The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (20 page)

Bringing energy down to your feet and toes

SOLE

fearful about the power of our sexuality. The Tao does not believe in controlling this powerful energy through shame or denial. Rather, it believes we must understand its power and learn to cultivate it for our good and the good of others.

As you learn to expand your sexual energy, make sure that you read chapters 5, 6, and 7, which will show you how to cultivate this energy and how to keep your sex life filled with healing, love, and compassion. In particular, do not forget to practice Exercise 24:
Recycling Our Negative Emotions, p. 163
, and Exercise 27:
The Compassion Cycle, p. 174
.

For Taoists, however, the physical is always primary. So, first, we must begin with our bodies and their extraordinary potential for pleasure. Now that you have begun to explore how you can each multiply and expand your own individual orgasms, we will discuss how you can share this orgasmic pleasure and harmonize your desire with that of your partner.

Duo:

Sharing Passion, Healing, and Intimacy with Your Partner

In this chapter you will discover:

• How to Harmonize Male and Female Desire and Satisfy Each Other Fully
  

• The Art of Fingering and the Art of Stroking
  

• The G Spot and Other Vaginal Spots
  

• The Art of Cunnilingus and the Art of Fellatio
  

• The Art of Taoist Thrusting
  

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You do not need to become the best lover in the world, just the best lover of your own partner.

The Taoists compared male sexuality to
fi
re and female sexuality to water.

In this chapter you will learn how to pleasure each other and how to harmonize your desire for more profound and satisfying lovemaking. The Taoists understood the fundamental differences that often exist between male and female sexuality. They also recognized that harmony in the bedroom and happiness in relationships were dependent on each partner knowing the needs of the other. The Taoist doctors were early sexologists, and they observed every aspect of male and female sexuality to discover their secrets and their satisfactions.

Before we discuss some of the differences that often exist between male and female sexuality, we want to emphasize that every person’s desire is unique. The generalities that follow about desire will need to be qualified by your and your partner’s actual experiences. Remember, you do not need to become the best lover in the world, just the best lover of your own partner. Let your partner’s desire and pleasure guide you.

Fire and Water

The Taoists compared male sexuality to fire and female sexuality to water. While male sexuality is easily ignited (men get aroused easily), it is also eas-ily extinguished (men ejaculate quickly). Female sexuality, although slower to bring to a boil (women take longer to get aroused), is the stronger and more long lasting of the two (women don’t end with ejaculation and are slower to cool down).

The Taoists knew that these differences in male and female sexuality are the cause of much discontent in the bedroom, and they sought to harmonize male and female sexuality. By teaching men how to bring women’s desire to a rapid boil before and during intercourse, they knew that there was a much greater likelihood that men and women would crescendo together. By teaching men to delay ejaculation and have multiple orgasms like women, they knew that men and women could ride many peaks of pleasure together for the most satisfying and healing lovemaking.

Men Are from Yang, Women Are from Yin

Before you can understand how to harmonize male and female sexuality, you need to understand why men and women often have such different sex-ual needs. According to the Tao, men are primarily
yang,
which means that they have mostly yang, or masculine energy. This energy is one of the two primordial forces of the universe and has many associated qualities, one of them

being quickness to action, or, in this case, arousal. Women are primarily
yin,
which means that they have mostly yin, or feminine energy. This energy is the other primordial force of the universe and has many associated qualities, one of them being slowness to action, or, in this case, arousal.

In the words of Taoist master Wu Hsien from two thousand years ago:

Male belongs to Yang.

Yang’s uniqueness is that he gets aroused quickly. But he quickly retreats.

Female belongs to Yin.

Yin’s uniqueness is that she is slower to be aroused, But she is also slow to retreat.

Yin and yang, for Taoists, are the two complementary and cyclical forces in the universe that create everything. Positive and negative in charge, they are both essential and mutually interdependent. Each person has both masculine and feminine energy, and yin and yang can actually change into each other. This may explain the complexity and variability of our individual desire.

It is important to remember that there are some women who are more yang than yin, whom we will call “yangful women,” and there are some men who have more yin than yang, whom we will call “yinful men.” In addition, our work, our diet, and our life as a whole affect our energetic balance. In this discussion, we necessarily need to make generalizations, but you should adapt them to your and your partner’s own sexuality.

If you are a yangful woman, you may find your experience is more equivalent to that of most men. If you are a yinful man, you may find your experience is more equivalent to that of most women. While for convenience we divide into two broad categories, our sexuality and sexual energy really lie on a spectrum.

While individually unique, men tend to have far more yang energy and women tend to have far more yin. As gender roles have changed over the past fifty years, this has changed somewhat, but the energetic differences in yin and yang remain, just as there remain fundamental hormonal differences between men and women. Indeed, hormonal research over the past ten years seems to echo this several-thousand-year-old Taoist understanding.
1

Each person has both masculine and feminine energy, and yin and yang can actually change into each other.

According to the Tao, yin and yang are the two complementary forces in the universe that represent feminine and masculine energies.

Yin moves downward
—
like water
—
trickling through a woman
’
s body from her head to her heart and
fi
nally to her genitals.

Yang moves up
—
like
fi
re
—
from a man
’
s genitals to his heart and head.

Arousal: Boiling Water and Igniting a Flame

Understanding how yin and yang work in our body can also explain the different ways that men and women get aroused. As acupuncturist Felice Dunas, Ph.D., points out in her excellent book,
Passion Play,
yin moves downward—like water—trickling through a woman’s body from her head to her heart and finally to her genitals. This, she explains, is why most women need to have their head and heart opened before they can open up sexually. This slow movement of energy down her body is also why a woman tends to need more foreplay and time spent caressing and coaxing her energy away from distracting thoughts and emotions and into her genitals.

Yang, on the other hand, moves up—like fire—from a man’s genitals to his heart and head. This is why men get aroused much more quickly than women and tend to need much less foreplay. As a result, most men can be aroused by direct genital approach. For them, this
is
foreplay.

We tend to say that men are much more “genitally focused,” which is

based on the fact that their sexual energy begins in their genitals. As it rises and spreads throughout their body through lovemaking, they are much more able to connect with their heart and receive their partner’s love. When a man ejaculates quickly, however, all of his sexual energy spills out without rising up through his body. The sexual energy never reaches his heart, and the sex never really becomes “lovemaking” for him. As a man learns to have a whole-body orgasm and to circulate his energy, it rises up to his heart and brain, allowing him to expand his love for his partner. This is the real secret of mak-ing
love
for men.

This difference in arousal has caused countless generations of misunderstanding and sexual disharmony in the bedroom. We can regret it and resent it, but understanding it is the surest way to mutual satisfaction.

In the following section, we will describe several secrets for harmonizing desire between men and women. Keep in mind that if your sexual lives are already in harmony, you may not need all the following suggestions. Certainly, you will not need to follow every step each time.

Harmonizing Your Desires

The first part of harmonizing your desires is being aware of the differences between you, whatever they may be. In general, men will need to control their flame to stay with their partner while heating up their partner’s waters

through skillful sexual foreplay. Women can help most by sparking their own desire. The Taoists recommended couples focus first on arousing the woman and bringing her desire to a rapid boil. However, arousal (for both partners) begins long before you reach the bedroom.

PREHEAT YOUR PARTNER

Just like an oven, which gets hotter when preheated, so our desire should also be turned on in advance. Igniting the thought of lovemaking before falling into bed will ensure that you fall into each other’s arms instead of falling asleep. Calling each other during the day and sharing your desire for each other that night works wonders for getting the sensual imagination working. Tantalizing each other during the evening with loving words and caresses can get the flame of passion burning bright by the time you go to bed.

While this is valuable for both partners, it is essential for many women. There is an old cliché that women want romance and men want sex. Both men and women want sex; women often just need more romance to awaken their sexual energy and bring it down into their genitals. While men also need to have their passion ignited, their firelike sexual energy is a pilot light that generally responds more quickly. According to the Tao, there is no judgment in these differences. The Tao seeks to understand life, not to judge it.

PREPARING THE SACRED CHAMBER

Having sex in various rooms of the house or in unusual places is fun and can add spontaneity and variety to your sex life. The Taoists were great fans of making love outside, close to the natural world that they revered and tried to emulate. Most sex, however, happens in the bedroom, so it is important to make sure that you have a sex-friendly bedroom.

Our body is deeply affected by the sights, sounds, and smells that surround it. When we create a space that looks and feels safe and sensual, our body is unconsciously prepared for lovemaking. There is an old joke that women need a reason; men just need a place. The place, the suggestion is, could be anywhere. But both women’s and men’s bodies are influenced by the place that they are in and respond to familiar romantic rituals.