The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (21 page)

“Well, would you drink with a bloke who’s a liar, always late, borrows money he never pays back, never offers to buy a round, is jealous of everything you have and as soon as your back is turned he tries to fuck your wife and daughter?”

“Bloody hell, no!” says the barman.

“Well, neither would Phil.”

A man walks into a bar. He’s massive, heavily tattooed and menacing. He knocks back a beer and snarls, “All the men on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” You could hear a pin drop.

He then knocks back another beer and snarls, “All the men on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?” Everyone is silent again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man.

“You got a problem, pal?”

“No, I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The barman walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man replies, “I’ll have pint of bitter.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have pint of bitter.”

The cat says, “I’ll have half a pint and I’m not paying.”

So the barman says, “Okay, that will be £5.50.”

The man reaches into his pocket and places the exact amount on the bar. About an hour later the barman goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you gentlemen have?”

The man says, “I’ll have another pint of bitter.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have a another pint of bitter.”

The cat says, “I’ll have another half but I’m not paying.”

The barman serves them and says, “That’ll be £5.50.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him. A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the barman walks over and asks, “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a whisky.”

The ostrich says, “I’ll have a whisky.”

The cat says, “I’ll have half of bitter but I’m not paying.”

So the barman says “Okay, that will be £8.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

So, the barman can’t help but ask: “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in your pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me three wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The barman says, “That’s a really clever wish. That’s better than asking for a lottery win. A lottery win will run out eventually but that never will. What were your other two wishes?”

The man says, “That, unfortunately, is where I fucked up. I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

Three women walk into a bar. “Congratulations,” says the barman. “You’ve subverted a male-dominated joke format.”

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually glances at his watch.

The woman asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” 007 replies, “I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?”

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any knickers.”

The woman laughs and replies, “Well, your state-of-the-art gadget must be faulty because I am most certainly wearing panties!”

007 taps his watch, and says, “Blast, the damn thing must be an hour fast.”

An man walks into a bar and sees a sign:

CHEESEBURGER: £1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: £2.50

HAND JOB: £10.00

He walks up to one of the three attractive barmaids:

“Yes?” she enquires with a smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

“Well,” he replies, “go wash your hands and get me a cheeseburger.”

A young guy was sitting in the pub enjoying a quiet pint when in walked the most stunning woman he had ever laid eyes on. She was tall with brown eyes, silky blonde hair and an incredible figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy T-shirt. He could see that she was bra-less and her incredibly pert breasts were on show. After watching her walk in, he turned back to his beer and shrugged – she was way out of his league. No sooner had he taken a sip of his beer, however, when she pulled up another bar stool and sat right next to him.

“Hi,” she said, then took his hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. “So, does that make you feel good?” she asked. “I’ll bet you feel good,” she continued. “In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.”

“Actually, I have,” the young guy corrected her. “You see, when I was eighteen, I was picked to play for the school football team to play in the regional cup final in front of a crowd of about 500 people and I felt fantastic.”

No sooner had the words left his mouth that he realized his mistake. Instead of getting up to leave, as might be expected, the woman took his hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into his palm as she massaged his hand into her perfect breast.

“So, how do you feel now,” she purred.

“Not bad,” the man replied.

“I’ll bet you do,” said the woman. “In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before!”

Unbelievably, the young guy replied, “Well, actually I have. In that game I was telling you about we were 1–1 with only about one minute left on the clock. The opposition knocked the ball deep into our half, where I picked it up, ran half the length of the pitch, dribbled past four defenders, nutmegged a fifth, than just as I was about to score I was scythed down by their keeper. He was shown the red card and I had a simple penalty kick to win the match.”

“Christ,” he muttered under his breath to himself, not believing what he had just said. He was amazed therefore when she pulled his hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. His fingers immediately met her moist fanny.

“Okay, smartarse,” she said. “But I bet you never felt a cunt like this before?”

“Certainly have,” he answered, “I put it over the bar”.

A beautiful woman approaches the bar in a quiet rural pub. She beckons alluringly to the barman, who immediately goes to serve her. She asks him to come closer, then leans over and seductively caresses his beard.