The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (189 page)
Read The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes Online
Authors: E. Henry Thripshaw
Tags: #Jokes & Riddles, #Humor, #Form, #General
The doctor tells him: “I’ve got bad news. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare. We know little about it. We have to amputate your penis.”
The man asks for a second opinion and seeks out a Chinese doctor who is working at the local clinic, figuring he’ll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines him and says, “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD.”
“What can you do?” asks the man. “The other doctor wants to amputate!”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, “Stupid British doctors always want to operate. Make more money that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh, thank God!” the man replies.
“Yes!” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself!”
How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.
The Greek god Zeus was flying over ancient Greece when he spotted a beautiful naked woman washing herself. He flew and made passionate love to her, then stroked her face and told her, “In nine months you will have a child and you will call him Hercules!”
The woman dressed herself smiled and replied, “In nine days you will have a rash and you will call it Herpes. Now sod off.”
“I’m afraid I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith.”
“Well, give me the good news first, doctor.”
“Your lab tests came back today and your crabs are all gone.”
“That’s terrific. But what’s the bad news?”
“We don’t know what ate them.”
Which new venereal disease only affects foot fetishists? Athlete’s tongue.
What is ten inches long, two inches thick and starts with a P?
A good shit.
Two fies were sitting on a turd when one of them farted. “Please . . .” said the other. “I’m trying to eat here.”
Turd Glossary
Ghost Shit:
when you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.Clean Shit:
when you shit it out, observe it in the toilet pan, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.Second-Wave Shit:
when you’re done shitting, you’ve pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize that you have to shit some more.Brain-Haemorrhage Shit:
also known as “Pop a vein in your forehead” shit: the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.Sweetcorn Shit:
self-explanatory.Log Shit:
your turds are so huge that you’re afraid to flush the toilet without breaking them into a few pieces with your toilet brush.Drinker’s Shit:
the type of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking. Most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet.I Wish I Could Shit:
where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.Spinal Tap Shit:
when it hurts so much that you swear it was leaving you sideways.Groaner:
so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.Wet-Cheeks Shit:
also known as “The Power Dump”. The type that comes out of your arse so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.Liquid Shit:
when yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your arse, splashing all over the inside of the toilet bowl.The Madras:
in a class of its own.The Crowd Pleaser:
a dump so intriguing in size and/ or appearance that you have to show it to someone.Mood Enhancer:
occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.The Ritual:
occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.Guinness Book of Records Shit:
a dump so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.The Aftershock Shit:
has an odour so pungent that anyone entering the vicinity within the next four hours is overpowered.Courtesy Flush Shit:
the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the turd log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.The Honeymoon Is Over Shit:
any shit created in the presence of another person.Floater:
characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes.Ranger:
refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.Phantom Shit:
this appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there.Peek-a-boo Shit:
now you see it, now you don’t. This shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.The Bombshell:
comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or during root canal work) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.Snake Charmer:
a long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position. Bears a close resemblance to the Drinker’s Shit.
Two flies are sitting on a turd. One turns to the other and says, “I haven’t seen you around in a while. Where have you been ?”