The Unexpected List (The List Trilogy) (33 page)

“You don’t
think
so?”

“I was
that
drunk.”

“Oh, Lord.  Well, what did he have to say about it?”

“Nothing.”

“He didn’t say one way or the other if it happened?”

Thinking really hard back to my conversation with him the morning after, “No actually.  He didn’t.”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Maybe he knows the truth will destroy me.”

“Interesting.  So, you actually think he’s trying to protect you?”

Staring out the window at the sun setting over the beautiful rolling hills of Danville, I whisper, “I’m afraid so.”  But what I leave out is just how afraid.

Five Minutes

September, 2002

“So what you’re saying is she didn’t tell you a damn thing.”

“She didn’t have to.  I already know what I have to do.”

Throwing an airline ticket on the table, Slutty Co-worker says, “Me too.”

“Well, we’re obviously on totally different wave lengths because I was talking about sending my engagement ring back.”  Looking at my bighearted friend like she’s out of her ever-lovin’ mind, I bark, “You
actually
want me to go to New York…so he can kick my ass?”

“No.  So you can talk to him…work this out.”

“I told you what Taddeo said!  I can’t just show up!”

“
Why not?
  Isn’t that what you did all of those other times, like at the Lafayette Reservoir, The Red Devil Lounge, The Round-Up, P.J. Clark’s?”

“Well, yeah, but--”

“But schmut!  Hunny, if there’s anything you’ve taught me, it’s to NEVER give up.  YOU’RE GOING!”

“But, Kendall…”

“Don’t give me that as an excuse!  It’s Friday and Kurt will have her for the next two days. Megan’s picking her up from pre-school and she’s meeting Kurt at some stupid park.  She said they have that Nepal crap to talk about anyway.  Not sure what it is with that girl, but she’s got a charity bug up her ass that I can’t dig out!”

Not taking no for an answer, she rushes me out the door.  Within minutes I find myself worriedly driving home to pack, praying Slutty convinced me to do the right thing.  All I want to do is see him.  I feel like if I can just do that I’d be able to convince him of my innocence. 
An innocence I have to believe exists
.  But Taddeo’s words weigh heavy on me and I don’t doubt the gravity of them for one second.

“Let him go.”  “He doesn’t trust you.”  “It’s over.”

And the way he said everything…it’s like he felt sorry for me because he knew, this time, it really is over.  Once I’m back at my cottage, I walk directly out to the deck and stare at the creek below, continuing to weigh my options, finally accepting the one that hurts the most.  I have to set Leo free so he can pursue his own life list. My baggage has and always will be in the way of fulfilling his dreams.

Just like two years ago when I didn’t have to tell Kelly if I went to New York to get Leo back, I don’t have to tell Slutty Co-worker if I go now.  I can go back to doing what I do best…lie.  But, I wonder…Just like two years ago, how will I ever rid myself of the desire I have for Leo if I don’t hear it from him, in person, that he’s done with me?

After splashing cold water on my face, I reach over and grab the towel that he left behind after 9/11.  All this time, it’s functioned as some sort of stupid tribute to his return.  I’d look at it every so often and laugh about making him wash it when we finally lived together again or playfully slapping him on the ass with it.  But ever since he hung up on me at Kurt’s house, it’s only functioned as a sad reminder of what I’ll never have and I’m sick of looking at it.  I yank it off of the towel bar, stomp to the hamper and attempt to throw it in but it gets caught on my ring. As much as I shake it to untangle it, it just keeps dangling.  In a fit of anger, I drop to the edge of the hamper and demand answers.

“KELLY?  GRANDPA?  CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I’M SUPPOSSED TO DO?”

After a few maddening minutes of silence, I tear the towel off of my ring, throw it in the hamper and trudge to the kitchen.

“WHAT NOW?”

Hitting the answering machine so it’ll stop blinking at me, I hear the solution I was just praying for.

“Hi Chrissy, it’s Dr. Maria.  I forgot to remind you of something else I told you last December…Remember to always follow your heart.  It’ll take you where you need to go.”

Without hesitation, I run to the closet and grab my carry-on bag and then to the hamper to retrieve the crunchy old towel and put it back in the bathroom.  Hopeful it’ll still get the washing I wish for
and
a few ass smacks.

With no time to spare, since I only have until five o’clock Sunday night, I rush to the airport just in time for the red eye that Slutty Co-worker booked me on.  Then, praying the entire flight that this trip turns out differently than my last trip to New York when I hunted down Leo, you know…when he left me hanging on the dark and snowy streets of Manhattan, I land at six in the morning without a plan…just like last time.  So far…NOT so good.

With nothing to lose, I hop in a taxi and head to the W hotel where I book a room for one night.  I shower, change, and for the first time ever, do very little to impress Leo with my looks. 
This trip is all about what’s on the inside.
  Two hours later, with every ounce of courage I can muster up, I hop back in a taxi and give the driver Leo’s address.

Because time is so critical, I don’t dilly-dally when I arrive at the apartment like I did nearly two years ago outside of P.J. Clark’s.  I don’t check my ass or my make-up in a window.   I don’t flip coins, and I don’t pace back and forth weighing my options.  I exit the cab and promptly push the buzzer to his apartment as casually as if I’m the pizza delivery guy. 
This trip is all about time management.
  Magically, the front door of the building pops open without any security screening, and I slip inside unnoticed.  I enter the elevator and like the addict I am, start to shake when I push the button that I know Leo’s finger has pushed a thousand times before.  On my way up, my mind gets the best of me and I start to consider the worst.  What if, in an attempt to make Leo feel better, Taddeo has some girls over?  I mean, thinking back to the Red Devil Lounge…he’s been known to do it before.  All of a sudden I begin to hit the buttons to make the elevator stop, but it’s as if Kelly or my Grandpa are in control because the damn thing ignores me and goes straight to the top.  Staring up at the Heavens, I whisper, “You guys better know what the hell you’re doing.”  The elevator opens, and I cautiously peer into the quiet corridor.  The door to Leo’s apartment is propped open and now I know why I was buzzed in so easily.  It looks like whoever’s in there really was expecting a delivery.

Listening intently, I quickly surmise that there are no girls inside the apartment, only the sound of a baseball game. I gingerly push the door open a little wider and poke my head inside.  He’s in there…somewhere.  My Leo drug percolates inside of me.  I slowly enter the apartment.  His trench coat is strewn over the console table, and my hand gently slides across it as my eyes dart around trying to soak up the place that he’s called home for all of these months. Turning the corner of the entry way, I poke my head in the direction of the sound and find my love sitting on a leather couch, dully staring at the TV.  My God, he’s so beautiful.  His broad back, his strong shoulders…the little specks of grey that are already peppering his dark black hair.  He must’ve been working tirelessly on T.L. Capital. I’m completely lost in a daze as I study the intensely driven man who was supposed to become my husband…tomorrow.  Everything is so calm, and it almost feels like I can fix the damage I’ve done, until…

“WHAT THE FUCK?”

My heart literally jumps out of my body and I spin around to confront Taddeo’s loud and angry voice.  I’m completely speechless.  I still hadn’t figured out what to say. 
This trip is all about heart
.  My heart that I have to pick up off of the ground.

“Jesus Christ, woman, what part of let him go didn’t you understand?”

Ignoring the big bastard, I turn to face Leo who’s now on his feet and glaring at me.

“I had to see you.”

From behind me, Taddeo boasts, “I told you he doesn’t have anything to say to you!”

Ignoring him, I appeal to Leo, “I have a lot I need to say to you. 
Please
?”

“No way, man!  Do not let her do this anymore!”

By the look on Leo’s face there’s no doubt in my mind he’s done and even though I have no idea what to say to convince him otherwise, I continue to beg,
“Please…you have to let me explain.”

“Aw, fuck this shit!  You’ll explain, he’ll take you back, and then you’ll screw up again.  Seriously, dude!  Don’t fall for this crap!”

Spinning back toward Taddeo, “I don’t get you!  You sounded like you actually cared when you called me!  Why are you being like this?”

“I told him to be nice.”

Finally, his voice. I turn in its direction and plead once again, “Leo, please just let me talk to you.”

After a few tortuous seconds, he nods at Taddeo to disappear.  The pissed off Italian grudgingly grabs his coat and says he’s going to watch the game at the bar down the street.  As he storms out, he calls his best friend a stupid ass.

Leo sits back down on the couch, facing away from me.

“I’m only giving this relationship five more minutes, so you should probably start talking.”

His voice is filled with the same hate he delivered to me on the night of his college graduation.  The same hate I’d seen him give to others who had wronged him in the past.  Unlike many of those others, I was lucky enough to get a second chance with him, because of dead people or whatever miraculous change of heart he experienced that caused him to take another stab at love with me, but what I’m detecting in him now tells me there will be no more chances.

“I never should’ve put myself in that situation at Kurt’s house, and I’m sorry.”

Silence.

“It was my birthday, and he felt bad that I was alone, so he offered me a drink.  I accepted too many and it interfered with my judgment.”

Silence.

“I dunno…I guess I thought it would be nice for Kendall to see us get along…for her to have some kind of a family night.  I know it’s stupid and I know it could’ve waited until you got back, but--”

“Was it nice for Kendall to see you naked in his bed?”

“Leo, I wasn’t naked!  You have to believe me, nothing happened!”

Hey, if I don’t know for sure that anything happened then…NOTHING HAPPENED!

Standing to face me, he says what I already fear to be true, “He wanted something to happen.”

Now I’m silent.

“He wants two things: to get you back and to get back at me, and it looks like he’s succeeding.”

“No!  He doesn’t have me back!  I’ll never talk to him ever again if that’s what it’ll take for you to forgive me!”

Laughing in my face, “How are you
not
gonna talk to him ever again, Chrissy?  You’re basically raising a kid together!”

“No! 
We’re
supposed to raise Kendall together. You and me!”

“GIVE ME A BREAK!  IT WOULD’VE BEEN YOU, ME AND HIM AND YOU KNOW IT!”  After calming down, he continues, “It’s a good thing this happened before I moved back because you know what?  I’m not
that
guy, Chrissy. I’m not someone who can share the scene with your ex-husband.  Even though I knew it wasn’t in me, I tried to dig deep and deal with it because we were already engaged and I
really
like Kendall.  But, this break up was unavoidable once I moved back to the Bay Area and we both know it.”

“That’s not true, we-”

“IT IS TRUE!  Maybe you didn’t have sex with him this time, but you used to and every time I see his face or hear his name I imagine it and it drives me crazy.  I can’t be with you when he’s in the picture and now that you have Kendall he’ll
ALWAYS
be in the picture.”

 “I won’t accept this, Leo!  There has to be something I can do!” 

Confirming that there will be no more chances at love with him; he looks right through me and coldly says, “There’s nothing.”

He follows my eyes to the clock on the table and recognizes at the same moment as me that I’ve used up my five minutes.

Refusing to accept everything he’s telling me and rejecting the inevitable, I shake my head, “I don’t think I can do this.  I can’t walk out of here and never see you again.”

“It’s why you shouldn’t have come.”

To the extent that I was praying for it not to be true,
this trip is all about closure
.

If roses are meant to be red

And violets to be blue

Why isn't my heart meant for you.

My hands are longing to touch you

But I can barely breathe

Starry eyes that make me melt

Right in front of me

Lost in this world

I even get lost in this song

And when the lights go down

That is where I'll be found

(Lost, Anouk)

Tainted Love

September, 2002

As much as I don’t want to admit it to myself, Leo’s right.  It will always be me, him
and
Kurt raising Kendall, and given the way Leo and I are wired to love, it will never work. If the truly, madly, deeply tables were turned, I’d have to make the same choice as he did and end the relationship.

I shift my gaze from the clock back to Leo and slowly nod my head in defeat.  He shakes his in disbelief.  Realizing the enormity of a face-to-face goodbye, he suddenly puts his anger aside and speaks to me with his eyes.  They’re saying, “We could’ve avoided this pain had you just stayed away.”  As much as I know his eyes are right and that I should leave, I
cannot
willingly quit my drug.