The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (138 page)
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Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
’ Two Muslim families moved to America. When they arrived, the two men at the head of each household made a bet: in a year’s time, whichever family had become more American would win. A year later they met again.
The first man said, “My son is playing baseball, I had McDonald’s for breakfast and I’m on my way to pick up a case of Bud, how about you?”
The second man replied, “Fuck off, towel head.”
You Are Almost Certainly a Member of the Taliban If . . .
1 You refine heroin for a living but you have a moral objection to beer.
2 You own a £2,000 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher but you can’t afford shoes.
3 You have more wives than teeth.
4 You wipe your arse with your bare left hand but consider bacon “unclean”.
5 You think vests come in two styles: bulletproof and suicide.
6 You think that television is dangerous but carry explosives in your clothing.
7 You didn’t know that mobile phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
8 You have often said, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”
9 You have nothing against women; in fact you think every man should own at least one.
10 You’ve ever had a crush on your neighbour’s goat.
Why are the Taliban not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
Why is the British summer just like a Muslim?
Because it’s either Sunni or Shi’ite.
What does the average Pakistani weigh?
Sweets.
The Indian chief Geronimo decides it is time to give his three sons their adult names because they have reached manhood. He gathers them in to his tent together with the elders of the tribe and turns to his eldest son.
“Son, you will be called Eagle.”
The third and youngest son interrupts, “Dad, dad, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” replies Geronimo.
He continues; “You will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise.”
The elders agree. Geronimo then turns to his second son. Meanwhile the third son interrupts again: “Dad, dad, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replies.
Geronimo continues to tell his second eldest, “Son, you will be called Swallow.”
The third son says again, “Father, father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” comes the reply. He continues, “You will be named Swallow because you are quick and cunning.”
The elders agree. He then turns to the third son, who is still impatiently asking, “Dad, dad, what will I be called?”
“Son, you will be called Thrush.”
“Why is that, dad?” he asks excitedly.
“Because, my son, you are an irritating cunt.”
Tonto and the Lone Ranger are walking through the prairie. The Lone Ranger asks Tonto how much he knows about the prairie and the nature surrounding them. Tonto suddenly drops the foor, puts his ear to the ground and says, “Buffalo come.”
The Lone Ranger is amazed. He says, “Are you so knowledgeable in this world that you can hear the animals miles away and understand their acoustics via their vibrations through the ground?”
Tonto shakes his head and says, “No. Ear stuck to foor!”
Did you hear about the dyslexic native American?
They buried his knee at Wounded Heart.
One day an Indian chief walked into a pharmacy and asked to speak to the pharmacist. The pharmacist walks out and asks the chief, “How may I help you?”
The chief replies, “Me got heap too many children, need condoms.”
The pharmacist helips the chief to select from his extensive range of condoms and sends him on his way. The next day, the chief walks back into the pharmacy with a shredded, badly mangled condom. Puzzled, the pharmacist asks him what happened.
Tossing the damaged condom on to the counter in disgust, the chief replies angrily, “Last night, me put on condom to fuck squaw. Left nut go ‘Ug!’, right nut go ‘Ug!’, condom go BOOM!” Surprised at this news, the pharmacist gives the chief a packet of special prescription, super-strength condoms. Hoping this will do the trick, the pharmacist sends the chief on his way.
The next day, the chief reappears, mad as hell with yet another shredded condom in his hand. The pharmacist asks the chief what happened.
The chief replies angrily, “Last night, me put on condom to fuck squaw. Left nut go ‘Ug!’, right nut go ‘Ug!’, condom go BOOM!” The pharmacist, by now at his wits end, asks the chief to wait, then nips out of the back of the shop and goes to a bicycle shop to buy a cycle tyre repair kit. He then takes a length of the tube, seals off one end with the repair kit and hands it to the chief. This, he tells the chief triumphantly, will definitely do the trick.
The next morning, the Indian chief limps through the door very slowly, and in obvious pain. Surprised, the pharmacist runs out and asks the chief what happened.
The chief looks him in the eye and with a very hoarse voice replies, “Last night, me put on condom to fuck squaw. Left nut go ‘Ug!’, condom go ‘Ug!’, right nut go BOOM!”
A Scouser called Steve is on a trip around North America. One day he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and gets talking to the bartender, when he sees a native American wearing full tribal gear sitting on a bar stool. Says Steve to the barman, “Who is the cool looking dude in the Red Indian gear?”