The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (38 page)

A couple of hours later he calls in again. “I do what you say boss and I feel great. I be at work soon.”

“Didn’t I tell you?” says his employer, feeling quite pleased with himself. “I look forward to seeing you later.”

“Okay, boss. By the way, you got velly nice house.”

What does a Chinaman do when he has an erection?

He votes.

Why can’t Chinese couples have Caucasian babies?

Because two Wongs don’t make a white.

Three Chinese labourers are working on a building site when the foreman calls them over. If they can carry an extra pallet of bricks, he tells them that there will be an extra £50 in their wages.

The first man adds an extra pallet of bricks and the foreman is well pleased.

The second man also lifts an extra pallet and the foreman is even more pleased.

The third one tries with all his might but he just can’t lift an extra pallet. The foreman tells him: “You are the weakest chink. Goodbye.”

A young man was lost in the woods when he came across a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long grey beard.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you lay a finger on my daughter, I will infict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Okay,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young and attractive with an amazing figure. She was also obviously very sex-starved because she couldn’t keep her eyes off the young man during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he politely ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear.

He crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. The next morning he awoke to a feeling of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well,” he smiled to himself, “if that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have too much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw it out of the window. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.” In a panic he looked down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Thinking quickly on his feet, and figuring that a couple of broken legs were better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he spotted a large sign on the ground looming towards him that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

What’s the definition of a clunt?

Someone who runs away from a Chinese chip shop without paying.

A deaf mute man works his way up in the Chinese Triads and gets the job of collecting protection money on a small patch in Chinatown. After a couple of months in the job, however, he gets greedy and starts to cream off some of the money and stashes it in a safe place. His Triad bosses soon realize that they are short by about £50,000. They send their best enforcer to sort it out. He finds the deaf mute money collector to ask him where the money is, but they can’t communicate so the enforcer drags him off to a poor Chinese restaurant owner who knows sign language.

“Ask him where the money is,” demands the enforcer.

The restaurant owner signs to the man, who he knew had been terrorizing the neighbourhood for weeks: “He wants to know where the money is.”

The deaf mute signs back, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Go fuck yourself.”

The interpreter relays this to the enforcer, who promptly pulls out a gun and points in the money collector’s mouth.

“Now, ask him again where the money is.”

The terrified deaf mute signs back, “The £50,000 is in a deposit box at Euston Station. The key to the box is in the glove compartment of my car, box number 432.”

“What did he say?” demands the Triad enforcer.

The restaurant owner replies: “He says he still doesn’t know what you’re talking about. He thinks you’re a slitty-eyed cunt who doesn’t have the balls to pull the trigger and your mother sucks cock for money.”

A Chinese couple get married and the bride is a virgin. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darring,” he says, “I know dis you firt time and you velly flightened but I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you want?”

“I would rike number 69,” she replies.

He says, “You want beef with bloccolli?”

A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn’t have a wheelie bin outside, so he goes to the door and knocks. After a few minutes an old Chinese man comes to the door.

“Where’s your bin?” the refuse collector asks.

“I bin upstairs,” the Chinese man replies.

“No,” the refuse collector continues, “where’s your WHEELIE bin?”

The old man thinks for a minute then says: “Okay, you got me. I was upstairs having a clafty wank.”