The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (15 page)

A man and his wife went to their honeymoon hotel to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. As the couple reflected upon on that magical evening twenty-five years ago, the wife asked her husband: “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied: “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

The wife slipped off her clothes and stood in front of him wearing only a negligee. She asked: “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “I’m thinking it looks like I did a pretty good job.”

Alf and Mabel had been married for fifty years. On the night of their wedding anniversary after the celebrations were over they retired to bed in a romantic mood. Mabel said to Alf: “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.” Alf leaned over and gave her a loving peck on the cheek.

Then Mabel said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand all the time.” Alf gently took her hand in his.

Mabel went on: “I also remember how you used to nibble my ear and it sent chills up and down my spine.”

Alf got out of bed and walked toward the door. As he exited the room, she called after him, “Do you need a pee?”

“No, I’m just going to get my teeth.”

An elderly couple are having dinner to celebrate their golden wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says to his wife, “There is something I need to say. It has always slightly bothered me that our ninth child never quite looked anything like the rest of our children. These past fifty years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for and your answer will never take all that away. But I must know, did he have a different father?”

The wife stares at her plate, unable to look her husband in the eye. Eventually, she swallows hard then says. “Yes, he did.”

The old man is stunned into silence. After a few moments he summons up the courage to ask: “Who was he?”

The old woman gulps down her wine and says: “You.”

My wife said to me in bed one night, “Since it is our wedding anniversary, why don’t I let you act out one of your fantasies?”

“Okay,” I replied. “You sit at the end of the bed and I’ll sit behind you.”

A little surprised, she did as I asked, then she said, “What is this supposed to be?”

“You driving me down to the pub.”

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?

Lefty.

What does Tehran have in common with Hiroshima?

Nothing, yet.

When is it okay to spit in an Arab woman’s face?

When her moustache is on fire.

What do you call an Arab standing between two buildings?

Ali.

How do you tell a Sunni from a Shi’ite?

The Sunnis are the ones with the Shi’ite blown out of them.

Arab scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the middle ages. They’re calling it “Islam”.