The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (39 page)

Have you heard about the new doll out this Christmas?

It comes without shoes, clothes, or any possessions at all. It’s called a Zimbarbie doll.

Have you heard about the new line of tampons with bells and tinsel?

They’re for the Christmas period.

The wife gave me a nice long blow job for Christmas. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that our daughter got me the same.

It was Boxing Day and little Robbie and Timmy are comparing their presents.

“So what did what did you get?” asks little Robbie.

“I got a football, a rugby ball, a tennis set, some DVDs, a Wii and loads of games, a 32-inch plasma screen TV, and some books, and a remote control car, and a remote control plane, and a little motorbike. I also got shed loads of sweets and chocolate, and I got to go to Lapland to meet Santa!”

“Wow!” says Robbie.

“Yeah, I know! So what did you get?”

“I got a football and a selection box,” says Robbie.

“That’s a bit shit, isn’t it?” says Timmy.

“Yeah, I suppose it is. But then I’m not the one with leukaemia.”

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by St Peter at the pearly gates. “You’ve all led sinful lives,” said St Peter, “but as this is the season of goodwill to all men, I’ll give you a sporting chance. If you can show me something that symbolizes Christmas I will allow you to enter.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” St Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

St Peter said: “Okay, you may pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s knickers.

St Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “They’re Carol’s.”

Remember, a doggy is not just for Christmas.

It’s a great position all the year round.

I bought a Liverpool FC advent calendar for Christmas. Fucking typical; all the windows are boarded up and some bastard had stolen the chocolate.

A church service was just about to commence and the congregation were sitting in their pews. Suddenly, Satan himself appeared at the front of the church. Pandemonium ensued as the church was filled with screams, and everyone was fighting to get out, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Very soon the church was empty except for one man, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, apparently oblivious that evil incarnate was just a few yards away. Satan walked up to the man and said, “Do you know who I am?”

“Yes,” the man replied.

“Do you not fear me?” Satan asked.

“No, mate,” said the man.

“Don’t you realize that I can make you fry by lifting one finger?” said Satan.

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” replied the man, calmly.

“Do you know that I can cause you horrifying agony for all eternity?” persisted Satan.

“That wouldn’t surprise me either,” replied the man.

“And yet you are not afraid?” said the evil one.

“Not really,” said the man.

Satan asked, “Why do you not fear me?”

The man calmly replied, “Because I have been married to your sister for thirty years.”

One day Mr Smith went to see the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” he said, “I have a problem. Mrs Smith keeps falling asleep during your sermons and it’s very embarrassing. Is there anything I can do?”