The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (204 page)

The mother went nuts and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours and think about what you’ve done.”

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today.” She heard the little boy continue, “For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat.”

As the mother smiled, the child added, “For those of you pissed off about the two-hour delay, please refer to the fucker in the kitchen.”

I’ve got a friend who is a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. All he does is eat, drink and be Mary.

Nelson Mandela recently met with controversial 800-metre runner Caster Semenya. It turns out that the two have much in common. Specifically, South African roots and an ability to piss while standing up.

When I was just a little girl,

I asked my mother: “What will I be?

Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?”

Here’s what she said to me:

“You’re a boy. Now get out of your sister’s clothes and fuck off to school.”

I’ve just found out that my best mate is a transsexual and has had a boob job.

I’ll never be able to look him in the face again.

South African 800-metre star Caster Semenya was asked to take a gender test just hours before the world championship final to prove that she was a woman. According to the IAAF, the gender verification test was an extremely complex procedure, involving extensive tests, endocrinologists, gynaecologists and psychologists, to establish whether Caster Semenya is a woman or not. Or they could just get her to park a car.

Hollywood producers are in discussions to make a film about the life of South African runner Caster Semenya. Will Smith has agreed to play the lead role.

Mike was sitting by the bar knocking back a few beers after work when a beautiful woman sat down next to him. She looked vaguely familiar, but Mike couldn’t quite place her.

“Hi, Mike,” she said. “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”

“Kev, is that you?” said Mike. “Why are you dressed up like a woman?”

“Well, Mike. It’s a long story, but the bottom line is that I have always felt like a woman trapped in a man’s body, so I finally decided to do something about it. And, after a number of painful operations, I am now a woman.”

Mike was shocked, but couldn’t help staring at his friend’s pert breasts, “Bloody hell, Kev, I bet it was painful to have those implants put in.”

“Yep, but that wasn’t the most painful part,” said Kev.

“Oh Christ,” said Mike. “You mean you had your dick and testicles cut off? That must have been horrifc.”

“Yes, that was pretty painful, but that wasn’t the worst part.”

“I don’t believe it, mate. What could possibly be worse than that?”

“The final operation was the worst. That was when they did a craniotomy and took out half of my brain.”

Offcials at the World Athletics World Championships launched an investigation after female competitors complained that someone had been repeatedly leaving the toilet seat up after having a piss.

What do you call a dog with two dicks?