The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (41 page)

A young woman in a coma is moved to a new room in the hospital. After a few days her nurse notices that every time she sponge bathes the patient around her bits, the nearby monitor indicates that the patient’s vital signs increase significantly. She has a bright idea: perhaps oral sex might just provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman’s husband, and tells him that there is a just a chance oral sex can revive his wife, and he agrees.

When he arrives at the hospital, the nurse ushers him into the room, closes the curtain around the bed and closes the door. Five minutes later, the husband rushes out of the room, clearly distressed. All of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero and she needs a doctor immediately. The nurse is very upset that her idea not only didn’t work, but had threatened the life of the woman she had sought to save.

She asks the husband: “What happened?”

“I’m not sure,” he replied. “But I think she choked.”

I bought myself my first black condom today. My wife died last night and her sister is visiting later, so I thought I had better show a bit of respect.

A couple have just had sex. The woman says, “If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?”

The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it and flushes it down the toilet. He says, “If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

How do Australians practise safe sex?

They brand the sheep that kick.

I bought some of these flavoured condoms last week. I said to my wife, “Let’s play a game. I put one of these flavoured condoms on and you try to guess what flavour it is.”

So she closed her eyes and went under the duvet and said: “Mmmm. Cheese and onion flavour.”

I replied: “Hang on, give me chance to put one on!”

Did you hear about the new “morning after” pill for men?

It works by changing your blood type.

What’s a diaphragm?

A trampoline for dick heads.

The Russian President Vladimir Putin called Barack Obama with an emergency request. “Mr President, we need help. Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the Russian President explained. “My people now have no method of birth control! This is a true disaster!”

“Vladimir,” said Obama, “the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you.”

“We do need your help,” said Putin. “Could you possibly send one million condoms to tide us over?”

“No problem, I’m on it,” said Obama.

“Oh, and one more small favour, please?” said Putin.

“Yes?” said Obama.

“Can you supply the condoms red in colour and at least ten inches long and four inches in diameter?”

“No problem,” replied Obama, and with that, he hung up and called the CEO of Durex. “I need a favour, you’ve got to make one million condoms right away and send them to Russia.”

“Consider it done,” said the CEO of Durex.

“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in colour, ten inches long and four inches wide.”

“Easily done. Anything else?”

“Yes,” says Obama. “Print ‘MADE IN USA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”

What’s the best form of birth control for people over fifty?

Nudity
.

A man walks into a pharmacist’s with his eight-year-old son. As they walk past the condom display, the little boy asks, “What are these, dad?”