The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (127 page)

A man is walking down a country lane late one night when he has a sudden urge for sex. He sees a pumpkin patch in the feld by the lane and fgures that as a pumpkin is soft inside it will be the next best thing. He cuts a hole in a pumpkin and proceeds to pleasure himself. He gets so carried away that he fails to notice that a police car had stopped at the side of the road. A police woman gets out of the car and shines a torch on him.

“Excuse me, sir,” she says, “but if I’m not mistaken, you appear to be screwing a pumpkin.”

The man looks horrifed. “A pumpkin? Fuck! Is it midnight already?”

A psychology student is conducting a survey to study the masturbatory habits of males. She approaches the frst man and says, “Excuse me, sir, I’m conducting a survey and would like to know, what do you hold in your left hand while you masturbate?”

To which the man replies, “A remote controller, for the DVD.”

She approaches the second man, with the same question. He answers, “I’ve got a magazine”, and she notes down his answer.

She then approaches a third man and asks him what he holds while he masturbates, to which he answers, “A bar of soap.”

Bemused by this, she asks why.

“Because I’m bathing the kids.”

What’s the ultimate sexual rejection?

When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

For dads there is Father’s Day. For mothers there is Mother’s Day. For lovers there is Valentine’s Day. And for wankers there is Palm Sunday.

I was very disappointed to read that a man can get paid £60 just for donating his sperm. Just think of all that money I’ve let slip through my fngers.

My wife has lost the urge to masturbate. She’s just not feeling herself lately.

A mechanic dies in a road accident on his thirty-ffth birthday and fnds himself at the pearly gates. The angels are singing a beautiful hymn and there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and everyone wants to shake his hand. Just when he thinks things can’t possibly get any better, St Peter himself comes over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the gates, shakes his hand and says, “Congratulations, son, we’ve been waiting for you!”

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the engineer says, “St Peter, I tried to lead a decent life, I was a good husband, I loved my kids . . . but congratulations for what? I don’t remember doing anything really special to deserve this.”

St Peter is amazed at the man’s modesty. “Congratulations for what? We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!”

The mechanic is speechless. Eventually he says, “St Peter, I lived my life hoping that when I died I would go to Heaven, but as God is my witness, I swear I am only thirty-fve years old.”

“That’s impossible,” says St Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets!”

How can you tell when a mechanic has just had sex? One of his fngers is clean.

What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral thermometer?

The taste.