The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (10 page)

“Then, what?”

“When Leo showed up on my porch in March right after you died, we agreed to let the vulnerability that existed when we first met drive the relationship.  We agreed to be afraid together, and I thought that would be enough to…”

“
To what?”

“Make me forget that he’s six years behind me.”

“Oh, for the love of Pete!”

“No, listen!  What if I’m not what he wants when he’s my age?  What if he has as much growing to do in his life that I had to do in mine?  I don’t know, seems like I’m forced to be the more vulnerable one in the relationship, and it scares me, Kel.”

“Jesus H. Christ! 
Are you really doing this?”

“I’m really doing this.”

“Anyone can grow and change at any time, dumbass!  You don’t have to be six years younger than someone to screw up a relationship.  You’re living proof of that!  Chrissy, if you’re a match, you’re a match.   Age has nothing to do with it.”

I should know all of this.  But still, I’m scared he’s going to leave me and then I’ll be divorced…AGAIN!  I don’t think I can handle that kind of failure twice in my lifetime.

“Let’s just drop it.  If it happens, it happens, and of course I’ll say yes.  But for now, I just wanna keep enjoying what we have…a monogamous relationship without all of the paperwork and public humiliation if it doesn’t work out!”

I go on to tell Kelly about the last few amazing weeks with Leo.  I re-cap the trip to Mill Valley, the dreamy weekend at Shell Beach…The Sweetwater Saloon.  And, even though she’s not here with me, when I tell her about the sex in the limo, I blush.  When I’m done getting her all caught up, I ask her the question that’s been on my mind since last month.

“So, Kel, what’s up with that dream I had the night Leo and I went out for Mexican food?  Does it mean anything?”

“Do you want it to mean something?”

“Not if it means I still have feelings for Kurt or if there’s a baby in my near future.  There isn’t…right?”

“How the hell do I know what’s in your future?”

God, I miss her.  After a loud laugh that makes the lawnmower dude give me a creepy look, I whisper, “But, seriously, Kel…the dream felt so real.”  After thinking for a minute, I curiously ask my dead friend, “What do you think dreams really are anyway?”

“Hmmmm, good question.  Maybe they’re the release of our deepest secret desires, or maybe they’re the place we go to solve the problems we couldn’t solve when we were awake. Or, I dunno, maybe they’re just a montage of bits and pieces of our day mixed in with the crap we watch on TV.  Why?  What do you think they are?”

“I have no clue, but I have a weird feeling you’re gonna teach me.”

Packing up the picnic basket, I hear Kelly’s voice say, “Call your best friends.  Yes…when it comes to matters of the heart, they’re dumb as stumps, but they love you like a sister and they’re worried about you.”

“Sorry old friend, I’m not backing down on this one.”  A few feet down the path, I turn and yell, “They can call me!”  And then, “Don’t forget to tell my Grandpa I love him and I hope he’s enjoying this nice long vacation from me!”  After getting another weird look from the lawnmower guy, I hop in my car to pick up Kendall.  Someone I still can’t bring myself to talk about with Kelly. And I never will, unless she brings her up.

Like most of my afternoons with Kendall, we end up at the mall.  After Craig helps me unload the shopping bags, he puts on a cartoon for his daughter and pops open a couple of beers.  Like usual, we hunker down on the front porch.  The minute Kelly got sick, it became our special spot.

“You know…that closet of Kendall’s is starting to look like a Stride Rite store.  You might wanna ease up on the shoe shopping.”

“Hey, you better watch your mouth ol’ pal!  It should look like a Norstrom!  Besides that,  a girl can NEVER have too many pairs of shoes!”

Our laughing then escalates when I recap my encounter with Kayla.

“Oh my God, Chrissy, you’re gonna give that chick a heart attack!”

“Like I told Kurt, it’s just too easy!”  After a big swig of beer, “Fun too.  But, unless you send me there again to retrieve Kendall’s Puffa-thingy, I can’t think of a reason why I’d ever see her again.”

Knowing me better than I thought he’s quick to say, “
Are you kidding?
I can’t deny you that kind of entertainment!  I’m definitely leaving it there the next time those two make dinner for me and Kendall!”

The sick feeling in my stomach catches me by surprise.

Before I finish saying, “Will Nicole, Courtney and their douche bag husbands be there too?”  He’s nodding his head. “Seriously, Craig…
what’s up with that?
”

“Okay, okay, Kitty…Keep your claws in.  Everyone just needs a little more time to adjust to the break up.”

“But why is everyone welcoming her with open arms?”

“Baby steps, Chrissy.”

“More like bullshit steps if you ask me.”

“C’mon, we’ve been one big group for like, fourteen years!  I doubt if Guss and Kyle have even changed their underwear five times in that length of time and you want them to all of a sudden meet your lover?”

“
My lover?
  Jesus, what am I, a character in a romance novel?”

“I don’t know what you call that guy!”  Thinking really hard and scratching his head, “I got nothin’ else to add to the lover stuff, but…I’d like to meet him though.”

Nearly spitting my beer out, “
Are you serious?”

“Absolutely.  I mean, even though I trust you with Kendall’s life, I’d be a shitty dad if I didn’t get to know the guy who’s spending so much time with my daughter.”

“That’s understandable.”

“That’s not all.”  And then he gets a little somber.  “It was my wife’s persistence that brought you and that guy…”

Trying to make him cheery again, I interject with, “You mean…
my lover!”

But he stays serious. “Right.  It was Kelly that got you and Leo back together.  I wanna see what all of the fuss is about.  How about a barbeque over here next week?”

“You know what?  That sounds like exactly what we need to unite everyone.”

After high-fiving on the plan, I grab Craig’s wrist watch to make sure I’m not running too late.  When I look at it, I’m taken back in time.

“Oh my gosh, Craig.  That’s the watch Kurt and I gave you for your wedding.  I had no idea you still wore it.”

Kurt and I bought Craig and Kelly his and hers matching watches which we had inscribed with, “
To our best friends…it’s about time
,” on the back.  In return, they bought us matching robes for our wedding a year later.  They had the word “ball” inscribed on the back of Kurt’s and “chain” on the back of mine.  Kurt and I always did buy better gifts for people.  Correction.
 I
always bought better gifts for people.

“I never take it off.  You know how Kelly was…she liked it when we wore matching gear.”

It suddenly occurs to me that Kelly must’ve been buried with her watch on.  Well, I’ll be darned.  She did take a piece of me with her.

After leaving a somber Craig alone with his thoughts on the front porch that evening, I made my way home to my love, feeling pangs of guilt the entire drive that mine was alive and I’d be able to wrap my arms around him.  The only thought that lifted my spirits was that my old friend genuinely wanted to meet Leo.  If Leo can make a good impression with Craig, maybe he can talk those other idiots into accepting him.   I know Leo could give a shit if they like him or not, but I’m not ready to let my past die along with Kelly and my marriage.  Those meatheads and their dumbass doctor wives are my family.  I may act all tough in front of them when it comes to defending my relationship with Leo, but when it comes right down to it, I love them and I need them.

Exposure

June, 2001

Still not a poop out of me since Leo moved in (well, at least not in the cottage anyway) and still not a peep out of Kurt since I ran into him.  And that’s just fine and dandy with me.  I can’t be exposed to Kurt.  Bad, bad things happen when there’s exposure.  If Craig leaves the Puffa-thingy at Kurt’s girlfriend’s parents’ house, he’s on his own.  I was almost scared the subject would come up in front of Leo when we had dinner with Craig last week because I forgot to tell Craig that Leo has a little bit of an issue with the fact that there is a Kurt.  Luckily, Kendall hijacked Leo the second we got there to show him her swing-set in the backyard, and I was able to tell Craig to zip it.  The night ended up being better than I could’ve imagined, but it definitely got off to a rocky start in the car on the way there.

The last time I saw Leo that nervous was also the first time.  It was when I went to his apartment in February 1998, when I knelt down in front of him and nudged myself between his legs.  His entire body trembled when I started to kiss him.  Though he didn’t tremble when we pulled into Craig’s driveway, he definitely appeared anxious.

“Baby, relax.  It’s Kelly’s husband,
Kendall’s father
…not Attila the Hun.”

“Yeah and he’s also Numb Nuts’ best friend.”

Ahhh, Numb Nuts.  Been a while since he busted that one out.

“I can’t help but think this is some kind of set up.”

Almost cracking up, “Just how much Miami Vice
did
you watch when you were a kid?”

Doing the quick math in my head, I calculate that I was sixteen when that show was on and Leo was…oh shit.  Leo was ten.  PURGE THE THOUGHT CHRISSY!  PURGE IT!  You’re not screwing a ten-year-old.  You’re screwing a twenty-six-year-old.  Perfectly legal.

“There’s no set up, Leo.  Craig genuinely wants to meet my boyfriend and the guy who his daughter has so much fun hunting snipes with.  That’s it.  Please have an open mind and show him the man I fell in love with.”

And that he did.  After a two second territorial eye stare and some butt sniffing, the two men quickly determined they were compatible and there was no dog fight.  Other than the one eyebrow raise and neck twitch when Leo walked past a framed picture of Craig, Kyle, Guss, and Kurt on a fishing trip, the evening went off without a hitch.  We talked about our jobs, football, the sluggish economy, and the main reason I got on the red eye to find Leo in New York last December.  It was the first time Leo heard about just how much time I spent on Craig’s porch when Kelly was sick.  I had told Leo about the letters I wrote to Kelly, but he had no idea of just how many there were.  Craig talked about the flowers I planted in her garden, the grocery shopping, the babysitting, and the long talks he and I had over beers after Kelly fell asleep.  Leo had no idea how much Craig really knew about him and no idea that had it not been for Kelly’s one and only letter back to me in which she wrote,
“Go find him Chrissy.  I know he’s waiting for you…get moving on those second chances,”
I wouldn’t have.

After an amazing dinner that Kelly would’ve been very proud of her husband for preparing on his own, Craig and I watched from the kitchen window as Leo and Kendall were getting in their last snipe hunt of the evening.

“I can see why you like that guy so much, he adores you.”

“Correction.  I love him.”

“You should.  He’s the real deal.  Good with kids too.  Look at them out there.”

Craig and I smile at the silliness we’re witnessing in the backyard.

“So, the big thirty-two next week, huh?”

“Yep.  Life’s flying by.”

“Flies by faster with kids in the picture.  Still want any?”

“Totally.  But I don’t plan that stuff out anymore.  Bogs me down.”

“You might wanna jump on it.  You’re not getting any younger.”

Punching my old friend in the arm “Hey, watch it, buddy!”

“C’mon, I’m serious.  He might be young, but he seems ready.  Fuckin’ in love with you, that’s for sure!” And then, “Don’t worry about Kyle and Guss, they’ll come around.”

“You know… I’m really torn about that.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t think Leo wants them to come around.  I think he wants all of the reminders of Kurt to go away.”

“And you?”

“I wish my past didn’t hurt him so much, but without it, I wouldn’t be who I am, and I certainly wouldn’t have been at Buckley’s that night.  All of my experiences, mostly the ones with Kurt, put me there.”  Thoughtfully inhaling as I watch Leo outside, “I can’t resent them the way he does.”

Laughing like I hadn’t heard in a long time from him, “Sure bet Kurt wishes you stayed home that night!”

“Doubtful!  He’s got Boobs and a big free mansion.  That guy’s not wishing anything different.”

“If you say so.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Forget it.  I don’t wanna stir anything up.  I like that guy out there and I can see why you do too.”

“But?”

“But, Kurt knows what he did wrong.  He’s learned a lot about himself since the snipe hunter came around.”

Annoyed, I grab a stack of dishes to wash, “I’m not really sure what you’re driving at Craig, but it’s too late.  If Kurt didn’t want me to end up looking for love at some dive bar, he should’ve paid more attention to me on the phone that night…and for that matter, for the twelve years before it.”  Scrubbing a dish like it’s nobody’s business, I gripe, “If he didn’t wanna go out of business, he should’ve taken care of business.”

“Wow, that’s a good one.  You just think of that?”

Breaking from the dirty dish, I glance back out at Leo and whisper, “Can’t take credit.”  Then, mauling the dirty dish again, I sneer, “But, why don’t you reiterate it to that old friend of yours so he doesn’t make the same mistake twice.”

“Don’t have to.  He already knows.”  Looking back outside at Leo and Kendall, “Kurt did a lot wrong, but he’s a good guy.”

Slamming down the dish, I annoyingly snap, “C’mon Craig!  Why are you doing this?”

“Let me finish.  I was
gonna say
, and it seems like Leo’s a good guy too.  You’re a pretty lucky woman to have found him.  Me…I can’t imagine I’ll ever go down that road again.”