The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (162 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
A city hedge fund manager was nervous about being in prison, especially because his cellmate looked like a proper thug.
“Don’t worry,” the rough-looking cellmate reassured him, “I’m in here for a white collar crime as well.”
“Well, that’s a relief,” said the financier. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”
“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the cellmate. “I just raped a couple of priests.”
My father went to prison for his beliefs. He believed it was okay to have a wank on the number 88 bus from Oxford Street to Clapham.
A prisoner escapes from his prison after serving twelve years of a life sentence. While he is on the run he comes across a house in a remote location and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
The husband tells his wife: “Listen, this man is desperate. He probably spent a lot of time in prison and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fght him, don’t complain, just do what he tells you. This man is dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, darling. I love you.”
His wife replies, “He has spent the last twelve years in prison. He wasn’t kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me that he finds you very attractive and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, darling. I love you too.”
After my first few prison showers, I found out why they call a prison term a “stretch”.
Ian Brady says to the prison guard, “I’m pissed off, I haven’t had a holiday in years.”
The guard says, “You’re bullshitting me, Brady. A few years ago we took you up to Saddleworth Moor, you had three days up there. All those wide open spaces and fresh clean air.”
Brady replies, “Fair enough, but what kind of holiday was that with the kids under me feet?”
Three men are in a jail cell, discussing their crimes. The first prisoner asks the second guy, “What are you in here for?”
“Armed robbery.” “What did you get?” “Twelve years.”
They ask the third man, “What are you in for?” “Murder.”
“What did you get?” “Twenty years.”
Third man then asks the first man, “And what are you in for?”
“Setting fre to some lawyers with petrol.”
“What did you get?”
“About eight to the gallon.”
Paris Hilton is in prison, queuing up for some breakfast. Two guards are slopping porridge into each bowl for the prisoners. “Let’s have a laugh,” says one. “I’m going to wank in the porridge.”
“Great idea,” says the second. Both have a quick wank in the porridge before delivering it to Paris. Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says, “Eeuggh!! I’m not eating this!”
The guard asks: “Why not?”
Paris replies, “It’s got porridge in it.”
A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.
The seven-year-old says, “I think it’s about time we started swearing.” The younger brother nods his head in approval. The seven-year-old says, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m going to swear first, then you swear after me, okay?”
“Okay,” nods the four-year-old.
Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the seven-year-old what he wants for breakfast. “Oh shit, mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some sugar puffs.”
His mother gives him a sharp smack across the head, knocking him out of his chair and across the kitchen foor. He gets up and runs upstairs, crying his eyes out. She looks at the four-year-old and asked with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but it won’t be fucking sugar puffs.”
I was at my grandmother’s house and she doesn’t like swearing. I said “crap” and she told me to put 20p in the swear box. Unfortunately, I only had a pound coin and she didn’t have any change. I threw in the pound and said, “Bollocks, take it all, you thieving whore.”
I met this girl at a pub last night, we hit it off and she invited me back to hers for a night of sex. She asked me if I was into anything kinky and I said yes. So she slipped into a spandex cat suit with nipple-tassels, got her whip out of the cupboard and stuck a lubricated vibrator up her arse. Finally, she got me to handcuff her to the bed. Then she looked up to me and said, “Okay, now fuck me!” I made my excuses and left - there’s no need for that kind of language.
Bill’s elderly uncle died, and in the will the uncle left him his much-prized African Grey parrot. This parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a very salty vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive, to Bill’s frequent embarrassment. Bill tried hard to change the potty-mouthed bird’s attitude. He was polite, he was careful not to swear in front of it, he even played soothing, classical music – in fact, just about anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. In sheer frustration he swore at the parrot, but the parrot just came back at him with more abuse, only this time it was ten times worse. He shook the parrot, but the bird just got angrier and more foul-mouthed.