The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (27 page)

A young brunette walks into the doctor’s. “Doctor, my body hurts wherever I touch it.”

“Hmmm. Highly unusual, not to mention unlikely,” says the doctor. “Show me.”

So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow and screams in agony. She pokes her knee and screams, pokes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

“You’re not really a brunette, are you?” says the doctor.

She says, “No, I’m really a blonde.”

“I thought so,” he replies. “You have a broken finger.”

A blind man goes into a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he shouts in a loud voice, “Oi, barman, you want to hear the best thick blonde joke ever?”

The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is fair, given that you are blind, that I should enlighten you on a few points. Number one, the ‘barman’ is in fact a blonde lady. Number two, the bouncer on the door is also a blonde lady. Number three, the lady sitting next to me is also blonde and is a professional boxer. Number four, the lady to your right is a blonde and is also a professional wrestler. Number five, I’m a 6-foot, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate and a very short fuse. Now, I want you to think about this carefully. Do you still want to tell that joke?”

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: “Nah, forget it, not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”

What’s the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?

A shopping trolley has a mind of its own.

A blonde is at the hairdressers, having her roots done, chatting to the stylist.

“My boyfriend has very bad dandruff,” she says.

“Why don’t you give him head and shoulders?” suggests the stylist.

“Okay,” says the blonde. “How do I give him shoulders?”

A blonde takes her car to be repaired. The mechanic fixes it in less than five minutes.

“Nothing serious, love,” he tells her, “just shit in the air filter.”

“Oh,” she replies. “How often?”

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?

When there is tampon behind her ear and she can’t find her pencil.

What do a blonde and a turtle have in common?

Every time they are on their backs, they are fucked.

A young lad starts a new job in a sex shop. His boss has to go on an errand, so he leaves the lad in charge of the shop. After a while a black lady enters the shop and starts browsing the dildoes.

“May I be of assistance, madam?” enquires the lad.

“How much are your dildoes?” she replies.

“They’re all £40.”

“In that case I’ll have a white one. I’ve never had a white one before.”

Next, in comes a white woman, who asks the same question and gets the same answer. “I’ll buy a black one,” she says, “I’ve never had a black one before.”

In comes a blonde. “How much are your dildoes?”

“They’re all the same, £40 for the white, £40 for the black.”

“Okay. But how much is that tartan one on the shelf?”

“That’s a very special dildo, madam. It’s £165.”

“I’ll have it,” says the blonde, and she leaves with her purchase.

The boss returns and asks the lad how he got on. “Pretty good, actually,” came the reply, “I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your Thermos flask for £165.”

How can you tell if a blonde has been in your fridge?

By the lipstick on the cucumber.

One evening a blonde looked outside and to her surprise she saw the house next door was on fire. Being a good neighbour she called the emergency services. The operator asked what her emergency was.

The blonde replied, “The house next door is on fire.”