The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (122 page)

A van driver liked to amuse himself by running over Manchester United fans that he saw walking down the road in their red colours. He would swerve to hit them and listen for the satisfactory “THUD”, then he would swerve back on the road. One day he saw a priest hitchhiking and thought he would do a good turn. He stopped and asked the priest, “Father, can I give you lift?”

“I’m going to say mass at a church a couple of miles down the road,” said the priest.

“No problem, father – hop in!”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the van driver spotted a Manchester United fan and instinctively swerved to hit him. Just in time, however, he remembered who his passenger was, so with inches to spare he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the fan. Although he was sure he had missed him, he was puzzled to still hear the distinctive loud “THUD”. Not sure where the noise came from, he looked in his mirrors.

“I’m sorry, father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan.”

“That’s okay, my son,” replied the priest. “I got the fucker with the door.”

Why are Manchester United fans like rats?

Because you’re never more than three yards away from one.

How do you confuse a Manchester United supporter?

Ask him the way to Manchester.

What do you call twenty Manchester United fans skydiving from an aeroplane?

Diahorrea.

The Pope and Margaret Thatcher are sharing a balcony in front of a huge crowd. The ex-PM and His Holiness have seen it all before, so to make it a bit more interesting, Maggie says to the Pope, “Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every Conservative in the crowd go wild?”

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave is greeted with wild cheering from the Tories. Gradually, the noise subsides.

“That was impressive,” says the Pope, “but did you know that, with just one little nod, I can make every person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”

The Iron Lady seriously doubts this and says, “One nod and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.”

So the Pope head-butts her.

I had a wet dream about Margaret Thatcher last night.

She got hit by a bus and I pissed myself.

Margaret Thatcher answers the phone. “Can I speak to the prime minister, please?” says the voice at the other end. She politely tells him she is no longer prime minister and suggests he tries another number. Half an hour later, Maggie’s telephone rings again. “Can I speak to the prime minister please?”

“Look, I’ve told you once I’m not prime minister any longer, now piss off and leave me alone.”

Ten minutes later he calls again. “Is that the prime minister?”

Maggie says, “I’ve told you repeatedly that I am NOT prime minister any longer, why are you doing this to me?”

“I just love hearing you say it,” says the caller.

A man gets home from work and says to his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

So she brings him a beer and he drinks it.

“Get me another beer before it starts,” he shouts.

So she brings him another beer and he downs that one as well.

“Get me another fucking beer before it starts,” he shouts at her again.

“Listen here, you lazy fat bastard,” she shouts at him, “you walk in here, sit down and start barking out orders.”

“Fucking hell! It’s started already!”

A woman was in the kitchen, preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. Her husband walked in. She turned and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment.”