The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (61 page)

“Is this the Golden Saloon?” he asks.

“Yes, it is,” a woman answers.

“Do you have huge golden doors?”

“We certainly do.”

“Do you have golden floors?”

“Most certainly do.”

“What about golden toilets?”

There’s a long pause, then he hears the woman shouting, “Eric, I think I got a lead on the guy who shat in your saxophone!”

There is nothing uglier than a drunken woman. Apart from Andrew Lloyd Webber.

A drunk gets on a bus one day, dishevelled and stinking of alcohol and stale urine. He sits down next to a priest, opens his newspaper and starts reading. A couple of minutes later, he asks the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?”

“My friend, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replies.

“Imagine that,” the drunk mutters. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turns to the man and apologizes. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

“I don’t have arthritis, Father. But I just read in the paper that the Pope does.”

I made that classic mistake last night that all guys make. I got really drunk and I ended up having sex with my best friend. Now I can’t even bring myself to talk to him. To be honest, I can’t even bring myself to play fetch with him.

I really need to stop drinking. If my liver becomes any more black and bloated, it’s going end up getting adopted by Madonna.

A policeman is walking down the high street one night when he finds a totally inebriated man collapsed against a building with his car keys in his hands. The officer approaches and asks: “Excuse me sir, what are planning to do with those car keys?”

The drunk looks at his keys and says: “Shit! My car, it was right on the end of my key. Some bastard stole my car!”

“Okay,” says the copper. “I also have to inform you that your penis is hanging out.”

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams, “Oh my God, they took my girlfriend as well!”

You should never use alcohol as a substitute for a woman. Last time I did that, I got my cock stuck in the neck of the bottle.

A car in central London was weaving all over the road one night. A patrol car spotted him and pulled him over. The officer approached the car and said, “Sir, get out of the car, I need you to blow into this breathalyser.”

The driver reached into his pocket and produced a doctor’s note. It read: “This man suffers from chronic asthima. Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath.”

The officer said, “Okay, I need you to come with me, sir, and give a blood sample.” The man produced another letter. This one read: “This man is a haemophiliac. Please do not cause him to bleed in any way.” So the officer said, “Right, a urine sample then.”

The man produced a third letter from his pocket. It read, “This man is an American. Please don’t take the piss.”

A man walks into a bar and shouts at the barman rudely: “Give me a shot of twelve-year-old single malt.” The barman thinks to himself, “This fool won’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of cheap two-year-old whisky.

The customer takes one sip and spits it out. “I said twelve-year-old whisky, dickhead!”

Quietly fuming, the barman pours some six-year-old scotch. The customer takes a sip – same reaction.

But the barman still thinks he can put one over him, so he pours a shot of ten-year-old scotch. Again, same reaction from the customer.

Finally, the barman is cowed into submission and he pours the man a glass of twelve-year-old single malt whisky. The customer takes a sip and is completely satiesfied.

Meanwhile a drunk at the end of the bar slides a glass down the bar to the whisky expert and says: “Mister, taste this!” He obliges . . . and quickly spits it out.

“It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: “So it should. How old am I then?”

A drunk walks into a bar full of bikers and orders a drink. He looks around and sees three big, hairy bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up and staggers over to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker square in the face and says: “I went past your grandmother’s house today and I saw her in the window, stark naked. Fuck me, she is one fne-looking woman!”

The biker looks at him but doesn’t say a word. His friends are both mad and confused because he is the baddest biker in the bar and afraid of no man. The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I shagged your grandmother. I fucked her six ways and she was the best I ever had!”

The biker’s friends are starting to get really, really agitated but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it. She squealed like a bitch on heat!”