The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (134 page)

I was reading in the paper about this dwarf who had his pocket picked and his wallet stolen. How could anyone stoop so low?

What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease?

One is a cunning runt and the other is a running cunt.

This morning I woke up happy with a huge erection. He wasn’t pleased.

Every day at the offce a man approaches a female co-worker at the water cooler, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and says: “Mmm. Your hair smells nice.”

After a couple of week of this, she can’t stand it any longer and complains to Human Resources. Without identifying her co-worker, she tells them what he does and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him. The HR supervisor is puzzled, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies, “It’s Mick, the midget.”

A man phones his friend, who is a breeder of horses. “I’m sending a mate over. He wants to buy a horse - keep an eye out for him.”

The horse breeder replies: “Sure, but how will I know who he is?”

“That’s easy, he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.”

When the little fella arrives, the breeder asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

“A female horth,” the dwarf replies.

He shows him a prized flly.

“Nithe lookin’ horth,” says the dwarf. “Can I get a clother look at her eyth?”

So the breeder picks up the dwarf, who gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

“Nithe eyth, can I thee her earth?”

He picks the little fella up again and shows him the horse’s ears.

“Nithe earth, can I see her mouf?”

The horse breeder is getting just a little irritated, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nithe mouf. Can I see her twat?”

Completely pissed off by this point, the breeder grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and drops him on the ground.

The dwarf picked himself up from the foor, sputtering and coughing.

“Thorry. Perhapth I should rephrase the quethtion. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?”

A female midget friend of mine says she has decided to become a prostitute.

This had made me very sad. I just feel like she’s selling herself short.

    Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a holiday in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re captivated by two glamorous prostitutes and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, when, having got back to his room, he finds that he can’t manage an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears shouts of “ONE, TWO, THREE . . . HUP!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “So how did it go?”

The first dwarf whispers back: “To be honest, it was so fucking embarrassing. I just couldn’t get a hard-on.”

The second dwarf shakes his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even climb on to the bed.”

A woman comes home early from work to find her husband in bed with a female dwarf. “You bastard!” she yells. “You promised you were done with playing around behind my back.”

“For Christ’s sake woman,” replies the husband, “can’t you see I’m cutting down?”

A young soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your habit? I’ll explain later.” The nun agreed. A moment later two military policemen appeared and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

“He went that way,” the nun replied. After the MPs left, the soldier crawled out from under her habit and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Afghanistan.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not being rude, but I couldn’t help noticing that you have a very hairy pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you’d looked a little higher, you’d have seen a pair of hairy balls. I don’t want to go to Afghanistan either.”

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train?