The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (53 page)

Father and son drink all night to celebrate, and at the end of the night they walk out of the pub. The son, unused to alcohol, staggers into the road and a lorry knocks him twenty feet through the air, killing him outright.

The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.

What goes PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ?

Two paraplegics in an acid bath.

Three pregnant women are sitting outside a doctor’s surgery. They are all knitting in expectation of their new kids’ imminent arrivals.

The first one takes out a tablet, and pops it in her mouth. “It’s a calcium supplement so my baby’s bones grow nice and strong,” she explains to the other two, and carries on knitting.

The second woman also pops a pill. “It’s vitamin C to ward off colds and boost its immune system,” she tells her companions, and carries on knitting.

The third woman takes a tablet. “Its Thalidomide,” she says. ”I can’t do sleeves.”

What do you say to a girl with no arms and no legs? Nice tits.

A boy was born with just a head, no body. His parents were at a cocktail party one evening when, quite by chance, they bumped into a fellow guest who introduced himself as a research biochemist. “My colleagues and I are working on a method to regenerate missing limbs,” he told them.

Then the dad said: “Actually, our son has several missing limbs. In fact, he’s just a head. Will you be able to possibly generate a body for him?”

“Sure,” the biochemist said. “If the formulae work out, we’ll be able to generate a whole new body for your son.”

The parents dashed home to tell their son the wonderful news. They went into the house, went to the little head’s bedroom, turned on the light, walked over and tapped him on the head, saying “Son, son, wake up. We have a big surprise for you.”

The boy opened his eyes, looked up at them, and said: “Let me guess, another fucking hat?”

I was refused entry to remedial school the other day. Apparently, a blow job a day is not a “special need”.

A divorcee spots his ex-wife’s new husband in a bar. After knocking back a few drinks, he walks over to the guy and says: “So, how do you like using second-hand goods?”

“No problem,” the new husband replies. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new.”

When I got divorced my wife said she would fght for custody of the kids, which she then did. Fortunately I was able to take her out with a single punch.

Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women? Because they’re very bitter.

A man and his wife were driving along the motorway doing 55 mph. The wife looked over at the husband and said, “We’ve been married for twelve years and I want a divorce.” The husband said nothing but slowly increased the speed to 60 mph.

She went on: “There’s no point you trying to talk me out of it, I’ve been having an affair with your best friend and he’s much better in bed than you are.” The husband said nothing, he just slowly increased his speed.

She went on, “I want the house.” By now he’s doing 70 mph. She continued, “I want the children as well.” He put his foot down, up to 80 mph.

She continued, “I want the car, the bank account and all the credit cards as well.” He increased his speed to 90 mph and pointed the car towards a concrete support under a motorway bridge.

“Well?” she said. “Aren’t you going to say something?”

He replied, “No thanks, I’ve got everything I need.”

She asks, “Like what?”

Just before they hit the bridge at 95 mph, he replied, “I’ve got the only airbag.”

I got myself arrested in B&Q yesterday for punching a black woman in the tits. I blame my father. He told me to go to a DIY shop and find a Black & Decker.