The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (121 page)

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”

“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”

“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someone else.”

The rector goes into the bishop’s study to inform him of the situation. The bishop listens and both return to confront the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”

“There is no problem,” the man says. “I just won fve million fucking quid on the fucking lottery and I want to join this fucking church to get rid of some of this fucking money.”

“I see,” says the Bishop, “and this cunt is giving you a hard time?”

A man spends several days crossing the desert without water. Even his camel has died of thirst. As he is crawling through the sands on his hands and knees, convinced he is about to die, he suddenly sees an old briefcase sticking out of the sand a few yards ahead of him. He crawls to the old briefcase and opens it and out pops a genie. This, however, is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a grey suit and sporting an Inland Revenue ID badge on his lapel. There is a calculator in his pocket and he’s holding a clipboard.

“Okay,” says the genie, “I’m sure you know how this works. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this,” says the man, “This is a mirage. I must be losing my mind.”

“So what do you have to lose?” says the genie. “You’re going to die anyway, right?”

The man thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. “Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink.”

In a fash, the man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of fruit.

“What’s your second wish?”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

In a flash the man fnds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“You have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that beautiful women will want and need me.” In a flash, he is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: if the Revenue offers you anything, there’s bound to be a string attached.

A gorgeous blonde walks into a bar. The man at the bar says to her, “I’m drinking magic beer. You want one?”

“No thanks,” she says. “There’s no such thing.”

“Sure there is, I’ll show you.” He takes a big swig and proceeds to throw himself out of a nearby window, then he flies up and around the building and back in through the bar window.

“That’s unbelievable,” she gasps.

“Hey, barman, pour me another one of them magic beers.” The bartender shakes his head and pours another beer and slides it down the bar. The man knocks about half of it back and proceeds to leap out of the window and circle the building again.

“Here, you try it,” he says to the blonde. She takes a big gulp from the glass, jumps out of the window, and falls about thirty feet to the ground, breaking both of her legs.

The bartender says, “Superman, you’re a right cunt when you’re drunk.”

A magician was working on a cruise ship. As there was a completely new audience every couple of weeks, he was able to get away with the same routine over and over again. The only problem was that the ship’s captain had a parrot that saw the shows each week and began to understand and memorize how the magician did every trick. After a while the parrot started to shout out in the middle of the show, “Look, he’s got a card up his sleeve”, or “Look, he’s hiding something under his hat” or “Why is it always the queen of clubs?” The magician wanted to kill the parrot but wasn’t in a position to do anything – after all, it belonged to the ship’s captain.

One evening, however, in the middle of his show there was a freak storm and the ship sank. The magician found himself foating on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. For a couple of days they glared at each other, but did not share a single word.

This went on for three days, then four. Finally on the fifth day, the parrot said, “Okay, I give up. Where’s the fucking ship?”

Cinderella was eighty years old, having outlived her prince by more than a decade. She spent her days sitting on her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with only her cat Fred for companionship.

Then one evening, out of nowhere appeared her old friend, the Fairy Godmother. “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” said Cinderella.

The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good life I have decided to grant you three more wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella is overjoyed. After careful consideration she uttered her first wish: “I wish I was very rich.” In an instant her rocking chair was turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother.”

The Fairy Godmother replied, “It is the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: “I wish I was young and beautiful again.” In an instant, her former beautiful youthful self was restored. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long-forgotten vigour and vitality began to course through her veins.

The Fairy Godmother spoke again; “You have one more wish, Cinderella, what does your heart desire?”

Cinderella replied: “I wish you to transform Fred my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Fred underwent a transformation. Suddenly, before her stood a young man so fair and handsome, the like of which she nor the world had ever seen.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.” And, in a fash of blue light, she was gone. For a few moments, Fred and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect young male she had ever seen. Then Fred walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear, and whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath, “I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don’t you?”

A woman buys a mirror and hangs it on the bathroom door. While getting undressed she says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bra size 44!” There’s a blinding flash of light and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what’s happened and they both return to the bathroom.

The husband crosses his fingers and says, “Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my penis touch the foor!” Suddenly, there’s another blinding flash of light and his legs fall off.