The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (31 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The little girl thought for a moment and said. “I think so. Provided those cunts at Jewson deliver the fucking bricks.”
A builder goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’m constipated.”
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, “Lean over the table.” The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the arse with a cricket bat and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says, “Doc, I feel great. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Stop wiping your arse with cement bags.”
Fred West’s daughter was trying on a new dress. She said: “Dad, does this look good on me?’”
“Yes, it’s lovely!” Fred replied. “But then again, you’d look good in a bin bag.”
How do burns victims pick their noses?
From a catalogue.
What’s black and peeps through a letterbox?
An agoraphobic in a house fire.
What’s charred and stands between two sticks?
A burnt cripple.
I saw the most horrific film ever last night. It was about a little boy who accidentally knocked over a kettle and scalded himself with hot tea and suffered terrible third degree burns. It should have had a PG rating.
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
The Australian entertainer Rolf Harris was asked to leave the scene of the Australian bushfire as he was causing some distress to mourners at the scene. According to press reports, he was seen pulling the charred remains from the smouldering ashes and asking onlookers, “Can you guess what it is yet?”
Say what you like about burns victims, but they always stick together.
Do burns victims get a discount if they’re cremated?
Ten Reasons Why it’s Great to Be Canadian
1 It beats being American.
2 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3 Yo u can play hockey twelve months a year, outdoors.
4 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5 Where else can you travel 1,000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6 A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/ her popularity ratings will rise.
7 You belong to the only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8 You get to kill grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9 Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10 You belong to the only country that has successfully invaded the US and burnt its capital to the ground.