The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (9 page)

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells, “And get me another fucking whisky while you’re at it, bitch!” Visibly upset, the shaking stewardess returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man loses his temper and decides to try the parrot’s approach: “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee, bitch, now go and get it or I’ll give you a slap!”

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says:

“You know, for someone who can’t fly, you’re a right lippy fucker.”

As an airplane was about to crash, a female passenger jumped up and frantically announced, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removed all her clothing and shouted: “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

A male passenger stood up, removed his shirt and says, “Here, iron this.”

Two aliens land in the mid-west of America near an abandoned gas station.

They approach one of the gas pumps and one of the aliens says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The alien repeats the greeting, to no avail. Annoyed by what he perceives to be the gas pump’s bad manners, he produces his ray gun and says, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, or I’ll fire!”

The other alien interrupts and urges his comrade, “No, don’t shoot, you don’t want to make him mad!” But before he can finish his warning, the first alien fires. There is a huge explosion and both aliens are blasted 200 metres into the air.

When they finally regain consciousness, the first alien says, “The Earthling is truly a formidable creature – he nearly killed us both! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The other alien replies, “My friend, if there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy, it is that anyone who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear is someone you shouldn’t fuck with.”

Al-Qaeda has hidden some bombs in tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. Police have warned that if they go off it could spell disaster.

Al-Qaeda accidentally recruited a dyslexic into their ranks. They now have the world’s first suicide bummer.

A man takes his sick wife to the doctor. The doctor examines her and says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.”

“What do you mean?” the man says. “You can’t tell the difference?”

“Unfortunately not,” replies the doc. “The two conditions look very similar in the early stages.”

“So, what am I supposed to do about it?” asks the man anxiously.

“Tell you what,” says the doctor. “Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

Knock knock . . .

Who’s there?

Alzheimer’s.

Alzheimer’s who?

Knock knock . . .

A stand-up comedian got a gig at the local Alzheimer’s Association annual party. He was very nervous because he hadn’t worked for a while but he need not have worried. They liked his first joke so much that he told it again and again and again. In fact he told it eighty-six times. After the show, an old man went up to him and shook his hand: “You were brilliant,” he said. “I don’t know how you remember them all!”