The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (159 page)

“Doctor, I suffer from premature ejaculation. Can you cure me?”

“No. But I can introduce you to a women with a short attention span.”

Premature ejaculation. The greatest compliment a man can pay a woman and still they moan about it.

One day Sean and Mick were sitting having a pint in a pub across from a brothel, watching the comings and goings across the street. The two lads were taken aback when a Presbyterian minister walked into the brothel. “Bejesus,” said Sean, “’Tis a terrible shame to see a man of the cloth going bad!”

A few minutes later a Jewish rabbi walked into the brothel. “Begorrah,” said Mick, “would you believe that? ’Tis a shame to see the Jews giving in to temptation as well!”

A few more minutes passed and a Catholic priest walked into the brothel. Sean turned to Mick and said in a low voice, “Did you see that, Mick? One of them poor girls must be on her deathbed!”

Why is the Bible like a penis?

You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

A priest fell over a cliff and was hanging on by his fingertips. He looked up and said, “Lord, can you help me?”

A voice replied: “Let go of the cliff. Your mortal body will be dashed on the rocks below, but this time tomorrow you will be sitting on the right-hand side of God.”

The priest look up again and said: “Er, is there anyone else up there who can help?”

I’m all for women priests. At last, a member of the clergy that teenage boys will willingly have sex with.

What do you give the paedophile priest who has everything?

A bigger parish.

One day in Ireland a golfer was out on the thirteenth tee when he hooked his shot into the woods. When he went in search of his ball he came across a little man with this huge lump on the side of his head, lying right beside his golf ball. “Goodness,” said the golfer, who then proceeded to revive the poor little fellow.

Eventually the little guy sat up and said, “Well, mister, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes.”

The golfer replied: “I can’t take anything from you. I’m just sorry I hit you with my ball. I’m glad that I didn’t hurt you too badly.”

With that, the golfer played his shot and walked away. The leprechaun said to himself: “Well, what a nice man. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things that I would want. I’ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game and a great sex life.”

A year went by and the golfer was out on the same course at the thirteenth tee again. As luck would have it, he hooked his tee shot into the same woods and went off looking for his ball. When he found the ball, he saw the same little guy and asked how he was doing.

The leprechaun said, “I’m doing just great, thanks for asking. And might I ask, how’s your golf game?”

The golfer said, “Well, as a matter of fact it has improved massively since we last met. I hit under par every time.”

“I did that for you,” said the leprechaun. “And might I ask, how’s your financial situation lately?”

“Well, now that you mention it, I keep finding these £50 notes!” he replied.

The leprechaun said, “I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life?”

The golfer replied, “Well, maybe once or twice a week.”

The leprechaun was momentarily lost for words, “Once or twice a week? Is that all?”

The golfer looked at him sheepishly and says, “Well, that’s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.”

What does a Catholic priest have in common with a pint of Guinness?