The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (12 page)

Do hast mich

Do hast mich gefragt

Do hast mich gefragt

Do hast mich gefragt und ich hab nichts gesagt

(Du Hast, Ramstein)

Gangness

September, 2001

“Holy crap…What’s the occasion?”

Leo walked in from work at precisely the right time and apparently I did too.   A second earlier and I wouldn’t have been ready.  I showered, got pretty, and quickly changed into my bikini with barely enough time to refresh my lip gloss and make him a double scotch on the rocks before he walked through the cottage door.

“You look amazing in that thing.  Get over here.”

Grabbing my waist and already untying my bikini top, I wiggle away and hand him the drink.

“Here, I made this for you!”

After taking a sip and nearly choking to death, he puts the drink down and makes a joke about me taking the movie
Boiler Room
way too seriously because not all investment bankers chug hard liquor.  Then he attempts to untie my top again.

“Hold on there, big guy.  I actually have to
get
dressed.”

Chasing me into the bedroom he yells out, “Unless we’re about to catch a plane to Hawaii, nothing’s gonna stop me from taking that thing off of you!”  As he catches me and throws me on the bed, I blurt out, “Would a car ride to Freakmont do the trick?”  The mood in the room changes faster than a cat can lick its own ass.  Climbing off and standing over me, Leo’s all of a sudden, all business.

“What are you talking about?”

“My friend Nicole invited us to her house for a pool party.”  And then, as cute as I can muster, “Doesn’t that sound fun?”

“I assume it won’t just be the three of us swimming…who else is involved with this?”

“Uh…All of them.”

“All of who, Chrissy?”

“The gang…minus Kelly and Numb Nuts, of course.”

Naturally, he didn’t find that a bit funny.

“And you found out about this…when?”

“Does it matter?  Your reaction would’ve been then same if I told you now or a week ago.” Sliding off of the bed and peppering his neck with kisses, “See what a good girlfriend I am to have spared you the aggravation?”

“Yeah, how thoughtful.”

“C’mon Leo, it won’t be that bad.  Please…they’re my friends.”  Still kissing his neck, “Can’t you just throw me a bone?  I mean, I never complain when I have to hang out with The Ho-Bag.”

“Okay, one…I was trying to throw you a bone two minutes ago and you rejected it.  And two, give me a break!  It’s not like The Ho-Bag is best friends with one of my ex-girlfriends.  But, even if he were, it wouldn’t matter because it’s not like I ever had one for more than five minutes.”  Now heading back to the suddenly appealing scotch, “Chrissy, I told you before, I could give a shit about meeting those people.”

Pulling the waistband of his pants to turn him around and look him in the eyes, “But I do. 
Please?”

I won.  Twenty minutes later we’re sitting in traffic on the way to Freakmont and listening to the overly annoying German heavy metal band, Rammstein.  It’s angry and violent and normally it would turn me on, but right now it makes me wonder what the hell Leo’s preparing for in his mind.  When I reach out to hold his hand that’s resting on the center console, his focus doesn’t budge from the road ahead. 

“It’ll be fun.  Please try not to worry.”

“
You think I’m worried?
  Chrissy, my mood right now has nothing to do with being worried.  I’m annoyed.  I wanted to be alone with you tonight, I wanted to…” And then his voice trails off.

“You wanted to what?”

 “Forget it.”

“Please tell me.”

“It’s not important anymore.  But one thing’s for sure, I didn’t want to have to meet…” and then he takes his hands off of the wheel and sarcastically does those mid-air quote thingies, "‘The gang’ tonight.”  Turning the music down, “You don’t get it, do you?”

All of a sudden I feel like a fool.  “No.  I get it.”

“
Then, why
?  Why is it so important to you that I fit in with these people?”

“I don’t know, Leo.  I guess there are things I still need to hold on to.  Not because of Kur…  Sorry. Numb nuts.  It’s because of Kelly.”

“But you have Craig, you have Kendall.  And you have your friendships with Nicole and Courtney.  They’ll keep her memories alive for you.  Why do you need the whole package?”

Snapping my head at him,
“What did you say?”

“The whole package.  What?  Is something wrong?”

I think back to the one and only conversation I had with Kelly on her front porch when she ripped my head off for always needing her, Courtney, Nicole and Kurt as some kind of package.   She chastised me for relying on them too much to feel good about myself and she ridiculed my need to always mend the package when it was broken…even when none of them asked me to.   But she reminded me that I didn’t function like that when Leo was in my life, because he was all I needed.  What was so amazing about the ass-ripping she gave me was that when I thought for sure Leo wasn’t going to be in my life after he told me to take a hike in New York, I was hell bent on proving her wrong by not running back to my package to feel better.   I dug deep and became my own package by way of my yoga studios.  Kelly was right about everything she said that day, and she changed my life.

“Why are you suddenly so quiet, Chrissy?”

And Leo’s also right.  I have Craig and Kendall to keep Kelly’s memory alive, and I still have my friendships with Courtney and Nicole that he thinks are fabulous.  I’m all of a sudden sick to my stomach because this pool party wasn’t the gang’s idea, I made them do it.  Here I am again, with my glue and tape, trying to fix something that nobody asked me to fix.  And, I think I know why.  This has everything to do with feeling vulnerable with Leo.  I want the gang to like him, and I want him to like the gang so he’s tied to more than just me.  He might think twice about leaving me one day…if it’s more than just me he’d be leaving.

Let’s be honest about the subject of break-ups and divorce for a minute.   If a woman is sick of her husband because maybe he makes her feel like shit, maybe he’s lazy, maybe he sucks in bed, maybe she was never in love with him in the first place…whatever the reason, that woman will leave her husband just so she can be alone!  She’ll leave to get some fucking peace and quiet, or leave to go after some good sex or leave to find true love!  A woman is likely to dismantle whatever is standing in her way of happiness. Case in point?  Me. 
But, a man? 
A man is not going to risk dismantling the gang just to leave his wife.  Unlike women, men are lazy and dismantling/disappointing the gang just because a wife treats him like shit or sucks in bed is just too much work for them.  (Unless, of course, he’s got a new wife on tap.  Men only leave for new wife/girlfriend pussy.  Period.  End of story.)

But Leo’s actions and words are so over the top convincing that I’m it for him.  The way he makes me feel is proof that I don’t need outside influences to keep us together.  So why the hell do I need the gang as some kind of safety net to keep him around?  If anything, he should be the more vulnerable one in this relationship!   I’m the one with the track record of leaving marriages!  God, I’m such an idiot!  I need to channel Kelly’s words of wisdom and fuck the gang!  In fact, the gang is probably the only reason Leo might want to dump me!

“Turn the car around.”

“What?”

“I don’t wanna go, Leo.  This was a stupid idea, and I’m sorry I brought you this far.  Let’s just go home.”

Turning the music loud again, “Nooooooo way, baby.  You told them we’re going, so we’re going.  I’m not about to make them think I’m intimidated by their….” And here he goes with the quote thingy’s again, “gangness.”

Nice going, you vulnerable retard.  Leo’s acting like he’s about to encounter the Mexican Mafia and your friends are only having this pool party to appease your needy ass.  For some insecure lame reason, you thought the gathering was going to make your relationship with your boyfriend more
solid?
  If anything, it’s bound to do the opposite.  Those morons waiting for us at Nicole’s house are…a bunch of morons!  Jesus, Leo’s not going to stay with me for fear of losing “the gang.”  If anything, he’s going to associate me with their idiocy and bolt faster.  Nervously staring out of the car window at the dilapidated spray-painted trains along Oakland’s thunderdome-esque stretch of Highway 880, I think…It’s so pretty compared to the utter mess I’m about to step foot into.

Group Love

September, 2001

“What’s it called again?”

“The Hitachi Magic Wand.  It’s also a body massager.  I love all of that dual purpose stuff!  You really get your money’s worth!”

“Where do I buy one?”

“No worries, hunny!  I have a few lying around.”

“Gross!  I’m not gonna use one of your second-hand vibrators!”

“No, no, no sweetie!  I always have a few on hand for last minute hostess gifts!”

After shaking off the shock of
that
information, I wave at my old friend to continue. “Just tell me how I’m supposed to use the damn thing on him.”

Two things raced through my mind when Leo and I left Nicole’s house last night.  One, although individual members of the gang mean a lot to me, the need to hang onto the group in its entirety is no longer important.  And, two…  I need to learn some new sex moves to make Leo forgive the fact that I tried to make him a member.

Thank goodness Craig was already at Nicole’s house when we got there.  He handled the introduction of Leo to Guss and Kyle and was the one to promptly smack Guss in the back of the head after he asked Leo if he could get him a free checking account.  The smack
and
his explanation of the difference between being a bank teller and an investment banker for one of the most prominent boutique investment firms in the world did nothing to curb Guss and Kyle’s stupid questions.  It wasn’t until Nicole and Courtney made the two of them go away to start the barbeque that I was able to exhale.  Like the good friends they are, they handed us ginormous vodka martinis and in unison, told Leo how happy they were to finally meet him.  I was surprised to see Courtney wearing make-up and Nicole without a stain on her clothes.  It showed me their effort, and I appreciated it.  Leo ended up spending most of his time with Craig and a case of beer at a picnic table.  Guss and Kyle kept to themselves watching ESPN on the outdoor TV, turning around every so often to size up Leo.  And I spent my time running between those two groups and my girlfriends who, after finally getting a look at my boyfriend, were very interested in my sex life.  Eventually, after caving into Nicole’s curiosity about whether or not Leo and I have used whip cream on each other, it was time to call it a night.  Their husbands grunted something from their lawn chairs as we waved good-bye and my friends kissed us at the door, with Nicole’s kiss to Leo lasting a little longer than necessary.  Craig walked us to our car and being the stand up guy he is, apologized for his friend’s idiocy.  Leo, being the sharp guy he is, reminded him that he used to work in a rock yard so he’s used to it.  The two guys shook hands and off we went.   Seeing as though Leo didn’t blow up the house, the evening went off without a hitch.  But, I don’t have the desire to ever do it again and neither does he.  When he turned to me in the car and said, “Satisfied?”  I looked at him and said, “Yes, and now I’ll do whatever I can to satisfy you to make you forget I ever dragged you into this.”  Hence the sex lesson from Slutty Co-worker that I’m having in my office right now.

“Okay, so tell him to lie down on his stomach. Naked of course!  Then, start using the wand on his back and shoulders, working your way down to between his legs.  Don’t worry, he’ll naturally spread them apart when you apply pressure to his inner thighs.”

“Easy so far.  What’s next?”

“Well, you just put the wand right up there and start to wiggle it around!”

“Are you fucking crazy?
  You want me to stick that entire thing up my boyfriends butt?”

Slowly and methodically placing her non-fat latte on the table, my dear old friend tediously looks at me and says, “Yeah, hunny…I want you to shove a vibrator up Leo’s ass.  OF COURSE NOT!  You edge it up to the area between his balls and his asshole!”

Now it’s my turn to methodically put my latte down.  “There’s an entire
area
right there?”

“You’re kidding, right?  How do you not know this?”

Not wanting to rehash all of the reasons why my sex life was so boring for most of my life, I anxiously wave my hands at her to continue.

“Alrighty, I see that we’re gonna have to have a little anatomy and physiology refresher course here.”  Sketching out what looks like a disfigured penis/rectal area, Slutty Co-worker uses her pencil as a pointer and taps at the area in question.  “Some people refer to that space as taint, although it’s more of an abyss to me.  You can really get lost in there!   Sooooo much fun to be had!”

Just realizing I’ve been massively short-changing Leo in the lovemaking department, I anxiously wave her on again.

Getting excited as she sits up, she claps her hands and continues to coach me through sexually violating Leo.  “Okay…no matter how badly he wants to turn over and fuck the shit out of you, don’t let him!  If you want this to be about him, then make it about him and keep on gently wiggling that thing around.  Don’t start getting all selfish.”

“I won’t!  And then what?”

“Only after he begs,
and I mean
…BEGS, let him turn over, but then quickly straddle his upper thighs so he can’t move.  Then grab his dick…”  She leans toward me and whispers, “Tell me though, hunny, what does it look like?”