The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (33 page)

Why did the cancer victim cross the road?

He was hoping to get hit by a truck.

A sixteen-year-old girl goes to see her doctor for a check-up. She complains, “Doctor, every other girl my age has large breasts but I never seemed to develop. Are they ever going to get bigger?”

“Actually,” the doctor replies, “I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that your breasts should start growing in the next few weeks.”

“Oh, that’s great!” the girl replies. “What’s the bad news?”

“The tumour is malignant.”

Say what you like about cancer. It’s still the best way for bald kids to meet sports stars.

I have just received the devastating news that my girlfriend has terminal cancer and the doctor has given her less than nine months to live. On the bright side, at least I don’t have to worry now about getting her pregnant.

Why is a beetroot like prostate cancer?

It turns your piss red.

My mother told me she was dying from cancer. I told her not to worry: those horoscopes usually get it wrong.

A man goes to the doctor’s for his test results. The doctor says, “I’m afraid you have cancer. You only have six months left to live.”

“God, no!” says the man, “What can I do?”

The doctor says, “I recommend you move to Stoke-on-Trent, marry a fat lass and start supporting Port Vale.”

“Will that cure me?” says the man.

“No,” says the doctor, “but it will make the six months seem a lot longer.”

A doctor calls a patient to report on a bone scan and biopsy. The patient is out so the doctor leaves a message to call. As usual, no medical details are left.

After a day of missing each other on the phone the doctor and the patient finally get together. Says the doctor in a matter of fact voice, “I have good news and bad news. Which will you have first?”

“The good news.”

“Okay. The reports say that your cancer has spread and that you have forty-eight hours to live.”

“You call that good news? It must be the bad news. What could possibly be worse?”

“Well, the bad news is that I’ve been trying to call you since yesterday.”

I’ll never forget the day my wife was diagnosed with cancer. She never bloody well shuts up about it.

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped his arse.

Did you hear about the cannibal who turned up late for lunch?