The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (164 page)

“Yes.”

“Do you see the block of apartments next to it?”

“Yes.”

“And beyond that, do you see that third block?”

“Yes.”

“Well,” says the prostitute, smiling coyly, “I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand job that’s worth £500.”

The man thinks, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.” They retire to a nearby hotel. A short time later, one very satisfied punter is sitting on the bed realizing he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of £500. He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow job is £1,000?”

The hooker replies, “Actually, £1,500.”

“No one is ever going to pay that for a blow job!”

She replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that’s worth every penny of £1,500.”

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrifc hand job, says, “Sign me up.”

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed truly amazed. He can scarcely believe it, but he feels he truly got his money’s worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the prosser, “How much for some pussy?”

The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole West End of London is laid out before us, all those luxury fats, gambling palaces and fancy restaurants?”

“Bugger!” the man says, in awe. “You own the whole West End?”

“No,” the prostitute replies, “but I would if I had a vagina.”

What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?

A Fjord Escort.

What do you call a prostitute in a wheel chair?

Park and ride.

Judging by the itching and the rash, I think I may be allergic to prostitutes.

Four generations of the same family of prostitutes are talking in the kitchen. The daughter prostitute says, “I got £50 for a blow job today.”

The mother prostitute says, “In my day, it was £5.”

The grandmother prostitute says, “In my day, it was 50p.”

The great-grandmother prostitute says, “Well, in my day, we were just glad for the warm drink.”

What do you get if you cross a prostitute with an elephant?

A whore who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever.

I slept with one of those high-class tarts the other week. I’m not very happy though. The bitch gave me lobsters.

What do you call a prostitute on amphetamines?

A speed hump.

A hot air balloonist is lost. He sees a man in a field below, so he shouts down, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am and where I’m heading?”

“Sure. You are at 36 degrees 2 minutes and 14 seconds north, 96 degrees 3 minutes and 19 seconds east. You’re at an altitude of 762 metres above sea level and right now you’re hovering, but you were on a vector of 240 degrees at 12 metres per second.”

“Thanks very much,” says the balloonist. “By the way, do you by any chance suffer from Asperger’s Syndrome?”

“I do indeed. How did you know that?”

“Because everything you said is true, but there was much more information than I needed and you gave me the information in a way that was of no use to me at all.”

“I see. Are you a psychiatrist?”

“I am, but how on earth did you know that??”

“You don’t know where you are, you haven’t a clue where you’re going, you got where you are by blowing hot air, you put labels on people after asking a few questions and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a couple of minutes ago, but now somehow it’s my fucking fault!”

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, sometimes I think I’m a teepee, and other times I think I’m a wigwam. What’s wrong with me?”