The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (18 page)

Because they always have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates about it.

An Aussie tour guide was driving a group of foreign tourists through the desert to Ayer’s Rock. Along the way he was describing the legendary abilities of the Australian Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea. The tourists were amazed.

Along the road, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an Aborigine. He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air. The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.

“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”

The aborigine replied, “Down the road about twenty-five miles is a 1974 Valiant Ute. It’s red and the left front tyre is bald. The front end is out of whack and it has dents in every panel. There are nine blokes in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are three dead kangaroos on the roof rack and six dogs on the front seat.”

The tourists were astounded by the precision and detail of the information.

“That is amazing – how do you know all that?” asked one.

The Aborigine replied, “I fell out of the fucker about twenty minutes ago.”

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. As this was a highly classified position to fill, it involved a lot of testing and background checks before the applicants could even be considered for the position. After sending some would-be assassins through the various background checks and training and testing, they finally narrowed the possible choices down to three male applicants.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the job. The CIA men in charge of the test took the first of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We need to know that you will follow your orders, no matter what,” he was told. “Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The man was visibly shocked. “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife.”

“In that case,” said the CIA man, “you are undoubtedly the wrong man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

The second man is taken to the same door and handed a gun.

“We must know that you will follow instructions, no matter what,” they explained to the second man. “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”

The second man looked a little shocked, but he took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes and then the door opened and the man came out with tears in his eyes.

“I tried but I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my own wife. I guess I’m not the right man for the job.”

“Correct,” the CIA man replied. “You do not have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

The third and final applicant was led to the same door of the same room and given the same gun. “We must be sure that you will follow instructions, no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair, take this gun and shoot her.”

The third man took the gun, opened the door and went into the room. Outside, the CIA man heard the gun start firing, one shot after another, six times. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on walls. This commotion went on for several minutes then all went quiet. The door opened and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said: “You never told me the gun was loaded with fucking blanks. I had to beat the bitch to death with the chair.”

What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and John F. Kennedy?

One had his head blown off, the other was assassinated.

Did you know that if you counted up all the pies bought at football matches every weekend in the UK, the chances are, you’re autistic.

I used to share a flat with a guy who was autistic. It was great. I used to put rice in his slippers before I went out. He went absolutely nuts – but not before he had counted them all.

What’s the last thing you should ever say to an autistic person?

You do the maths.

How do you know if your child might be autistic?

When you can’t save their drawings because they’re drawn in faeces all over your nice white carpet.

Three corpses arrive at the mortuary on the same day, all with very big smiles on their faces. A police inspector, thinking that this strange coincidence requires an explanation, arrives to ask the coroner how they died.