The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (123 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
His eyes lit up and he thought, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all - right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks”, and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, “Hang on . . . what was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
After twenty years of marriage, a woman looks in the bathroom mirror and sighs. “God, I look old, fat and ugly.” She implores her husband; “Pay me a compliment, dear.”
Her husband replies, “Well, there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, “I have a headache.”
“Perfect,” replies her husband. “I was in the bathroom just now powdering my penis with crushed aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository; you choose.”
Who is the bravest man in the world?
The guy who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and reeking of perfume, then slaps his wife on the arse and says: “You’re next, fatty.”
My wife somehow got a vacuum cleaner hose stuck up her arse. I phoned the hospital to see how she was doing. They told me she was picking up nicely.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I’m off to London. I read that prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free.”
Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks.
“I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on £800 a year.”
This day holds painful memories for me because it was on this day two years ago that I lost my darling wife and two children. I’ll never forget that game of cards.
I said to my wife last night: “Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?”
“Okay,” she replied. “You stand by the ironing board and I’ll lie on the sofa and watch TV.”
I said to my wife the other night: “I’m going down the pub, get your coat.”
“That’s nice, it’s about time you took me out for a drink,” she said.
“Not fucking likely,” I said. “I’m turning the central heating off.”
After ffteen years of marriage, my wife still gets upset if I use her toothbrush. If anyone knows a better way of getting dog shit off your trainers, I’m all ears.
A woman says to her husband, “Tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.”
He replies, “You’ve got a tighter cunt than your sister.”
My wife dresses to kill. Coincidentally, she also cooks the same way.
A married couple are in bed one morning. “I had a really good dream last night,” says the wife. “I dreamt that I was at a penis auction. Long dicks were going for £100 each and thick dicks were going for £200.”
“Really?” says the husband. “What would mine have fetched?”