The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (13 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
You know it’s wrong but nevertheless you will end up touching it with your tongue.
A lion, a tiger and a chicken were sitting around discussing who was the toughest. The tiger said, “I’m the toughest sonofabitch in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all of the animals run and hide.”
The lion said, “No, I’m the hardest motherfucker in the animal kingdom. When I roar, all the animals quake with fear.”
The chicken said quietly, “Sorry guys, but I’m the toughest. When I sneeze, the whole world shits itself.”
A female tortoise was walking down an alley when she was ambushed and viciously raped by a gang of snails. When the police arrived they asked her if she got a good look at his attackers. The tortoise, with a confused look on her face, replied: “I don’t know, it all happened so fast.”
A camel and his son are grazing. The younger camel looks up to his father and says: “Dad, why have we got these great big humps on our backs?”
The father camel looks down on the son and says: “Well, son, it is so that we can travel for miles in the desert without stopping for water.”
The young camel listens intently and says, “Wow, I never knew that!”
A few minutes later, the younger camel says: “Dad, why do we have really thick eyelids?”
The father answers, “To protect our eyes so that our pupils are not scratched by sand storms.”
“Wow!” the young camel says.
A couple of minutes later the younger camel says: “Dad, why have we got such huge feet?”
“Well, son,” the father camel replies, “we have to walk over sand dunes and because our feet are big we can travel much more easily.”
“Wow,” says the son. “Dad, what the fuck are we doing in a zoo, then?”
What’s yellow and smells of bananas?
Monkey sick.
What’s blue and comes in pints?
A whale.
What’s pink and hard?
A pig with a flick knife.
What’s the worst smell in the world?
A kipper’s cunt.
Why do cows always look so miserable when they are being milked?
Well, if someone woke you up early, rubbed your tits for two hours and didn’t shag you, wouldn’t you be depressed?
What did the slug say to the snail?
“Big Issue,
mate?”
What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
Little Red Riding Hood was skipping through the forest to visit her grandma, when all of a sudden, she bumped into a big bad wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.