The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (58 page)

Tickle his balls.

How do you stop a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

A dog walks into a butcher’s shop with a £10 note in his mouth and a note reading “10 lamb chops, please”. Amazed, the butcher takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth. He decides to follow the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the bus timetable and sits patiently in the bus shelter. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, unable to believe his eyes.

As the bus travels out of town, the dog looks though the window, casually taking in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the porch. He then starts to scratch furiously at the front door. He does this again and again, but there is no answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

Eventually a huge man opens it and starts cursing and kicking the dog. Oblivious to the dog’s pitiful yelps and whines, he pummels the mutt into a bloodied pulp.

The butcher runs up and screams at the dog owner: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner says, “Genius my arse, this is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Why do dogs lick their balls?

Because they can’t make a fst.

What do you call a dog that hears voices?

A shitzu-phrenic.

What did you say to a mongol dog?

“Down, Syndrome!”

What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?

Your last blow job.

Four men were bragging about how clever their dogs were. One was a building engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist and the fourth was an IT engineer.

The building engineer called to his dog. “T-square, do your stuff!”

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that was pretty clever, just like his clever owner.

The accountant, however, was not to be outdone. He called to his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff!” Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a packet of biscuits. He divided them into four equal piles of three biscuits each. Everyone agreed that that was very clever, just like his owner.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff!” Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a pint of milk, took a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly ten ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive, just like his owner.

Then the three men turned to the IT engineer and said, “What can your dog do?” The IT engineer called to his dog and said, “Keyboard, do your stuff!”

Keyboard jumped to his feet, ate the biscuits, drank the milk, dumped on the foor, shagged the other three dogs and wrote out an invoice for £750.

My dog jumped in the washing machine yesterday. Don’t worry; at least he died in Comfort.

What’s got four legs and goes “Miaow”?

A frozen dog on a bench saw.

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

A vicar was walking though the park, when he saw a little blonde-haired blue-eyed little girl playing with her dog. “Hello, little girl,” he said. “What’s your name?’’