The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (11 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
So you can tell it from piss.
An American couple are on holiday travelling through Wales. On their way they see a sign for a place called Llanfair-pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrob-wllllantysiliogogogoch and decide to head there for something to eat. As they make their way there they debate the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They stop for lunch and one tourist asks the girl serving them “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?” The waitress nods.
“Would you please pronounce where we are for us – very slowly?”
The waitress leans over the counter and says, “Buurrrrgerrrrr Kinnnnggg.”
Americans – chasing the American dream does not count as exercise.
A man is showing an American tourist around London. When they come to a Pelican crossing, he presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes “bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep . . .”
“What’s that for?” asks the American.
“Oh, that’s just to let the blind know that the lights have changed,” explained the guide.
“My God,” replied the visitor. “In the States we don’t even let them drive.”
Americans. They say tomato; we say, “Please don’t shoot me, I’m on your side.”
What goes clip-clop clip-clop bang!?
An Amish drive-by shooting.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s arse?
A mechanic.
Two Amish women are peeling spuds. One says: “These potatoes remind me of my husband’s balls.”
“Why?” asks the other. “Are they very big?”
“No, because they’re dirty.”
Did you see the first Amish porn film?
Ninety minutes of bare ankles.
Ten Signs that Your Amish Teenage Son is Going Through a “Difficult” Phase
1 He stays in bed till after 5 a.m.
2 In his sock drawer you find pictures of women without bonnets.
3 He drinks molasses until he throws up.
4 He gets a tattoo that says: “Born to Raise Barns”.
5 His name is Jeremiah, but he goes by “J Daddy”.
6 He defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap!”
7 You come upon his secret stash of colourful Y-fronts.
8 He uses slang expressions like: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t listening.”
9 He was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage cheese”.
10 He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.
An Amish woman is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a traffic cop. “Ma’am, I’m not going to give you a ticket right now, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she replies. “I’ll get my husband, Jacob, to take a look at it as soon as I get home.”
“That’s fine. Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Please ask your husband to take care of that right away. Have a nice day now, ma’am.”
Later at home the Amish lady explains to her husband about her encounter with the cop.
“Well, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in a couple of minutes. Anything else?”
“Er . . . I’m not really sure to be honest. Something about the emergency brake?”
What is every Amish woman’s fantasy?