The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (62 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
At this point the biker stands up, grabs the drunk by his lapels, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Grandad, go home, you’re drunk.”
Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto.
The latest pub craze is flling a woman’s vagina with vodka then sucking it out using a straw. Doctors, however, are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
A young hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and gingerly dipped his toes into the water. He waded in and, as the water got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under the water and was only just able to get back to the bank. After resting for a few minutes, the young hedgehog tried again – after going under twice more, he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover, but once he felt ft enough he started back into the water. Meanwhile two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank. One said to the other: “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
Three ducks walk into a bar.
“Hello, who are you?” the barman asks.
The first duck replies, “I’m Huey.”
“I bet you are,” says the barman. “And how’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great, thanks. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” smiles Huey.
“That’s nice,” says the bartender, turning to the second duck. “Hi, and who are you?”
“Dewey,” comes the reply.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey?” asks the barman.
“Great. I’ve been in and out of puddles all day as well. What more could a duck want?”
The barman turns to the third duck and says, “So, I bet you must be Louie?”
“No,” she says, with a coy smile. “I’m Puddles.”
A duck walks into a chemist’s and says to the assistant, “Give me a chap stick.”
The assistant says to the duck, “Are you paying cash?”
The duck replies, “Just put it on my bill.”
The next day, the duck goes back to the chemist’s and says to the assistant: “Give me a box of condoms.”
The assistant says, “Do you want me to put them on your bill?”
The duck says, “Hell, no, I’m not that kind of duck.”
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers.
A duck walks into a bar and says; “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, we do not have any bread.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, we haven’t got any fucking bread.”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
The barman says: “No, are you deaf? We haven’t got any fucking bread. Ask me again and I’ll nail your fucking beak to the bar, you irritating little twat, NOW FUCK OFF!!”
The duck says: “Got any nails?”
The barman says: “No!”
The duck says: “Got any bread?”
My friend left the doctor’s today looking really worried. “What’s the matter?” I asked.
“I’ve got the big C,” he said.
“What, cancer?”
“No, dyslexia.”
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.