The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (36 page)

“Oh, forget about him,” her friend tells her. “I went out with him once, and all he did was go on and on about his fucking operation.”

A little boy was at the supermarket checkout with a huge box of detergent. The checkout girl, trying to be friendly, asked him he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Not laundry,” the boy said. “I’m going to wash my kitten.”

“You shouldn’t use this to wash your kitten. It is very powerful and if you wash your cat in this, you’ll make him very ill. You might even kill him.”

Nevertheless the little boy paid for his box of detergent and went on his way. A couple of weeks later the little boy was back in the supermarket buying some chocolate. The checkout girl asked the boy how his kitten was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said.

“I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your kitten.”

The little boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. How did he die?”

“Dunno,” says the boy, “but I think it might have been the spin cycle.”

I bought a “Bag For Life” from Tesco. They are so much better for drowning kittens than normal bin bags.

Little Jimmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What goes on there, Jimmy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Jimmy tearfully, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbour was perplexed. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Jimmy patted down the last heap of earth. “Yes it is,” he replied. “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

What do you say to a chav when he’s at work?

“Big Mac and fries, please.”

What do you call a chav in a suit?

The accused.

What do you call a chav in a white shell suit?

The bride.

Two chavs in a car without any music – who’s driving?

The police.

What do you call a thirty-year-old female chav?

Granny.

How do you know if you’re definitely a chav?

You let your fifteen-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her children.

Why should you never run over a chav on a bike?

It’s probably your bike.

What’s the most confusing day of the year for a chav?