The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (52 page)

She was a right jammy cunt.

What do you call a man without any shins? Neil.

What do you call a retard on a trampoline?

Spring cabbage.

I was very upset when my doctor told me I was in the advanced stages of Motor Neurone Disease. I could hardly control myself.

One day a little boy runs up to his mother, and says “Mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?”

His Mother replies: “Because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head.”

The next day, his little sister runs in, saying “Mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?”

Mother replies: “Because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head.”

The following day, their little brother says: “kslsiehisjk mrblkshju mmrbbl drubksjl ls gggg”.

Mother says: “Be quiet, Fridge.”

I live near a remedial school. There’s a road sign outside that says, “SLOW CHILDREN”. It can’t be good for their self-esteem.

How did the quadriplegic fall off the cliff?

He was pushed.

I went to see this quadriplegic juggler. He wasn’t very good, he kept dropping the quadriplegics.

I’ve got nothing against disabled people. I’ve even got one of their stickers on my car.

When is the best time to add insult to injury?

When you’re signing somebody’s plaster cast.

What’s the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken.

Isn’t it quite ironic that people with “club feet” are generally crap at dancing?

A man is in hospital waiting for his wife to give birth when a doctor walks over. “You have a baby son, however there were complications,” the doctor informs him gravely. “Your baby is alive, however it has no body, legs or arms, it is just a head.”

The new father lets the news sink in, then immediately resolves to raise the head like any normal child. He takes it to football games, takes it to the park, then on his son’s eighteenth birthday he takes the head to the pub for a pint. He walks up to the bar and asks for two pints of Carling.

He pours the beer into the head’s mouth when, suddenly, a body sprouts from nowhere. The father is amazed and orders his lad two pints of Fosters, which the boy knocks back. Suddenly two arms sprout. The lad then has two pints of Stella Artois and grows two legs. He is now like any normal eighteen-year-old.