The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (163 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the freezer to teach it a lesson. For a couple of minutes he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming abuse. Then, suddenly, all was quiet. Bill was frightened that he might have killed his dead uncle’s prized parrot and quickly opened the freezer door. The chastened parrot quickly hopped out of the freezer and back into his cage, and said: “I am truly sorry that I might have offended you with my foul language and uncivil behaviour. I most humbly beseech your forgiveness. I will now, from this day, endeavour to behave correctly and promise that such an outburst of bad behaviour will never happen again.”
Bill was completely fabbergasted at the bird’s display of contrition. He was just about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot interrupted: “May I ask, what did the chicken do?”
Three prostitutes make a bet on who has the biggest vagina. They take their clothes off and start fingering themselves and each other. They can’t agree, however, which lady has the largest snatch. After a few minutes, one of the prossers has an idea. She squats on a glass top table so they measure the slimy deposit she leaves behind. The second one then squats on the table and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.
The third one squats on the table. When she stands back up, the first prostitute says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”
She laughis, “Just smell the rim!”
I shagged a hooker last night. Big mistake. It’s going to make the scrum very awkward on Saturday.
A prostitute goes to the doctor complaining of morning sickness. The doctor says, “Congratulations! Do you know who the father is?”
“Put it this way,” replied the prostitute, “if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?”
A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. “Any problems you should be telling me about?” the doctor asked.
“Well, I have noticed just lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,” she replied. “Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?”
The doctor answered, “Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?”
After thinking for a moment, the hooker replied, “About £300 on a bad night.”
Why did Google invent Streetview?
So kerb crawlers can view their meat before they pay for it.
What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?
Cash and carry.
What’s the best thing about having a sister who’s a prostitute?
The family discount.
Did you hear about the prostitute who took up bondage? She was a bit strapped for cash.
A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short cut through an unlit park. A woman approaches him and offers to fuck his brains out for £5.
He thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5. She leads him into a bush and they get under way. A policeman passes by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking. He shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he’s doing. The man replies calmly, “I’m just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?”
The officer responds, “I’m sorry, sir, I didn’t realize it was your wife.”
The man replies, “That’s quite all right, officer. Until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I.”
A man is walking through Mayfair when a stunning London prostitute catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually plucks up the courage to ask, “How much?”
The prosser replies, “It starts at £500 for a hand job.”
The man gasps: “£500? For a hand job! You have got to be kidding me, no hand job is worth that kind of money!”
The tart replies, “Do you see that block of apartments on the corner?”