The Multi-Orgasmic Couple: Sexual Secrets Every Couple Should Know (22 page)

While the suggestions below are based on ancient observation and mod-ern study, they are of course just generalizations. You and your partner will have your own ways to please each other and your own preferences for how you like to be pleased. We recommend that you read these sections together and discuss your own unique sensitivities and desires.

Energetic and sensual touch is featherlight and simply grazes over the surface of your partner’s skin, awakening the nerve endings and drawing energy to the area.

In addition, every sexual encounter will be different. In a midday quickie, you may both be genitally focused, while a leisurely weekend evening may afford you the time to explore every inch of each other’s erotic landscape. It is always best to have a few favorite songs memorized but to improvise like good jazz musicians.

Let’s take it from the top, with a few pleasures not to be missed.

LIPS AND TONGUES

Most people begin instinctively with kissing, as they harmonize their desire and share their breath with their partner. Lips and tongues can offer almost endless pleasure as partners fuse their mouths together.

According to the Taoists, the lips and tongue are one of the main channels for exchanging energy, so they strongly recommended extended kissing and “French” kissing (which they discovered independently of the French). When you touch lips and tongues, send your partner your energy and drink in your partner’s energy.

For the Taoists, saliva was considered a supreme elixir, a life-giving cock-tail, but remember that both partners should agree on how much spit to swap. Many men like it wetter than many women. You can always ask your partner to kiss you as he or she likes to be kissed.

SCALP

The scalp is the crown of the body and also its energetic peak. You can help stimulate the top of your partner’s head and draw energy here by scratch-ing your partner’s scalp as you would an itch or a kitty cat. From here you can start drawing the energy down the front channel of your partner’s body by stroking or kissing down the front of his or her body.

EARS

According to Chinese medicine, the ears are filled with acupuncture points and are extremely sensitive to touch, tongues, and even breath.

SPINE

The spine is extremely sensitive along the neck and down to the tailbone. As we discussed earlier, the spine is a major channel for conducting energy from the genitals up to the brain, and, as you embrace, it will help your partner if you lightly stroke up the spine to help them draw the energy up.

HANDS AND FEET

Our hands and feet are some of our most sensitive and sexually exciting parts of our body. The size and shape of fingers and toes make them perfect for licking and sucking in ways that can drive your partner into gyrations of pleasure. Kissing and licking the palm of your partner’s hand and wrist can be especially tantalizing.

ARMS AND LEGS

Arms and legs respond well to featherweight touching, and the inner thighs are especially responsive to sexual touch and licking as you move to your partner’s genitals.

According to the Taoists, the lips and tongue are one of the main channels for exchanging energy.

In general, the more aroused a woman becomes, the harder the stimulation she will
fi
nd pleasurable, which is one reason that women often
fi
nd they enjoy more intense nipple stimulation later during prolonged foreplay or intercourse.

BREASTS, HERS AND HIS

Spiraling around the breast in increasingly smaller circles draws the energy to the nipple. Rubbing your thumb and finger together prior to touching your partner’s nipples generates chi that can increase your partner’s stimulation. Eventually, touch your partner’s nipples between your thumbs and fingers and lightly roll the nipples between them. (You may wish to start with one at a time.)

While the nipples are certainly the most sensitive part of a woman’s breast, most women enjoy having their entire breasts touched and massaged before their partner zeros in on their nipples.

Women differ greatly in the amount of stimulation they like and how hard they like their breasts to be fondled and their nipples squeezed. In general, the more aroused a woman becomes, the harder the stimulation she will find pleasurable, which is one reason that women often find they enjoy more intense nipple stimulation later during prolonged foreplay or intercourse.

Men’s breasts and nipples are far less prominent and generally much less sensitive than women’s. This has led to the mistaken belief that men’s nipples are not sensitive. Many men find that their nipples are very sensitive and even get erect, while others need regular stimulation to awaken these nerve endings. Finally, some men never warm to nipple stimulation or would just pre-fer their partner move on to more sensitive spots.

As we mentioned above, the tongue is an extraordinary conduit of chi, and there is no better way to arouse your partner’s nipples than with your tongue. There is a triangle of arousal between nipples (for women and men) and genitals. Stimulating a woman’s (or man’s) nipples will often stimulate the genitals at the same time or at least start an itch below that demands to be

scratched.

GENITALS, HERS

A woman’s clitoris has the greatest concentration of nerve endings in the body, and it is because of this intense sensitivity that it must be touched with real care and real understanding. As with the nipples, the more engorged the clitoris is, the more intense stimulation will be enjoyable. Circling around the clitoris, as with the nipples, will draw energy to it and help prepare a woman’s clitoris for direct stimulation. This circling is essential for stoking her fire and bringing her desire to a boil.

A man should generally begin by stroking or spiraling on the less sensitive base and sides of the clitoris. He can also roll the clitoris through the lips of the vagina. Then try gently stroking or spiraling on the hood before touching

the extremely sensitive glans itself. For some women direct stimulation of the glans is always too intense, so a man needs to follow his partner’s lead here (moans, pants, sweat, smiles, or verbal cues).

Clitoral stimulation is essential for most women to experience orgasm. Many women take longer to orgasm through intercourse because their clitoris is not being directly stimulated. Imagine a man trying to orgasm while just stroking the base of his penis or his testicles but not stimulating the head of his penis! If this were the case, many books might be written about the difficulty men have in reaching orgasm.

Repeatedly women have been shown to orgasm just as fast as men during self-pleasuring (and while stimulating their clitoris). The mistake that many couples make is assuming that a woman should not touch herself during sex or that the clitoris does not need to be stimulated during intercourse.

A man can learn a great deal about how a woman likes to have her clitoris stimulated if she is willing to show him. She can begin by touching herself

Clitoral stimulation is essential for most women to experience orgasm. Many women take longer to orgasm through intercourse because their clitoris is not being directly stimulated.

Rolling the clitoris between the lips of the vagina

and letting her partner rest his fingertips over hers and feel the place and pressure that she enjoys. Alternatively, she can rest her fingers on her partner’s as she directs him to the place and pressure she wants. During intercourse, he (or she) can touch her clitoris and intensify her arousal and stimulation. Once couples learn this way of enhancing stimulation during intercourse, they will never have to worry about the woman’s satisfaction or whether it was “good for her.”

PLEASURING OURSELVES WHILE WITH OUR PARTNER

Many people feel ashamed of touching themselves in private let alone with their partner. They have been told that self-pleasuring is sinful or shameful, and the idea of touching themselves in front of their lover may sound shocking or embarrassing. It is difficult to transcend what is often years of social conditioning about masturbation. If you feel ashamed, the first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. The second thing you need to know is that shame about self-pleasuring is not natural. The puri-tanical view of sexuality is only one view of human sexuality. For Taoists, who see sexuality as an essential part of human health, masturbation is called solo cultivation and genital exercise. This exercise is seen as an essential part of cultivating our sexual and overall health.

Masturbation, or self-pleasuring, is also not something that is only for teenagers or singles. The American Medical Association in a book entitled
Human Sexuality
explained that masturbation is common among men and women of all ages, and women actually tend to masturbate more as they get older. One estimate suggests that 70 percent of all married men and women pleasure themselves.
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Many people feel that if their partner masturbates it somehow is a criticism of them or their desirability. Self-pleasuring does not take the place of partnered sex; rather, it can be a valuable complement. A sex study conducted by the University of Chicago found that people who are having sex regularly with a partner actually pleasure themselves more than people who are not.
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Even those who feel comfortable touching themselves in private often are reluctant to touch themselves in front of their partner. Often we feel vulnerable when we touch ourselves in front of our partner and show our desire. While this can be very frightening, true intimacy (sexual or any other) depends on vulnerability. If you can encourage and support each other to be vulnerable and reveal your desire in the bedroom, you are much more likely to show your vulnerability and open your hearts to each other in the rest of your relationship.

Guiding your partner’s hand to his or her own genitals during intercourse is one way to encourage them to reveal their desire. But don’t push before they’re ready if they resist. We cannot be forced to be vulnerable. Creating a loving, supporting, and intimate sexual and emotional relationship is the best way to help each other open up in the bedroom.