The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (165 page)

“Ah, yes,” the doctor replies, “You’re too tense.”

A black woman goes to see the psychiatrist about her low self-esteem. She looks tired, overweight and generally unhealthy. After tearfully explaining her predicament, the shrink says, “Ah, yes, would you mind lying on the foor under the window?” She does as he asks. “Now over next to the door. Okay, now under the bookshelves. Thank you.”

He then busies himself with writing some notes. The patient waits patiently for him to say something, but, finally exasperated, interrupts him and asks if he has anything he can offer her.

“No,” he replies, “you need to see your GP about your poor diet.”

“So, what was all that stuff you had me do, lying on the foor?”

“Oh, I’m having a new brown leather sofa delivered next week and I was wondering where to put it.”

After fifteen years of being in therapy, my psychiatrist said something that actually brought tears to my eyes: “No hablo Ingles.”

A patient went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gave him a Rorschach-type test – he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it. He then asks him: “What do you see?”

The patient replied: “Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular room.”

The psychiatrist then shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it.

“What do you see?”

“Two people are having sex in the square room.”

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it.

“What do you see now?”

“What are you doc, some kind of fucking pervert?”

A psychiatrist goes to work and finds his colleague sitting at his desk, smiling to himself and shaking his head. “What’s so funny?” his fellow psychiatrist enquires.

“You know, I thought I’d been completely analysed, but yesterday I experienced the most embarrassing Freudian slip!”

“Good Lord!” says his friend. “Do tell me more.”

“Well, I was queuing at the train station ticket office and couldn’t help but notice that the girl behind the counter has a massive pair of tits. It was just about impossible to take my eyes off them. Anyway, when I got to the window, instead of asking for a ticket to Tooting I asked her for a ticket to TITTING. She blushed, I blushed, I got my ticket and scarpered.”

The bloke laughis and says, “Oh dear! That’s very amusing!”

The following day, the other psychiatrist is sitting at his desk smiling to himself when his workmate walks in and asks, “Okay, what’s tickled you?”

The first psychiatrist replies, “I had one of your Freudian slips last night. I was sitting at the dining table with my wife and I meant to say, “Please pass the mustard.” But what I actually said was, “FUCK OFF, YOU FAT BITCH, YOU’VE RUINED MY LIFE!”

A man went to see a psychiatrist wearing only a pair of underpants made from bubble wrap. The shrink observed him for a while and said: “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He drinks the beer than stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The barman freaks out. “You dirty bastard! How dare you come into my bar and piss everywhere! I’ll beat the shit out of you . . .”

The man begins sobbing. “I’m sorry! It’s ruining my life. I can’t sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It’s worrying me to death, please don’t hit me.”

The barman stops threatening him and takes pity. “Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist. Here’s his card, why don’t you see him?” The customer hugs the barman, shakes his hand and leaves.

A few monthis later the same man walks into the bar and orders a beer. The barman recognizes him immediately and says, “Hang on, weren’t you that guy who . . .”

“Yes,” says the customer, “and I took your advice and went to see your brother. I have to say he’s brilliant. I am completely cured.”

“I’m delighted to hear it,” says the barman. “This beer is on the house.”

So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar.

“You twat! I thought you said you were cured!”

“I am. It doesn’t bother me any more.”

Quasimodo the hunchback returns home after a hard day’s bell ringing to find Esmeralda standing in the kitchen holding a wok. “Fantastic,” he says, “Chinese tonight, love?”

“No, love,” she replies. “I’m ironing your shirt.”

Quasimodo comes down from his bell tower after many years and skulks in the shadows of the Notre Dame’s town square. He sees an attractive young woman pass by and thinks to himself, “I’ve been up in that bell tower for too long. I could do with a good shag.”

So off he goes to the nearest whorehouse in a back street and says to the madam on the door, “I’ve been up in that bell tower for many years and I could do with a proper good shag.”

The madam says, “Well, you’ve come to the right place, the black lady through the door to the right is fifteen francs.”