The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (20 page)

The barman pours the pint and goes out the back. When he returns he says to the customer: “Sorry, pal, we only have pygmies left.”

“No thanks,” replies the customer, “I’m not starting him on shorts this early in the day.”

A man walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and, while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place. It steals some olives from behind the bar and eats them, then takes some pickled eggs from a jar and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The barman shouts at the monkey’s owner: “Oi, did you see what your monkey just did?”

“No, what?”

“The little bastard just ate the cue ball off my pool table!” says the barman.

“That doesn’t surprise me,” replies the customer “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and everything.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.

Two weeks later he’s back in the bar and he has his monkey with him again. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running amok around the bar again. While the man is enjoying his drink, the monkey finds a cherry in a customer’s glass. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is appalled. “Oi, did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks.

“Now what?” responds the customer.

“Well, the little bastard pinched a cherry from that guy’s drink, stuck the cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barman.

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the customer. “He still eats everything in sight but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first.”

I went to the pub last night and the barman asked me what I wanted. I said, “Surprise me!” So he showed me a naked picture of my daughter.

A man walks into a bar and asks the barmaid for a double entendre, so she gives him one.

A couple are sitting in a bar when a man comes up to them. “Excuse me,” he says to the couple, “VD?” The boyfriend jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking him to the foor with a bloody nose. The man picks himself up and goes to the toilet to clean himself up.

A couple of minutes later he’s back in the bar approaching another couple. “Excuse me,” he says to them, “VD?” The same thing happens. Three couples and three more beatings later he sees a bloke in the corner with a scabby face. He goes over and says, “VD, mate?”

“Yeah,” replies the bloke.

“Oh good. You’re next on the dartboard.”

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

The horse replies, “I’ve got Down’s Syndrome.”

A man walks into a bar. The barmaid asks what he wants.

“I want to put my head between your tits and lick the sweat off,” he replies.

“You bloody pervert!” shrieks the barmaid. “Get out before I get my husband.”

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again. The barmaid accepts his apology and again asks what he wants.

“I want to pull down your knickers, spread chocolate all over your cunt and lick it off,” he replies.

“That’s it!” shrieks the barmaid. “You’re barred, you dirty bastard. Leave now!”

Once again the man apologizes profusely and swears that he will never, ever, do it again. “Right. I’ll give you one last chance,” says the barmaid. “Now, what do you want?”

“I want to turn you upside down, fill your cunt with scrumpy cider and suck it all out of you.”

The barmaid runs sobbing upstairs to her husband, who is watching the telly.

“What’s up, love?” says the husband.

“There’s this disgusting pervert downstairs! When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,” she said in a flood of tears.

“He did what? He’s a dead man!” shouts the husband, getting out of his chair.

“Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers and spread chocolate all over my pussy and lick it clean!” screams the wife.

“I don’t believe it! The bastard!” shouts the husband, rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

“Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with scrumpy cider and drink it out of me,” she concludes.

The husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

“Aren’t you going to do something?” shouts the wife, in hysterics.

“Sorry, love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink fourteen pints of scrumpy cider.”

A man walks into a bar. The barman asks: “Why the long face?”

The man says: “My mother was raped by a horse.”

How do you know when a barmaid is mad at you?

There’s a string hanging out of your Bloody Mary.

A man was drinking alone at the bar. “How come I never see you in here with Phil any more?” the barman asks him.