doesn’t have a fucking cell!”

“Oh shit…that’s right.”

“Megan, I can’t turn on the TV and look.  Did he get hit?  Please tell me we’re okay here.  Please tell me this is only happening in New York!  Oh my God, he’s not answering his office phone! He got hit, didn’t he?  Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God.”

“Chrissy, take a deep breath.  I’m pretty sure he’s okay.  So far it’s just New York…Oh, and the Pentagon.”

“Holy shit…
the Pentagon
?”

“Yeah.  Chrissy, I’m scared.  Can I come over?”

“Of course.  I’ll call Barbara to make sure she’s okay.  You call everyone else from the studios and tell them not to come in today.”

“Okay.  But Chrissy…”

“Yeah?”

“Doesn’t Taddeo work in the World Trade Center?”

Instantly my knees give out from under me and I crumble to the floor.  It’s a reaction that I’ve only experienced two other times in my life, at the baby killing clinic when I was seventeen and the night of Leo’s college graduation when I thought I had lost him forever.  Please, Jesus, who I’m still struggling to believe in, please don’t let Leo lose his best friend.  I’ll never forgive myself.

Scramble

September, 2001

I don’t think the morning of September 11th was any different for me than it was for anyone else.  From the moment I realized what was happening, everything began moving in slow motion.  Awaiting Megan’s arrival, I called my family and my best friends to make sure they were alright.  And of course, I continued to call Leo’s office line.  After twenty unsuccessful attempts to reach him, I finally left a message.

“Leo!  I know where your head is right now, and I need to make sure you’re okay. I love you so much.  Please hurry and get home to me.”

I knew Leo’s head was with Taddeo’s…in the rubble at the bottom of The World Trade Center.  Of course, I couldn’t substantiate Taddeo’s
exact
whereabouts, but deep down I knew where he was.  And when Leo came barreling through the cottage door two hours later, that’s where he told me he was going.

“Now?
  But there aren’t any flights, and no one knows when there will be!”

Rushing past me to pack a bag he mumbles, “Then I’ll be the first one in line when they start selling tickets.”

Borderline begging, I grab his arm, “Leo, please!  What if it’s not safe?”  Scrambling to say whatever’s necessary to delay his effort to leave, “Wait!  Have you tried his cell phone?”

Startling me and Megan, he slams his fist into the wall and screams, “Damn it, Chrissy!  There is no fucking cell reception where Taddeo is!  Don’t you get it?  He was on the top of that building!  He’s dead!”

I’m torn between being scared for his potential loss or the one I might have to endure if he boards a plane.

“You don’t know that, Leo!  Please, just call his parents, they might know something!”

Now hanging his head low and speaking in barely a whisper, “I already did.  I borrowed someone’s cell phone when we evacuated our building.”

“What’d they say?”

Looking up at me, scared and brokenhearted, he continues to whisper, “They told me to please go and find their son.  Which is exactly what I’m gonna do.  I have to find their son…my best friend…who…” His words were muffled, but I knew exactly what he said because I was thinking the same thing, “…who I beat the shit out of last month.”

Grabbing his shoulders to try and talk some sense into him, “Please, just wait a few days.”  But, he says nothing.  I turn his face to look at mine so he can see how serious I am. “Leo…I’m scared.  I don’t want you to go there right now.  What if…what if it happens again?”

“Chrissy, do you realize I was working at the top of those same buildings just a few months ago?”

I do.  The thought of him jumping out of a window, blowing up or burning alive has entered my mind about a hundred times this morning.  The second the images hit my head, I boot them out and then silently thank my angels in heaven for getting him out of harm’s way.  My head
cannot
go there.  I’ll fall apart if it does.

“Chrissy…”  Tilting my chin up with his finger, “Now it’s your turn to look at me.”

I don’t want to because I’ll be forced to give him my blessing.  I can’t say no to him. Ever since the moment I met him, I’ve not been able to.  The nanosecond my eyes confront his, I know I’ve lost this battle.

“If the tables were turned, he’d be looking for me.”

“I know.”

“I have to go.”

“I know.”

And then he walked to the bedroom to pack his bag.  The bedroom that just fifteen hours ago belonged to the happiest place on earth.

Thirty minutes later, after a long hug and kiss, a very overwhelmed Leo told me he loved me and then abruptly left for the airport.

Megan and I called Slutty Co-worker to make sure she was okay, but surprisingly The Ho-Bag beat us to it. She was with him at a bar watching the news with all of the other single people who didn’t want to be alone and had nowhere else to go.  But unlike all of the single people surrounding them, they held hands and squeezed them tightly together whenever the reporter mentioned potential fatalities.  When I finally got through to Barbara it was evident she was very afraid.  I told her I’d come and get her, but she said she’d rather hide in her home in Berkeley and pretend nothing bad happened.

Megan stayed at the cottage with me for four days.  I was too scared to be alone.  I was scared for Leo who had been sleeping on the floor at Oakland Airport waiting to catch a flight to New York. I was scared for Taddeo, who still had not been heard from.  And, I was scared because thanks to a few Muslim extremists, life as I knew it would never be the same again.

After saying goodbye to Megan this morning, I closed the cottage door and thought how crazy it was that just four nights ago I finally found the kind of contentment with Leo that I was sure nothing could disturb. Lying in his arms, I imagined the children we would have. I thought of all things perfect on my old Life List and started crafting a new one in my mind, knowing this time around I’d achieve every single line item.  But, when I turned on the TV the next morning, I was reminded of how quickly the good things in life can vanish.  (Actually, I’m surprised and saddened I needed that reminder given the fact that Kelly died just seven months ago.)  The morning of September eleventh reminded me of how little I’m actually able to control.   I was reminded that the only thing I have control over is my happiness, and as I watched the horrible images of the airplanes crashing into the twin towers over and over again on TV that day, and for the next three, I sure as hell couldn’t find any.  And, even though Leo called me five minutes ago from a cell phone he purchased inside of JFK to tell me he landed safely, I’m still struggling to find any happiness.  Everything is completely upside down, and I have a sick feeling it’s going to stay that way for a very long time.

Fifteen minutes after telling Leo I loved him and begging him to be safe, my phone rang again.  Thinking it was him and scared that another plane was falling from the sky, I lunged at it.

“Baby, are you okay?”

“Sorry to disappoint, but it’s not baby.”

I already knew Kurt was okay following the 9/11 attacks.  When I called Courtney the day it all happened, she told me he was on the way to her house to pick up Guss who was going camping with him and Craig.  September eleventh was the day I was
supposed
to start watching Kendall.  Obviously, that never happened.

“I don’t have a lot of time right now, Kurt.”

Despite having a semi-decent conversation with him at his “house” in May and at my yoga studio the other day, I kept both of them from Leo and that didn’t feel decent at all.   I decided the other night during my triple X performance with Leo that, barring anything to do with Craig or Kendall, I would not have contact with Kurt anymore.  That decision starts now.

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay, Chrissy, that’s all.”

“You don’t have to do that anymore.”

It’s not like he ever did, but that shit ship has long since sailed, and I’m not about to bring it back to the harbor and remind him.

“Chrissy, I know you’re alone, and I know why and unless you’ve changed more than I thought, you’re probably a little emotional.”

Before I can ask how he knows I’m alone, he interjects with “Don’t worry.  I’m not frantically trying to figure out your personal life.  Courtney told me “baby” has a friend in the towers and he went to go find him.  It’s pretty intense stuff and I just wanted to make sure you were all right.  Is that a problem?”

“His name is Leo and why wouldn’t I be all right?  I’m…not…the one…buried at the bottom of those buildings!”  And then I lose it like the Chrissy he’s known his entire adult life.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”  And then the line went dead.

I'm forgetting the way you moved

The way I felt

I'm forgetting the time we spent

All by ourselves

Cause it's too late to try to change your mind

And there's nothing else I can do

I'm forgetting you

(Forgetting You, Nathan Angelo)

Destructive Distraction

September, 2001

My cottage is a place that’s completely separate from the life I shared with Kurt.  In it, there’s no trace of the stupid appeasing girl I used to be and there’s no room for her return.  I am who I was always meant to be, a successful-business-woman-slutty-catholic-school-girl-costume-wearing-overly-adored-porn-princess, and that’s why I’m happiest when I’m in it.

Kurt’s only showed up to my cottage twice in the past, and those two times felt like I was being pulled back to something that didn’t feel right.  In spite of how much I used to love him, each time he came here and said, “Pack your bags, you’re coming home,” it felt like a death sentence.  Even though he has no legitimate reason to say that to me anymore, I don’t like him in this space, and I knew that’s exactly where he was when I heard the knock on the door.  This cottage belongs to Leo too now, and the knock felt like a betrayal the minute I heard it. Opening the door I pledge to myself to honor the decision I made the other night to keep my ex-husband out of my life.

“Kurt, you can’t be here.”

But dammit, despite the pledge, it still hurts to hurt him.

“I’m just checking on you, Chrissy.  That’s all.”

“Thanks for the concern, but I’m fine…really.”

“Let me come in for a minute.”

“
No way.
  I don’t think I have to tell you how mad that would make Leo.”

“What?  He can sleep with my wife, but I can’t drop by to see if she’s doing okay after he left her to go to New York?”

Whoa!  That’s the first time he’s ever verbally acknowledged my affair.  I want a plane to hit
me
right now.

“Okay, first…he didn’t
leave
me to go to New York.  He went to find his best friend.  HUGE DIFFERENCE!  And second, I’m not your wife anymore, Kurt.  It’s not your job to check on me.  You really need to go.”

When I try to close the door, he puts his foot in the way to stop it.

“Look, I didn’t come here to upset you.  I’m sorry.”

He’s sorry?
Didn’t he listen to his own words?  I slept with someone else when we were married!  Good Lord,
I
don’t even know how he can even be standing here right now!

“Kurt, you can’t be here.  It’s just not a good idea.”

“Fine.  Then let’s go get some coffee.”

Is he freaking kidding me with this?

“C’mon, Chrissy, you look like shit.  You need to get out of here for a few hours.”

“Of course I can use a break, but not with you!  Kurt, we’re not friends!  We decided we couldn’t be when we got a divorce, remember?”

“Jesus, I’m not here to get in the way of what you’ve got going on.  I just wanted to see if you were okay.  Has anyone else tried to do that?”

Come to think of it, no.  My friends suck. 

“Thanks a lot, Kurt.  First you tell me I look like shit and then you remind me I have no friends.  Good job cheering me up.”

Laughing a little, he puts his foot in the door when I try to close it again.

“Actually…first I reminded you that you cheated on me.”

In addition to Kurt’s honesty, I always appreciated his sense of humor.  After releasing a small smile that I tried really hard to contain, “Kurt, you really do need to go.  This doesn’t feel right.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer.  C’mon, one of your biggest complaints about me was that I never fought hard enough for you.  I’m tired of proving you right.”

“The fight’s over, remember?”

“That one is, but not this one.  C’mon let’s just grab some coffee, get you outta here for a few hours.”