The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (29 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
She asked him, “Er . . . if you don’t mind me asking, why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God’?”
He went on feeling her tits and said, “OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD . . . OH MY GOD, where am I going to get £500?”
A magazine article listing the top ten of the most painful things women endure says that the worst is having your nipples clamped. Surely having them towed away is worse?
Ten Signs that Your Son has Outgrown Breastfeeding
1 He opens your blouse by himself.
2 While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
3 He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
4 He keeps slipping fivers in your belt.
5 He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
6 Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
7 After each feeding he lights up a cigarette.
8 He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
9 You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to country music.
10 Beard abrasions on your areola.
How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
A woman comes home after visiting the hospital. Her husband looks her up and down and says, “You seem very pleased with yourself. What’s up?”
His wife replies, “Actually I have good reason to look pleased. I just came back from having a mammogram and the doctor said not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old.”
The husband asks, “What did he say about your fifty-two-year-old arse?”
“No,” she replies, “he never mentioned you”.
A man is walking through Soho when it suddenly starts raining so he takes shelter in a clip joint, paying £50 to get in. Once inside he finds himself confronted by three doors. They read “Blonde”, “Brunette” and “Black”.
He chooses “Blonde”, only to be confronted by three more doors, this time reading “Small Tits”, “Medium Tits” and “Big Tits”.
This time he chooses “Big Tits”, only to be again confronted by three more doors reading “Large Cunt”, “Tight Cunt” and “Wet Cunt”.
Somewhat excited now, he chooses “Wet Cunt”, pushes his way through the door, and finds himself back outside in the rain.
Why does a single-storey brothel usually make more money than a two-storey brothel?
Because there’s no fucking overhead.
A young man was in town looking for some action with the ladies. A taxi driver gave him an address. “Take this. You’ll find everything you want there.”
When the young man arrived at the address he saw a door with a small panel on it. He knocked and the panel slid open. A female voice asked what he wanted. “I want to get screwed,” said the young man.
“Okay, but this is a private club. Slide twenty quid in the slot as an initiation fee,” answered the voice.
The young man slid a £20 note in the slot, the panel closed. Ten minutes passed and nothing happened. He began to pound on the door. Eventually the panel slid open.
“Excuse me,” said the young man, “I want to get screwed!”
“What?” said the voice, “Again?”
A man walks into a brothel and tells one of the girls he wants a blow job. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds to suck him off without a condom. While she does so, he sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.
He disregards this unsettling sight as he enjoys the best blow job of his life and shoots his load into her mouth. Instead of swallowing, she promptly spits the semen into the bucket.
“I get it,” says the punter. “You don’t like swallowing, eh?”
She wipes her mouth and replies, “Actually, I have a bet with one of the other girls. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets.”
This guy is feeling really horny, so he walks into a brothel to get himself a good seeing-to. Once inside he remembers that he’s a bit short of cash so he says to the mistress: “I only have £5, can you help me out?”
The lady says: “Okay, go down the corridor and take the door on the right.” The guy goes in through the door and sees a chicken sitting on a table. He is very disappointed but has a raging hard-on so he figures, “What the hell – you get what you pay for!” and he fucks that chicken senseless. There are feathers flying everywhere.
A week later he returns to the brothel and says to the madam: “Listen, lady, I’ve only got £2 today. Is there anything at all you can do for me?”
The madam replies, “Go down the corridor and take the door on the left.”
So the guy goes in through the door on the left and finds a bunch of guys staring through a two-way mirror at two lesbians having sex.
“This has got to be the bargain of the century,” he says to the other guys. “Only two quid for this!”
One of the men turns to him and says, “Yes, but you should have been here last week – there was guy in there fucking a chicken.”
A teenager gets £50 for his eighteenth birthday from his dad, who tells him to go and get himself sorted with a prostitute from the local brothel.