The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (26 page)

The other, a Chihuahua owner, says: “They’ll never let us in with the dogs.”

The first replies: “Just follow my lead,” as he puts on a pair of sunglasses. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink.

The bartender says, “You can’t bring that dog in here!”

The man says, “This is my guide dog.”

The bartender apologizes, “I’m sorry, sir, here . . . the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

The second man walks into the bar with a Chihuahua. He asks for a drink. The bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

“This is my guide dog,” the man says.

The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They don’t have Chihuahuas as guide dogs.”

The man replies, “What? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua?”

A blind man was walking down the street with his guide dog when it led him to walk smack into a post, breaking his nose. When he recovered, the blind man reached into his pocket and fetched out a treat to feed the dog.

A passer-by remarked: “That’s very kind of you. Even after he’s made a mistake like that, you’re giving him a treat.”

“Not exactly,” says the blind man. “I’m just trying to find which end is which so I can kick him in the bollocks.”

How do you drive a blind girl crazy?

Make her read a stucco wall.

A blind millionaire businessman went on a trip in his private jet. At 20,000 feet the pilot called him into the cockpit to tell him he was feeling ill and had chest pains. Suddenly the pilot keeled over with a fatal heart attack. The blind man panicked as he felt the plane nose-diving and rocking violently, so he dragged the pilot out of his seat and strapped himself in. After a lot of frantic fumbling around he located the radio and called into it: “Mayday! Mayday!”

Ground control heard the call for help and enquired what the problem was.

“I am blind and alone in a plane, the pilot is dead and I’m flying upside down. Mayday! Mayday!”

Ground control said: “Calm down, sir. Just to clarify, you are blind, is that correct? If so how do you know you are flying upside down”

The blind man replied: “Because I can feel the shit running up my back.”

A blind man says to his mate, “What’s ‘F’ in Braille?”

He replies, “It’s so we can fucking read, you soft cunt.”

A blind man was in a bar bragging about how his disability had given him a heightened sense of smell. His claimed that his olfactory senses were now so highly developed that he could identify any type of wood purely by smell alone. He challenged fellow drinkers that for every piece of wood they brought him that he was unable to name, he would buy them a drink.

The customers took up his challenge and started to bring in bits of wood and twigs for him to sniff. The first man came up to him with a leg from an old desk for him to sniff. “That’s easy, it’s oak, I would say approximately thirty years old.”

Next, a lady came up to him holding a piece of branch. “Another easy one, that’s a branch from an elm tree.”

So this went on for ages and the customers were starting to get a bit bored with the whole sniffing thing, until a man came in with a black piano key.

The blind man sniffed and furrowed his brow. “Slightly trickier, that one. It’s definitely ebony, but I was thrown somewhat by the smell of stale sweat from the pianist’s fingers and the fact that it’s been placed between the ivory keys for so long.”

By this time the onlookers were pretty pissed off by the whole business and the barman decides he’s had enough. So he gets his wife to take off her knickers and stand in front of the blind man in an effort to confuse him. He sniffs and sniffs again.

“This one’s a little harder, can you turn it over please!”

The women turns around and presents her arse quite close to his face.

“Yep, I’ve got it now. That’s the shit house door off a Newquay sardine trawler.”

Is it just me, or is it obvious there would be less litter if blind people were given pointed sticks?

Did you hear about the blind circumcisionist who got the sack?

A blind man goes to visit an Irish optician with his guide dog. Both the blind man and the dog are facing the eye-test chart on the wall. The optician takes the guide dog away and replaces it with another guide dog, and asks, “Is that better or worse?”

Did you hear about the blind horny skunk?

It attempted to rape a fart.

How do blind people know when to stop wiping their backsides?

When the toilet paper doesn’t smell of shit.