The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (19 page)

The coroner shows him the first body. “Englishman, sixty years old, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector,” says the coroner.

He shows the inspector the second corpse. “Scotsman, about twenty-five years old, won £1,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.”

“Nothing unusual here,” says the inspector and asks to be shown the last body.

“Ah,” says the coroner, “Irishman, about thirty years old, struck by lightning.”

“Why is he smiling then?” enquires the Inspector.

The coroner replies: “Thought he was having his picture taken.”

A professor is giving the first-year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

“You must be capable of two things for a successful autopsy. The most important factor is that you must have no fear.” At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man’s arsehole and then licks it. He then asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, they all reluctantly follow suit. Two students throw up, a third faints to the foor.

“The second thing”, continues the lecturer, “is that you must have an acute sense of observation. For example, you may or may not have noticed that just now I stuck my middle finger into the corpse’s anus, but I licked my index finger.”

What’s the difference between a cattle grid and a banker?

Nobody slows down to drive over a banker.

A city financier parks his brand-new Porsche in front of the wine bar to show it off to his colleagues. As he is getting out of the car a van comes flying along and takes the door clean off before speeding away. Distraught, the financier grabs his mobile and calls the police. Five minutes later the police arrive. Before the copper has a chance to ask any questions the financier starts screaming, “My Porsche, my beautiful red Porsche is ruined! It’ll never be the same again.”

After the anguished financier finally finishes his ranting and raving, the copper shakes his head in disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you city twats are,” he says. “You don’t care about anything but money. You’re so busy thinking about your precious possessions that you don’t know what’s going in your own lives.”

“How dare you!?” snaps the financier.

The copper replies, “Well, you’re so concerned about your car that you didn’t even notice that your arm was torn off when the van hit you.”

The financier looks down in horror at his bleeding shoulder socket. “FUCKING HELL!” he screams, “WHERE’S MY ROLEX??!!”

A little old woman walked into the Bank of Scotland carrying a large bag full of money. She insisted on speaking with the bank manager to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money.” After a great deal of negotiating, the bank staff decided to humour her and finally ushered her into the manager’s office. The bank manager asked her how much she would like to deposit. To his astonishment she replied, “£150,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag on to his desk.

The manager was curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Madam, it is a little unusual for someone to be carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “Gambling.”

The manager then asked, “Gambling? What kind of gambling?”

The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you £25,000 that your testicles are square.”

“Ahem!” coughed the bank manager, “If you don’t mind me saying so, that’s a rather silly bet. You can never win that kind of bet.”

The old lady challenged him, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“If you insist,” said the bank manager. “I’ll be very happy to bet £25,000 that my testicles are not square!”

The little old woman said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow morning at 10 a.m. as a witness?”

“Certainly,” replied the bank manager.

That evening after work the bank manager started to have second thoughts about the bet and spent ages in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10 a.m., the little old woman appeared with her lawyer at the bank manager’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the head of the bank and repeated the bet: “£25,000 says the bank manager’s balls are square!” The banker agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, if you must,” said the bank manager, “£25,000 is a lot of money so you are entitled to be absolutely certain.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The bank manager said to the old lady, “What’s wrong with him?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him £100,000 that at 10 a.m. today I would have the Bank of Scotland’s manager’s balls in my hand.”

Two tigers were stalking through the jungle. Suddenly, the one at the rear reached out with his tongue and licked the arse of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, “Pack it in!” The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, “I said pack it in.” The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, “What the fuck is it with you?”

The rear tiger replied, “Sorry. I really didn’t mean to offend. But I just ate a merchant banker on safari and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”

A Roman centurion walks into a bar.

“What can I get you?” asks the barman.

“I’ll have a Martinum please.”

“Don’t you mean a Martini?”

“If I want a fucking double I’ll ask for one.”

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm. He says to the barman, “I’ll have a pint of bitter, please, and a nigger for the crocodile.”