The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (128 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
Osteoporosis. It’s not what it’s cracked up to be.
A man goes to the doctor for his test results.
“Mr Jones, do you want the good news or the bad news?” the doctor asks.
“Give it to me straight, doc,” he replies.
“Okay then,” says the doctor, “you have less than forty-eight hours to live.”
The man is shocked and says, “Well . . . what’s the good news?”
The doctor smiles, “We’re naming a disease after you.”
Mary Poppins once said, “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
Not if you have diabetes, the murdering bitch.
What sits at the bottom of the bed and takes the piss? A kidney dialysis machine.
It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. As someone with full-blown AIDS, I beg to differ.
What turns a nine-stone weakling into a man of steel? Polio.
They say that whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Try telling that to someone with muscular dystrophy.
I love playing snap with my son. He’s got brittle-bone disease.
How can you tell which is the head nurse in a hospital? She’s the one with the dirty knees.
What’s the defnition of machismo?
Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Fifty Reasons Why it’s Better to Be a Man Than a Woman
1 A five-day holiday requires one overnight bag.
2 Phone conversations are over in thirty seconds flat.
3 You can open all your own jars.
4 When clicking through the channels you don’t have to stop at the bits where someone’s crying.
5 All your orgasms are real.
6 You can go to the toilet without a support group.
7 When your work is criticized, you understand that everyone doesn’t secretly hate you.
8 Nobody wonders if you swallow.
9 You never have to clean a toilet.
10 You can be showered and ready to go in ten minutes.
11 You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week.
12 Sex never means worrying about your reputation.
13 If someone forgets to invite you to something, it means that they forgot to invite you. It doesn’t mean that they hate you, and he or she can still be your friend.
14 You can quietly watch a game on TV with a mate for hours without it ever occurring to you that he’s mad at you.
15 You never look at the size of a baby’s head and break into a sweat.
16 You can piss anywhere, man!
17 Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
18 One mood, all the time.
19 Same work, more pay!
20 Grey hair and wrinkles add character.
21 The remote control is yours and yours alone.
22 No such thing as bunny-hopping half an inch above the toilet seat.
23 People don’t look at your chest when you’re talking to them.
24 You can buy condoms without the chemist imagining you are naked.
25 If you don’t call your mate when you say you will, he won’t tell your other friends and they won’t try to work out what the problem is.
26 One day you will be a dirty old man and you’re looking forward to it.
27 You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you’re not in the mood.
28 Not liking a person doesn’t exclude having great sex with them.
29 Life will go on if the bed sheets don’t get changed once in a while.
30 Biological clock?
31 Having a beer belly is a perfect reason for wearing a t-shirt.
32 Your friends can be trusted never to trap you with: “So, notice anything different?”
33 None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
34 You don’t have to shave below your neck.
35 You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy arse every night.
36 You can be thirty and single, and nobody even notices.
37 You can write your name in the snow with your piss.
38 Chocolate is just another food.
39 Flowers fix everything.
40 You never have to worry about other people’s feelings.
41 You get to think about sex 90 per cent of your waking hours.
42 Reverse parking is easy.
43 Foreplay is optional.
44 Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows.
45 You don’t have to clean your house if the meter reader is coming.
46 You never feel compelled to stop a mate from getting laid.
47 Car mechanics tell you the truth.
48 You don’t give a fuck if no one notices your new haircut.
49 Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe.
50 Angelina Jolie does.