The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (13 page)

I whisper back, “What does what look like?”

“His dick.”

Not whispering anymore, “NO WAY!”

“Come on!  I bet it’s big!”

“You get nothing, just keep coaching, lady.”

Dejected she slumps back in her chair. 

“Fine.  I’ll tell you this much…it’s in direct proportion to the rest of his body.  Satisfied?”

Clapping her hands, “I am…and I bet you are too, hunny!”

“Can we please continue now?”

Sitting back up to the edge of her seat, “So you gently grab his dick and run the wand, on low speed of course because we don’t wanna make the damn thing fall off, run it up and down his shaft…”

Spitting my latte all over the desk, “I’m sorry, did you just say
shaft
?”

Megan walks by my office door laughing, “Yep, she said shaft alright.”

“Oh my God, I don’t think I’ve heard that word since sixth grade health class!”

“Well, Jesus hunny, with all of these elementary questions I thought that’s what this was!”

After composing ourselves, class resumed with everything I ever needed to know about blow jobs (yes, it was altoids I was supposed to use), balls in the mouth (who knew you could fit both of them) and…gulp…anal sex.  I told my dear friend that I’d gladly oblige on everything but the anal.  Tain’t no fucking way!  Just as she was telling me I’d be making a huge mistake because that’s probably the thing he wants more than anything in the world, Megan peeks her head back in again.

“Hate to break things up just as they’re about to get interesting, but Chrissy, you have a visitor.  Singing the words as she walks away, “
And you’re not gonna liiiiiiiike it
…”

Slutty Co-worker and I round the corner to the front lobby at the same time, and we’re both shocked to see Kurt standing there.  She whispers, “What, no flowers this time?” before I shove her away.

“Kurt, what are you doing here?”

“I need to talk to you. Can we go in your office?”

Once there, his eyes zoom right in on the picture of me and Leo cuddling in a booth at The Sweetwater Saloon.  Part of me wants to slam it down on my desk to hide it.  The other part of me feels like that would be such a betrayal to Leo.  As uncomfortable as the moment is, I leave it upright.

“Sweetwater, huh?”

“Yeah.”

“So, does he think you went there for the first time with him?”

“Kurt, please don’t.  It’s too uncomfortable.  Can we just talk about why you’re here?”

After staring at Leo’s face in the picture for a lot longer than necessary, he turns to me.  “It’s Craig.  I’m worried about him.”

“I saw him a few days ago, he looked fine.”

“He’s not.  He’s been missing meetings at work, calling in sick all of the time.  I need to get him out of town, maybe take him camping.  Can you take Kendall for about a week?  His parents can’t handle her that long.”

“Worse than that, they’re so damn old they could die in a week!”

“Really?  Do you always have to be so crass?”

Smiling at his displeasure, “Told you that you wouldn’t like authentic Chrissy.”

Ignoring my comment, he continues, “Well, can you?”

“Of course.  I’ll do anything to help Craig out.  But, like I said, he seemed in okay spirits the last few times I saw him.  He even made dinner for…”

Oh crap.

“Chrissy, relax.  Craig can break bread with whoever he wants to and I’ll still be his best friend.”

“So you don’t care at all that Leo hung out with Craig and Kendall?  Not one single thing about that bothers you?”

“Why would it?”

Why does that make me so angry?  Why do I even want him to care?  God damn it, why am I making this conversation all about me?

“You know what?  You’re right.  Why would it?  You have Kayla and I have Leo and we should all be able to be friends with whoever we want, especially Craig and Kendall because they need all of the support they can get right now.  In fact, to show you how untruly, unmadly, undeeply I can be about this, I’ll even invite Kayla to go to lunch with me and Kendall when I’m watching her.”

Of course that’s a total lie.  But hey….my no lie vow only applies to Leo!

Cracking a brilliant half-smile, he chuckles and says, “Sounds great.  Just don’t kill her.”

“Kurt!  I’ve watched Kendall for long periods of time before and she came out just fine!”

“I’m not talking about Kendall.”

And with that, he taps the photo of Leo and me just hard enough so it knocks over and he walks out of my office.

Come on Love, draw your swords

Shoot me to the ground

You are mine, I am yours

Let’s not fuck around…

(Draw Your Swords, Angus & Julia Stone)

Bravado

September, 2001

The magic wand and all of the necessary training that went with it could NOT have come soon enough.  I thought I needed it to make Leo forget that I dragged him to that pool party and to cushion the blow of the fight he got into with Taddeo, but I really needed it to turn his mood around when I told him we’d be watching Kendall for a week because Kurt wanted to take Craig camping.  No!  It wasn’t the fact that we’d be taking care of Kendall that appalled him, he adores that little girl.  What set him off was hearing me say Kurt’s name out loud.  It still bothers him to the point that he wants to punch a hole through a wall.  While he went to the gym to work out his frustrations, I took two shots of something brown from the liquor cabinet to get my nerve on and then I changed into my outfit.

There have been several times over the course of the last three years when I tried to make Leo’s jaw drop to the ground, but when he walked through the door two minutes ago, I succeeded in making it drop the farthest and the fastest.   Playing homage to his catholic school education, I was suddenly dressed as the girl I never thought I’d be, but secretly thrilled to become.  Judging by the expression on Leo’s face, I nailed the part and should send Slutty Co-worker flowers for giving me the idea.

Quickly slamming the door behind him so that no one from the street can get a peek at me, a totally focused Leo walks toward me.

“The last time I walked in and you were wearing something sexy like this, I had to go to Freakmont.  Just so you’re clear: we’re not going anywhere tonight.”

Standing there, feeling more vulnerable than I ever have in my life, I dig deep into my sexual bravado and tell Leo to go and take a shower, “I’ll be waiting for you in the bedroom.”  And then I walk my sexy catholic school girl wearing slutty-slutty-bang-bang outfit self into the bedroom to gear up for the evening’s festivities.

Everything’s ready to go.  My fishnet stockings are securely attached with a garter belt just below my teeny tiny plaid skirt, my black satin bra is peeking out of my crisp white blouse that’s tied at my belly, my black stiletto heels make me feel in charge, and the Hitachi magic wand is ready to go on the nightstand.  Time for me to go and find that abyss.  By the end of the night I want this man begging me to never leave.

Fortunately, for my sexual sanity, I didn’t have to wait until the end of the night.  Within fifteen minutes of firing up the wand, I had Leo nearly threatening me with my life if I didn’t let him take control.  Still, I followed Slutty Co-workers advice and made it all about him.  I found the special spot that I’d ignored on him for so long and used all of my strength to keep him in position while I drove him crazy.  But, my strength was nothing compared to his, and I didn’t stand a chance when he flipped over and straddled me.  Not the plan, but I had made him beg long enough to take the lead, and because of the work I just performed, I was now more than satisfied I would be a part of his life for
at least
as long as he had a sex drive.

With one hand, he firmly held both of my wrists above my head and with the other he recklessly ripped every piece of fabric off of my body and then forcefully entered me.  We’ve had a lot of sex together, but nothing and I mean NOTHING, compared to what we were doing to each other.  Looking down at me while nearly crushing my pelvis with the thrust of his, he keeps saying, “Is this what you wanted?” over and over again.  Despite my cries of “Yes, yes, yes,” without warning, he pulls out of me, flips me over and reaches for the wand.  I never thought about the thrill of being dominated before, but after this, I have a feeling it’s all I’ll ever think about.

After delivering right back to me everything I had given to him, he throws the wand against the wall, pulls me up to my knees and enters me from behind.  Reaching my arms behind my head to grab his neck for stability, he begins to kiss mine as my weary head falls to the side.  In an instant, the triple X-rated porn we had been acting out in our cottage bedroom transforms into something meaningful and slow.   With each thrust, Leo whispers “I’m never letting you go.”   My repeated response is, “I won’t let you.”  Finally reaching the end of our journey, we fall softly to the bed with his arms wrapped tightly around me.  Before he drifts off to sleep he whispers one more time, “I’m never letting you go, Chrissy.”  For the first time since we got back together, I’m assured that our six-year age difference will never interfere with our love.  I’m no more vulnerable in this relationship than he is, and it’s that very vulnerability that will keep us together, forever.

Speechless

September 11, 2001

“Kelly!”  Banging my glass on the table, “Why so sad?”

“I don’t know, they won’t tell me.”

“For cripes sake, enough with the “they” business and just tell me why you’re sad.”

She’s been gnawing on the same fry for over a minute, and she keeps looking over her shoulder at the door like she’s expecting someone.

“C’mon, woman, stay focused!  I have a lot of stuff to tell you about last night.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I thought they were expecting a lot of people today.”

“It’s Chili’s, Kelly!  Not the Nordstrom’s half yearly shoe sale!”

And then I see the tears in her eyes.  I’ve only seen them once before, and it’s a weird sight.

“Sorry, Kel, it was just a little joke.”  Reaching my hands across the table to hold hers, “Please tell me what’s going on.”

She looks intently at the salt shaker for a few seconds before she pops her head back up.  Now she’s smiling.

“They’re starting to come! I have to go and you should to.”

“But, we’re not done with the awesome blossom yet!”  Yelling at her as she runs out the door, “I STILL HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE MAGIC WAND!”

The phone ringing yanks me out of my deep fried onion dream and I mumble, “I’ve got to get to the bottom of these damn things.  They’re really starting to freak me out.”

Blindly reaching for the phone, I find the note instead.  Ignoring the annoying sound, I sit up to focus on Leo’s words.

If I could whisper in your ear right now I’d say the same thing as last night.  I’m never letting you go.  I love you.  Leo

Happy that the ringing stopped, I clutch the note to my heart and fall back into bed.  My happiness only lasts for two seconds, when it starts to ring again.

I grab at the phone and yell into it, “This better be important!”

“WHERE’S LEO?”

Laughing as I fall back on my pillow, “Megan, please don’t tell me you still have a crush on him.”

“Have you turned on the TV yet?”

“No, why?”

“You need to turn it on.”

“But I haven’t had my coffee yet and…”

“TURN ON THE GOD DAMN TV, CHRISSY!”

Reaching for the remote I mumble, “Our yoga collection better be on Good Morning America or I’m gonna kick your ass.”

Confused by the special effects I’m watching, I switch to channel 4, then to channel 7 and then back to channel 4 before I slowly say, “Megan…
what’s going on?
”