The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (19 page)

Head swirling with the news, Kurt was finally allowed to return to Craig’s stretcher where he cradled his best friend in his arms and repeated over and over again, “I love you, man.  Please come back.  Please come back.  Please don’t leave Kendall…”  At last, the paramedics painfully told Kurt they had to take Craig away and peeled him off his body.  Without thought, he got into his car and drove straight to me.

Happening

December, 2001

“Chrissy, I have to come home.  You can’t possibly handle all of this on your own.”

Even though I’m on my way to Craig’s house to retrieve Kendall and tell her the horrible news about her daddy, I’m not so messed up to have forgotten how stupid it would be to have Leo anywhere near this scene.   “The gang” is going to be very entwined in the next few weeks and… Kurt’s a member.

“I would love that Leo, but I have to focus on Kendall.  I’m taking her back to my cottage tonight, and it’s best if I’m alone with her.”

Although crushed, my beautiful, heartfelt Leo agrees to go along with whatever I think is best.  Hoping to continue to ride his wave of warmth, I spontaneously decide there’s not going to be a better time to tell him the news, so I pull my car over to the side of the road.

“Leo, I never told you this, but Craig’s parents are very old.”

“I remember he mentioned something about that when we had dinner at his house.”

“And…Kelly’s mom has never been the same after she died.”

“I’m sure this is gonna be incredibly difficult for all of them.  Honestly, I can’t even imagine the grief.”

“That’s not why I’m telling you this.  Leo…you know how I’m Kendall’s Godmother?”

“Yeah.”

“Well…Kurt’s her Godfather.”

“I never wanted to ask, but I suspected as much.  Why are you bringing this--
Oh my God, are you two the legal guardians of Kendall?”

“As far as I know, yes.”

The tone in his voice takes a subtle shift from warm to worried.

“When will you know for sure?”

“First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll call the attorney listed on my last version of their will.  But Leo, you have to know something.”

He doesn’t need to wait for me to tell him, he already knows.

“You want her, don’t you?”

“Try not to spit your coffee out, but I’m the only shot that child has at living a life that’s remotely close to what her parents’ would’ve wanted for her.”

“You don’t think Nicole or Courtney can do it?”

All of a sudden a maternal instinct to protect kicks in that even I didn’t know I possessed.

“Are you insinuating I should even
suggest
it to them?”

“I don’t know…they’re married, they already have kids.”

“Yeah, kids they barely have enough time for because of their jobs!  Kelly would roll over in her grave if Kendall was in daycare for even half the amount of time their kids are!”

“Baby, baby, baby!  I’m not trying to upset you.  I support whatever you decide.  I care for Kendall too, and I’ll do whatever I can to honor her parents and be the best… I guess the best father-figure I can be.  I mean, that’s what we’re talking about, right?”

Hearing him say that makes me wonder for the millionth time in nearly four years, what the hell have I gotten this guy into?  Seriously, if Taddeo thought I had baggage because I was a divorced chick, he’s going to have a field day about this.  Worry about it later, Chrissy!  There’s still more to tell him.

“I don’t think it’s gonna be as easy as that.”

“I don’t think there’s gonna be anything easy about this, especially for her.  But, I want you both to be happy, and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen because I love you.”

“I love you too, Leo, but that’s not why I said this isn’t gonna be easy.”  Here we go…“I’m pretty sure, once he’s had time to deal with everything that’s happened, that Kurt’s gonna want her too.”

It’s quiet for a long time as the two of us process the millions of what-ifs shooting through our heads.  He’s first to break the silence, and he does it like he’s a man on a mission.

“I’ll fly home tonight, and we’ll get married tomorrow.  We’ll prove we can offer her the most stability, and if we have to, we’ll fight him for custody.”

How did I know a fight would be involved?

“Leo, if their will stayed the same, it won’t be that easy.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying we’re gonna have to stay calm and strong for Kendall, no matter what the outcome.  I won’t allow one more minute of chaos into that child’s life.”

“I understand, but are we talking about split custody here?  Chrissy, are you saying he might have to be a part of our lives…
forever?”

“I don’t know what I’m saying.  Right now, I don’t know anything.”

I take that back.  I know the familiar sick feeling brewing in my stomach. It’s telling me I’m losing Leo all over again.

After a frazzled goodbye, I set my phone down and resume my drive to Craig’s house.  On the way, I play sick head games with myself like, if someone told me we could have Craig and Kelly back if I re-married Kurt, would I?  And, to make this news to Kendall easier, would I break up with Leo right now?   And on and on and on. 

I’m the last person to arrive at the house.  Kurt, Guss, and Kyle are standing in the middle of the garage talking, and Courtney and Nicole are sitting on the front porch.  With both hands extended out in front of her, Nicole motions for me to go to them first.  Kurt’s eyes stay worriedly focused on every step I take toward my best friends.

Focusing on Courtney, I see a sight hardly ever seen before.  I bend down to comfort my problem-solving pal.

“Court, talk to me.  Where’s my touchstone?  C’mon, girl, I need you to guide me through this.  Just like you did with Kelly.  Can you do that for me?”

My typically sensible and tireless friend lifts her head up and hopelessly shakes her head.

“Court, it’s gonna be okay.”

Nicole wraps her arms around Courtney, looks up at me and says, “Kendall has no parents, how can you say that?  Actually, hold on….
how is it that you’re the one saying that?”

I can hardly believe it myself.  How is it that, I, the emotional core of the group, am the only one not crying right now?  And then I see the answer peering at me through the curtains.  The same curtains her mother peered through and gave me a shaky thumbs up just a year ago.

As I motion to Kendall with my finger that I’ll be inside in a minute, I whisper to my friends, “She needs me to be strong.”

I’ve lost my shit over a missing tube of mascara before.  I’ve called in sick to work because I had a zit.  I literally lost twenty pounds in two months from being such an emotional wreck when I met Leo.  I’ve balled my brains out over stuff that in the grand scheme of things didn’t matter.  I could melt down because deep inside, I knew life wasn’t going to end over stupid shit.  But life will end--well the chance at the happy one Kendall deserves anyway--if I lose my shit right now. I feel Kelly’s strength weighing heavy on my heart
, and my tear ducts
, and I feel the force of her thumbs up.  She’s giving me what I need to take control of this situation and do what’s best for her daughter.  I just know it.

Stepping away from my best friends I walk to the garage. I give Guss and Kyle quiet hugs and then speak directly to Kurt who still hasn’t taken his eyes off me.

“Do her grandparents know I’m gonna tell her?”

“Yeah.  Kelly’s mom is at the funeral home and Craig’s parents are at their own house.  They’re a mess and don’t want to scare her.”

“Does she have any idea what’s going on?”

“I don’t think so.  I brought a bunch of toys over, hoping to keep her preoccupied until you got here.  She’s been so busy with them she hasn’t even noticed Craig’s not here.”

Courtney and Nicole slowly walk up and are now in the garage with the rest of the gang, and all eyes are on me.  This is really happening.  I’m really about to tell a four-year-old little girl, who lost her mother to cancer just ten months ago, that her father is dead.

Please Don’t Make Me Do This

December, 2001

Up until the minute Kelly got too sick and tired to tend to her daughter, she’d always been a hands-on mom.  Of course Kendall was in daycare until two-fifteen because Kelly worked, but after that, every day of Kendall’s life was filled with a craft, or a trip to the park or story time on her mommy’s lap.  The weekends were filled with trips to the zoo, Mommy and Me gymnastics classes and good old-fashioned family time in the evening with Craig.  But, Kelly’s energy ran out in the last two months of her life and the fun came to a screeching halt…she also became pretty scary to look at.  After Kelly shaved her head due to hair loss from chemo, she did her best to keep her wig on to hide the look from Kendall, but slipped up on one occasion.  And that occasion freaked Kendall out-- big time.  One night, after a bad dream, Kendall tippy-toed into her parents room for some comfort, but got the opposite when her startled mother sat up in bed and revealed her bald head.  Despite Kelly’s effort to calm her, Kendall cried, “Make it go back, Mommy!  Make it go back!”  According to Craig, that’s when Kelly started wanting to die.  She was frightening her child who, up until that time, she’d done everything in the world to protect from terrifying things.  That’s when she decided to move Kendall out of the house and in with her grandparents.  The only night Kendall came home in those last two months of her Mommy’s life was a few days before Kelly went into the hospital where she died and that’s only because the grandparents got the flu and couldn’t look after her.  She came home the night Kelly begged Craig to take a bath with her, but he didn’t.  He was too busy doing everything he could to keep Kendall away from Kelly.  It wasn’t what he wanted, but it’s what Kelly made him promise he would do.

After Kelly died, I asked Craig why he didn’t ask for my help instead of relying on his ancient parents.  He said, “Kelly didn’t want our problems to become yours.  She thought you had enough on your plate.”  It always bothered me that Kelly thought I had so much going on in my stupid love life that she didn’t ask for my help when she needed it the most.  It’s why I jumped at the chance to help Craig care for Kendall by picking her up at daycare three days a week. It’s why I’ll fight anyone, legal or otherwise, who gets in my way of raising Kendall now that her father is dead too.

Tippy toeing into the house, I find Kendall playing with one of the new dolls Kurt brought over to keep her occupied while the gang figured out their next moves.

“Ki-Ki!”

“Hi sweetheart!  Come over here and give me a big kiss.  Remember…just like the fancy ladies do it!”

Kendall scrambles to her feet, runs over, and plants a wet one on my right cheek, then my left, and for our own personal touch, a big one right on the kisser.

“That’s the way I like it!  Whatcha’ doing over there?”

“Ku-Ku bought me dis fun stuff.  Can you pway wit me?”

“I have a better idea!  How about we pack it all up in a suitcase with your favorite pajamas and we have a sleepover at the cottage!”

Jumping up and down, she can barely contain herself.  “Yay, yay, yay!  Can Weo come too so we can hunt for snipes?”

“Well poop, he’s still in New York.  But, we can call him!  How’s that sound?”

Definitely not as happy as she was two seconds ago, Kendall says “Allllllright,” grabs her bright pink Barbie suitcase and starts packing.  The gang is gone by the time I get Kendall outside.  I made them promise to leave because if I saw them it would only make what I have to do that much more difficult.  I need to be focused, not have their concerned faces staring at me as I load up my Goddaughter.

“Wait, Ki-Ki!  I forgot to tell my Daddy about the sleepover!”

“You know what, sweetheart?  Daddy knows.”

“
He does?
  Can I say bye-bye?”

I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  I can’t do this.  STOP IT, CHRISSY!  You don’t have the option to back out.  Look at her.  Who else is going to tell her the news?  Her crypt keeper grandparents?  Kelly’s mom who’s probably seven pills deep on Prozac and on the verge of a mental breakdown?  The gang?  A stranger?  No!  You’re the only one she’ll feel comfortable clinging to.  Looking back toward the curtains in the living room, I can visualize Kelly giving me a shaky thumbs up, and I can hear her saying, “It has to be you, so get your shit together!”

“Da…” Clearing my throat, “Daddy told me to tell you bye-bye.  He had to go see someone.”

“Who?”

“Ohhhhh, someone
very
special.”

“Who?”

“How about if I tell you over hamburgers and French fries at the cottage?  We can snuggle up in warm blankets and have a picnic on the deck and throw rocks into the creek.”

“And hunt for snipes?”

“Yes, sweetie, and hunt for snipes.”

I didn't think I wanted you

But I want you now

I want to rescue, want to scream out loud

You will always be mine

(Ballerina, Leona Naess)

I’m Doing This

December, 2001

“You sure do love your French fries, don’t you?”

Kendall is covered in ketchup.  While I’m wiping her face, I turn away to wipe my own.  The tears just keep building up and I can’t stop them.  I close my eyes and say my usual prayer.  Dear Lord Jesus, who I should probably start believing in, please make this as painless as possible for this little girl.  She doesn’t deserve to hear what I’m about to tell her.  Deep inhale.  Eyes now open.  It’s time.  Grasping my Goddaughter’s ketchup stained fingers, I stare lovingly into her big blue eyes.

“Kendall, remember when I told you Daddy went to visit someone super special?”